


Cable Car

by Saint11Icarus



Series: Cable Car [1]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Football | Soccer, Mentions of dub-con, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-07 19:25:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 77,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3180329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saint11Icarus/pseuds/Saint11Icarus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soccercop high school AU!  Hard-working Alison Hendrix delicately balances musical theatre, school work, and her burgeoning soccer career.  Elizabeth Childs is a naturally talented former soccer-star with haunted eyes and a pile of wrecked dreams.  Can Beth outrun her mistakes and find love between the goal posts?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have yet to find a beta for this story, so apologies in advance for all the grammatical errors. I'm working on finding someone. Please note, this story is rated T but it does deal with some intense and mature themes, nothing teenagers don't deal with on their own these days. There will be mentions of dub-con in flashbacks (though none of it is terribly graphic), and there is plenty of drug/alcohol abuse and just buckets and buckets of foul language.

It was 7:10 when Elizabeth Childs finally rolled out of bed. She used to wake up early.

She used to blow off steam before school by listening to music and trick-handling a soccer ball. She used to brush her hair straight and tame. Before she’d left Montreal for good Elizabeth Childs had attended Beltmore High— Mighty Mighty Badgers. She’d won the school a championship trophy less than a month ago, and as thanks, they’d politely asked her to never come back. The game ball and the jersey of opposing captain, Angela DeAngelis, were still packed away in a box somewhere.

It was Elizabeth Childs’ first day of class at East Toronto High. She pulled on jeans that sat low on her hips and a pair of black high-top Chucks, folded down and barely tied. She could almost fit her finger through the hole in her dark gray t-shirt to poke at her ribs. She ran a hand down her unwashed face to brush the sleep away, pocketing a pencil, her cell phone, and her three-week sobriety chip.

Elizabeth Childs didn’t run, she walked the mile and a half from the two bedroom apartment she shared with her father. She used to run. She made it through the heavy glass doors, disheveled, just after the bell rang. Holding tight to the backpack strap swung over her left shoulder, she hoped that her white-knuckle grip could hide the tremor in her hands. She wasn’t nervous, but her hands still shook. They’d been shaking non-stop for three weeks.

She was taking a normal course load, including a few AP classes. Her father had encouraged her to ease up, but she just wanted things to go back to normal, if that meant a mountain of homework every day, so be it.

Elizabeth Childs had grade 12 calculus first period. She wandered in late, because the only thing more ostracizing than being the new girl is walking in ten minutes after the bell on your first day. She handed the teacher her schedule and was thankful that he didn’t loudly introduce her to the full classroom. There was only one empty seat, she slid into it and dropped her bag at her side.

“Hi, I’m Cosima—” The girl in front of her twisted at the waist and stretched out a hand, “Niehaus.” Her voice was musical and accompanied by the jingle-jangle of metal bangles around her slim wrist. She offered up a smile that was wide and inviting and that pushed her cheeks up to crinkle the skin around her honey-brown eyes, magnified behind cat-eye glasses.

“Beth.” Cosima Niehaus’ palm was warm against Beth’s when they met, her grip was confident but gentle.

“First day, huh? That must be scary.”

She just shrugged.

Cosima chewed the corner of her lip with a sharp eye-tooth, searching for a thread of conversation. “I’m totes rockin’ this class, I’d be happy to, like, help you catch up. Starting halfway through the semester has got to be rough.”

Mr. Larson got back to his lesson. Beth smiled at Cosima and looked silently down at the graffiti carved into her desk. She’d never been shy, but the chip in her pocket was a heavy reminder that the friends she’d had at Beltmore weren’t very friendly in the end. She looked up at the white board where Larson was writing an equation she couldn’t even have begun to solve if she’d tried. Maybe she was further behind than she’d thought, there was no way she could pass without Cosima’s help.

It was an excellent start to her day, she sighed and sunk low in her chair.

***

Beth’s fingers were cramping from holding so tightly to her backpack straps. The bag was getting heavier with each class, weighed down by new text books as the hours ticked by. Lunch was the time of day she dreaded the most— open spaces full of crowded people who either stared too long or wouldn’t spare her a look if she were on fire. She walked with unsure steps along the muddy banks of the river of students flowing into the lunch room. Beth stopped at the mouth of it after she passed through the doorway. This was her definition of hell.

She was saved by a hip check, Beth flinched at first but it was just Cosima Niehaus playfully banging their bones together; Beth wasn’t sure why she didn’t mind the physical contact, Cosima acted like they’d known each other all of their lives. “The cafeteria isn’t very dangerous if you know where to go.” They exchanged smiles and Beth thought it was funny: the way that Cosima speaks as much with her hands as she does with her mouth. “You probably don’t need a walkthrough, but I’ll be happy to give you one if you’re looking.” She wasn’t, but she gave Cosima another smile anyway and let her brown eyes scan the room.

Jocks and cheerleaders in one corner, academic types in another, various cliques separated by interest and status. Beth hated it, the high school cliche. At Beltmore she sat with the soccer team; here she didn’t have a place. Cosima seemed to read her unease and linked an arm through her elbow, pulling her to a table. Beth wasn’t surprised to find that Cosima’s dreadlocks and tattoos fit right in with the rest of her posse. A menagerie of misfits. Her guide recited their names one by one, pointing to them in turn. None of them paused their conversation to acknowledge the new arrivals.

“Sarah.” Sarah had a nose ring to match Cosima’s. She looked too-punk-to-function, safety pins decorated her hole-ridden Clash t-shirt. She wore a dangerous amount of messily applied eyeshadow and her hair was a mane of dark brown tangles and snarls, braided against her skull on one side with a lone blonde streak down the other. Her voice was heavy with the sounds of working-class London, and it spilled over her perpetually split bottom lip like bourbon from a cracked bottle.

“Helena.” Identical to Sarah in looks alone, Helena wore a ridiculously out of place olive drab parka with a fur-lined hood. Her hair was all tight blonde springs and unkempt waves, dark like Sarah’s at the roots. She was quiet in all the places that Sarah was brash and she watched the flurry activity around the cafeteria with wide, innocent eyes. Helena was constantly chewing behind pursed lips— opening her mouth only to push more chips in with the flats of her clumsy fingers.

The twins’ foster brother was next, “Felix.” Cosima called him, was the youngest— a sophomore. As punk as Sarah and just as loud, the two bantered with the kind of ease that came from years of calling each other family. Felix’s accent was thick like Sarah’s, but his movements were dramatic and exaggerated where hers were short and pointed. He shimmied his slender shoulders while he ribbed Sarah about something Beth was too late to the party to catch.

“Tony.” Tony was the oldest at the table, taking his victory lap— his second year in grade 12. He had the kind of bursting laugh that stretched his mouth wide open and threw his head back with its force. He had an arm draped over the back of Felix’s chair and a leg thrown over one of the younger boy’s bony knees, his opposite foot was drawn up in an empty chair; Beth wasn’t sure if she’d ever known someone to take up as much physical space as Tony did. His dark mullet was a mess of knots tangled against the nape of his neck and wispy facial hair peppered his strong jaw. He held his coke bottle around the neck like he was swigging from a beer bottle— it made Beth’s stomach roll.

The only student at the table that seemed out of place was tall and poised and blonde with hazel doe-eyes. She had to be a head taller than anyone else at the table (with the possible exception of Felix) but she easily took up the least amount of territory. Her knees were pressed together under the table and her elbows rested in the dips of her sides. She looked almost delicate in the pile of scrappy teens. Cosima leant down and draped her arms over the girl’s shoulders, her thick inky-brown dreads slid down the blonde’s crisp white shirt like an oil spill. Their fingers molded together against the tall girl’s stomach. “And last but for sure not least,” Cosima paused to kiss the girl, slow and tender before continuing, “is Delphine Cormier.” Her mouth stretched and rolled against the last syllable, drawing it easily like she’d just woken up from a long, sun-drenched nap on a Sunday afternoon— ‘Cormi-ayyyyyy’.

The group was laughing raucously at something Felix had said. Cosima interrupted with a loud “Guys!” They settled and all eyes were suddenly on Beth, five different shades of brown. “This is Beth Childs. She just moved from Quebec last week.” There was a chorus of greeting and Tony kicked the chair he was using as a footrest out in invitation, eyeing her carefully. Beth sat and willed them to continue their conversation, the shield Cosima had been providing was trapped somewhere in the crook of Delphine’s graceful neck.

“Beth Childs?” Tony asked, the look of confusion on his face made her uneasy. He looked like he was trying to place her, like he knew her from somewhere, but after just a moment he shook his head and moved on. At his urging Beth handed over her class schedule to be passed around the table. She had calculus and physics with (more-than-happy-to-tutor) Cosima, French with the conveniently actually-French Delphine, and phys-ed with Sarah, Helena, and Tony. She also shared her fourth hour study hall with Sarah and Felix, though Beth hadn’t seen either of them there. Sarah laughed and explained that no one ever really went to study hall. For the rest of her classes, she was on her own.

“Are you hungry?” Delphine’s accent came out in an irregular rolling purr. She pushed a paper boat full of fries in Beth’s direction.

Beth was about to refuse when her stomach loudly protested, the teens laughed boisterous and easy at her traitorous belly. Her body betrayed her again as a smile spread slowly across her face until Beth was all white teeth and aching cheeks.

By the end of lunch her muscles were burning, she hadn’t laughed so freely in months. There is a was a mess of movement as they gathered their bags. Tony’s hand clapped against Beth’s shoulder, “Let’s go, ladies. Gym class is all the way on the other side of campus and if we’re late again we’ll be in detention for a week.”

Sarah groaned, “Shite, don’t remind me.”

***

Beth had always liked gym. Something about the physical activity kept her mind from drifting, kept her from remembering how fucked her life was. Sarah grabbed Beth by the elbow when the teacher told the girls-half of the class to partner up. Beth glanced over at Helena who was shifting uneasily, her permanently-widened eyes downcast.

“Don’t you want to pair up with your sister?” She asked Sarah.

The punk’s face scrunched, “Ah, she’ll be fine.”

Helena clearly was not fine, her ruddy brown eyes flitted around helplessly for a partner. Beth’s heart twisted behind her ribs. “Hey, I appreciate the gesture, I do— but I think Helena is actually going to cry.”

Sarah sighed, clearly never free from the task of caring for her emotionally-stunted twin. “Oi, Meathead,” she waved to the shy girl. Helena shuffled over quickly, wearing an expression that Beth struggled to place— like Helena would do anything Sarah ever asked of her. Anything.

“Do not call me this.” Beth was surprised by the slow Slavic drawl that spilled deep and heavy from Helena’s chapped lips. Sarah ruffled her mess of blonde hair and grinned when the girl swatted at her hand. She shoved Helena playfully, their matching eyes twinkling in the glow of their youthful sparring.

Beth smiled at the exchange and glanced around for a partner, the rough-housing twins had long forgotten her. Her presence threw off the even number of girls and everyone seemed to be stumbling over who they should be pairing with. The teacher, Ms. Riley, allowed them a minute of further floundering before blowing her whistle and pointing to Beth and another girl. “Beth, Alison.” She brought her fingers together to indicate they were supposed to work together. “Let’s get started!”

Alison closed the distance between them and extended a hand, stiff and far out in front of her. “Alison Hendrix.” She looked familiar. Beth wasn’t sure if she recognized the girl from one of her classes before lunch or if she was just confused because Alison looked identical to all the other teenagers in the room; they were all outfitted with gray, cotton, East Toronto Athletics shirts and maroon shorts with the same stamped in white on the thigh. She was fresh-faced, with just a touch of concealer and barely-winged eye-liner— nothing like Cosima or Sarah’s heavily painted eyes. Beth had never worn make up a day in her life and she thought that it must be nice to have something to hide behind.

Beth took her hand, it was tense and cool and, again, the exact opposite of Cosima’s. She imagined that Sarah and Helena’s hands would be hot too. “Beth Childs.”

They nodded at each other courteously and moved into position: Alison on her back with her knees drawn up and Beth holding her shoes firmly against the floor. It was strange— having to be so immediately close to a stranger. She hoped Alison couldn’t feel her fingers trembling.

While Alison did her set of sit ups, Beth’s eyes wandered to Helena and Sarah. Helena was distracted and wasn’t putting even pressure on her sister’s feet, making Sarah twist with the effort of pulling herself up. She glanced back down to Alison who had her lids slid shut over dark eyes. Beth wondered if Alison’s ponytail hurt the back of her head when it pressed against the gym floor.

“How is your first day, Beth?” Alison asked on an up-swing, opening her eyes.

Beth tightened her hold on Alison’s ankles when the girl struggled to maintain her form through the next sit up. “Uh, good,” she smiled. Alison smiled back and dropped to the ground at the sound of Ms. Riley’s whistle, her arms splaying out above her head and her stomach shaking with a quiet chuckle. Alison’s smile was warmer than Beth had been expecting and her own widened at the sight of it.

She looked up across the gym to see Tony holding a muscular boy’s feet to the ground. He locked eyes with her across the mass of prone bodies and gave her a confident wink, his lips twisted into a smirk at his cheek.

“Switch!” The whistle blew again.

Beth’s ponytail hurt the back of her head when it pressed against the gym floor. Alison was staring at her, eyes locked on to Beth’s and following them through each sit up. Beth fluttered her lashes against it, wishing she’d worn a thick layer of make up.

Ten unnaturally long sit ups later they switched to push ups. Alison faced her so the tops of their heads were nearly touching and they rose and fell in synchronized rhythm. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty. While the rest of the girls struggled to get themselves off the ground Beth and Alison were racing each other towards some invisible finish line. Beth couldn’t help the grin that was cracking open against her face. She poked her tongue from between her teeth and looked up to see Alison’s shoulders vibrating with laughter as they kept pushing against the ground faster.

Beth had lost count of how many they’d done when the whistle blew, but her burning arms gave out from under her at the sound of it. She could hear Alison’s body hit the ground as well. They rolled onto their backs until they were ear to ear, the tops of their heads brushing against each other’s shoulders. Beth let out a loud laugh that only grew louder when Alison joined in, their bellies leaping in time.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” Alison said between lungfuls of air, clutching her spasming stomach. Her laugh sounded smooth and sweet like honey.

Beth arched her back, pressing her shoulders into the ground and rolling her eyes back to look at Alison and the mess of fly-aways that had crept out of her ponytail. “Why is that?” She asked.

Alison craned her neck to make eye-contact, suddenly growing serious, “Burpees.”

They groaned in unison when the whistle blew again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in seeing my thoughts on this story and finding out what you can expect from it-- you can find that on tumblr (saint11icarus), but the story should play out just as well without reading it.


	2. Chapter 2

“Burpees suck.” Tony was back in his baggy jeans and plaid flannel jacket, massaging his bicep with the opposite hand. He abandoned his ministrations to accept the lit roach Cosima was passing his way.

After gym the group met behind the building. Sarah, Cosima, Tony, and Felix passed around a perfectly rolled joint until it burned low and sticky against their fingertips. Delphine jogged up, winded. She was a mess of gangly limbs, clumsy stride.

“Sorry I’m late,” the blonde said, trotting straight into Cosima’s waiting arms. They met their lips firmly and the chaste kiss went on long enough that Delphine began digging blindly in her purse, eyes still shut, mouth still pressed tight and unmoving against Cosima’s. Delphine finally murmured protest into Cosima’s lips and they broke apart so the French girl could fish a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from her bag. Hazel eyes fell on Beth, leaning awkwardly against the brick wall outside of the circle of smokers. She extended the pack in Beth’s direction, holding it open with her index finger.

Beth shook her head and held up a hand to politely decline, “Ah, no thanks.” Delphine just smiled around her cigarette and lit it.

Helena was the only other teen not partaking in illegal activities, she was seated atop a five foot concrete barrier. The heels of her clunky, untied combat boots thump-thumped back against it. Despite her poor showing in gym class, Helena proved to be surprisingly agile; Beth had seen her leap up and pull herself onto the wall without a struggle. She switched a lollipop from cheek to cheek and Beth imagined the quiet girl was making purposeful music out of the sounds of candy clacking against her teeth.

“So we’ve got physics next and then you’re by yourself for history and you’ll finish up with Delphine for eighth period French.” Cosima reminded Beth, her words were silhouetted by fragrant white smoke that swirled out of her throat and curled from her nostrils. Beth nodded and she and Delphine exchanged friendly smiles.

“My mother is the teacher.” Delphine said on an inhale, a few wisps of smoke that she didn’t catch fast enough trickled from between her lips. “I am happy to help you.”

She didn’t need help with French— languages came easy to Beth, and growing up in Quebec she’d been surrounded by native speakers her whole life. Her eyes squinted out across the open grass, she thought she could see white PVC goal posts if she looked hard enough. “Is that a soccer pitch?” She pointed.

“Elizabeth Childs of Beltmore fame, I presume?” The sound of old English money and high heels preceded a powerfully striding girl rounding the corner. Beth almost thought the posh girl was a teacher, but she recognized the sharp blonde bob from a few of her morning classes. She couldn’t remember ever knowing a kid to wear power skirts, stiffly pressed blouses, and six-inch heels to school.

Beth thought for a moment that they should be worried about being caught, but none of her new friends reacted to the interruption. (That isn’t true— Sarah’s eyes rolled so far back in her head that Beth was worried the she was actually going to fall over backwards.)

“D’you always have to make a fuckin’ entrance, Rachel?” Sarah spat out the bit of pot that had stuck against her tongue on her last draw from the joint and passed it to Felix.

“Do shut your mouth, Manning.” Rachel bit back in Sarah’s direction with barely a glance her way, her cool eyes trained on Beth. Beth could see rage roll though the punk like a thunderstorm; while Helena clearly wanted nothing more than to be ignored, Sarah was boiling at the insolence. As if on cue, Helena pressed her palms into the rough concrete wall and tucked her rear end, pushing her legs forward. She dropped to the ground with a heavy thud, her loose boots causing a dramatic echo.

Beth felt fear ice through her. Helena didn’t speak, just moved like a big cat— still suckling her lollipop. She glided slowly around Rachel, who seemed to have enough sense to keep both eyes on her. She stopped at Sarah’s side, their arms touching from shoulder to wrist. Helena’s index and middle finger tangled with Sarah’s pinky and ring. The whole group seemed to be holding their breath, waiting for something to spark the explosive air. Sarah was the only one who wasn’t visibly shaken by Helena’s posturing, in fact, she looked like she found it amusing. An eyebrow darted up her forehead and she looked pointedly at Rachel, daring her to say another word.

Alison Hendrix broke the tension when she rounded the corner, “Rache—“ the girl stopped suddenly at the sight of them all in front of her. Her eyes caught Beth’s and she offered a shy smile. 

Helena let out a bored sigh and pressed her temple to Sarah’s shoulder; with the motion, everyone released the breath they’d been holding. Smoothing her skirt, Rachel turned on her heel to look at Alison. “Yes?”

Alison seemed to have forgotten why she’d chased after Rachel in the first place. She just stood there with her eyes locked on Beth’s, one arm crossed over her chest and her other hand fiddling with her earlobe, struggling to form words. “Uh, the, uh.” She uncrossed her arm, waving a stack of papers held tight in her fist, “I’ve got the schedule printed out, if you wanted to loo—”

Rachel inhaled deeply through her nose, gestured Alison to follow her and snatched the paperwork from her hand. They continued along the sidewalk path to the parking lot as if they’d never seen the others.

***

‘Who was that, out behind the gym?’ Beth’s thumb typed quickly, her phone hidden completely out of sight under her desk. There was a barely audible hum from between Cosima’s thighs that caused the teen to jump. She glared at Beth’s cheeky grin and fished her phone from it’s hiding spot.

Cosima’s amber eyes flashed down to read the message. She sat up straighter in her chair and pulled her arms into Delphine’s long hoody. After a few seconds she relaxed back, her hand poking out to tuck her phone back into place.

Beth’s phone buzzed in her palm. She checked to see that their physics teacher was engrossed in answering a student’s question before sparing a glance at the screen. ‘Rachel Duncan. She’s kind of a prick. She’s in our calc class.’

Beth had gathered that much by herself. ’What’s up between her and Sarah?’ What she really wanted to ask was what Rachel’s vested interest in her was, but she hadn’t quite gotten around to telling Cosima about the circumstances that had brought her to East Toronto High.

‘You know Sarah’s busted lip?’

‘Ya.’

Cosima didn’t text back, just cocked her head and raised her brows meaningfully. Beth’s eyes widened, she mouthed ‘seriously?’ and tried to stifle a laugh at Cosima’s solemn nod.

‘You have no idea how much concealer she’s wearing, tho. Sarah’s hella scrappy.’ Cosima texted.

‘I was more worried about Helena. What the hell was that?’

‘Helena is hella scrappier.’ Beth snorted.

The teacher’s watery blue eyes were on them at the noise and both girls ducked their heads back into their books.

***

History was all the way across the school. Beth was sure her schedule had been intentionally set up to make her criss-cross to the farthest points the campus had to offer. She canted her shoulders to squeeze between the wall and the rush of students heading the opposite direction. There had to be an easier way.

A sharp laugh caught Beth’s ear and she turned into the noise. She may not have recognized the girl crouched low to the ground with her torso crushed into a locker, but the worn and matted parka was distinctly Helena. Beth opened her mouth to greet the girl but she was stopped by a stunted melody coming from the locker, bouncing against its metal walls.

“He-len-a,” The girl was talking to herself, her already broken English mangled by some odd twist of her mouth, an unusual dip in the flat of her tongue, “Sar-ah. Sounds. Homework. To-ronto.” She spoke slowly, enunciating each word.

It took a moment for Beth to place the noise— Helena was trying to muddle her eastern European accent into an English one. Beth’s brows came together, “Helena?”

The blonde head came shooting out of the locker, banging against a shelf on the way out. Fumbling fingers found the back of her skull, rubbing the spot. “Oh, hello, Beth.” Helena blinked at her. It was the first time Beth had ever been truly face-to-face with Helena, eye-to-eye; her rusty brown irises were fully visible, surrounded by stark white sclera. “I was just…” She glanced around, struggling to explain herself.

“Hey, no judgement.” Beth clapped a hand against Helena’s shoulder but withdrew it when the girl flinched. “Working on your accent, huh?” Beth could have smacked herself when the other girl’s eyes flitted to the ground and her lips pursed and twisted to the side; she looked sheepish, almost guilty.

“Sarah and I…we sound different…” She turned her head sharply to avoid eye contact. Her next words came out in a cadence, like they’d been rehearsed, “I was raised pure in a convent in the Ukraine.” Her lids blinked slowly.

Beth nodded, trying to hide her surprise, “Sounds like a crazy life.”

“Yes,” Helena’s fingers tugged uncomfortably at the bungee straps of her jacket as she continued her memorized speech, “she is my twin sestra, but—”

“You don’t have to talk about it, Helena, it’s cool.” She felt guilty for pressing, Helena couldn’t have looked more like a cornered animal. Beth noticed the girl’s brutally gnawed fingertips, torn in spots, scabbed with blood along her nail bed.

Helena shut her eyes and let out a sigh, her body almost swaying with the weight of it. “People want to know.” Beth could hear Sarah’s voice in the tone of Helena’s words, she wondered how often the punk had hissed them, how often the twins had to explain themselves. Her dark brown eyes fluttered shut against the heaviness. She’d had enough struggle in her life to recognize the pain in Helena’s gaze.

“Yeah, well, people suck.”

A smile twitched the corners of Helena’s mouth, barely perceptible and gone in a flash. “Where are you going?” She asked.

“History with Wallace. Room 204B?” Beth said after glancing at her schedule.

Helena nodded shortly and gestured for Beth to follow her. She parted the sea of students with ease, they nearly tripped out of her way, Beth couldn’t say she minded the escort. They passed by a hundred indistinguishable faces before brown eyes caught sight of a tight ponytail.

“H-Helena?”

The girl stopped suddenly and Beth ran into the back of her, she turned and their faces were inches apart. “Yes?”

Beth blinked and took a step back. “Uh, sorry. I just—“ She pointed discretely in the direction of her target. “Do you know that girl? Alison?”

Helena’s eyes followed the trajectory of her arm. “Yes, Alison Hendrix.” Helena nodded and turned back, pressing forward towards their destination. “She is nice. One time she gave me cookies,” her voice curled back over her shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“They were chocolate chips.” Helena stopped suddenly and turned once more, Beth stumbled to avoid another collision. Her eyes were wide again, but this time they danced under the florescent lights, “I like chocolate chips.”

Beth laughed, “Me too.”

Helena’s jaw rolled while she smiled, like she was chewing her cheek. Beth held up a hand for a high five and Helena slapped it— letting out very short, very excited burst of laughter.

It was only another minute to Beth’s class. Helena delivered her right to the door, twisting her hands together for a beat while they stood in awkward silence. “Thanks, Helena.” Beth smiled warmly. The other girl looked like she wanted to say something, but instead she just nodded curtly and turned on her heel, shuffling off to class.

Alison Hendrix had seventh hour history with Mr. Wallace in room 204B, she sat in the second row. Her long lashes fluttered when Beth slid into the room. Beth wondered when Alison had passed them, what shortcut she’d taken that Helena hadn’t.

The long walk meant there was only a few open seats, all at the front of class. Beth groaned inwardly, she was not a front-of-the-class student, but she flopped into a desk unceremoniously. She glanced over her shoulder to see Alison, several students separating them. Though her back was fiercely straight, the girl’s eyes were still trained on Beth.

Alison looked away quickly, but their eyes met again after a moment. A small smile graced her lips and Beth couldn’t help but grin back before facing the front of the room.

Alison Hendrix, Beth mouthed the name to test it’s feel against her lips. _Alison Hendrix._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I super-duper don't speak French, Beth does though (which makes for tricky writing), hopefully it's all understandable. If you speak French and you feel like correcting me I totally won't be mad about it at all, I'll be hella grateful and I'll totally fix it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Delphine’s mother had a warm smile when she asked Beth to stand and introduce herself to the class. “Tell us something about yourself,” she’d said in the kind of smooth, natural French that came from being a native speaker.

Beth dug her hands as deep in her pockets as she could and tried to avoid all twenty-six pairs of eyes trained on her. There wasn’t anywhere to look that was safe. Her fingers tangled around the recovery chip, warm with the heat of her thigh. “My name is Beth,” her throat tightened at the familiarity of the phrase, she fluttered her eyelids, forcing herself out of church basements and back into the classroom. “And…” she switched to French to help distance herself from her memories, shrugging, “j’admire beaucoup Beyoncé.” The whole room let out a quiet chuckle as she sat and slumped into her chair, silent for the rest of the hour.

“We hang out behind the library after school, if you are interested?” Delphine leaned a hip against Beth’s desk and watched her pack her bag. Beth pressed her lips together, her father would definitely not be okay with her getting home late. Delphine mistook her silence and sputtered out a rush of words, “It is no big deal if you don’t want to, it is just an invitation.”

Beth shook her head, “No, it’s cool,” she shrugged, “it sounds like a good time, actually.” She knew more than most that friendships weren’t immediate, and if she wanted to make things work with this group she needed to put in the time.

Delphine smiled and bobbed her head, her bottom lip drawn between rows of straight white teeth. “Oui, it is. Usually.” Beth slung her bag over her shoulder and gestured for Delphine to lead the way.

The public library was past the gym, down rolling grassy fields, beyond the distant soccer pitch.

Walking with the blonde was quiet— the open, peaceful kind of quiet, not the awkward kind that settled heavy and never let up. “Ça te dérange si je fume?”

“Non.” It was a breathable quiet, Beth enjoyed letting her lungs stretch in it. She strained her ears to hear the crushing of grass beneath their feet and Delphine’s deep, smoke-filled inhales and exhales.

“Do you play?”

Beth hadn’t noticed Delphine watching her, “Huh?”

“Football,” She gestured with her cigarette to the pitch, “you have been staring.”

“Ah,” Beth gave a tense smile and nodded her head in a broad, awkward rhythm, sucking her teeth, “I did. My senior season actually just ended, they play in the fall back home.”

“Is that how Rachel knows you?”

“Rachel?”

“Rachel Duncan. She…” Delphine shrugged, “she knew your name…behind the gym?” She thrust her thumb over her shoulder in the general direction.

“Oh,” Beth had to forcibly stop herself from nodding oddly again and instead shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. Does she play?”

“Yes. I thought maybe you’d played each other before.”

Beth didn’t know how to say that it wasn’t unheard of for serious players to recognize her— even outside of Quebec, “No. I don’t think so. I’ve never played school matches in Ontario.” It wasn’t a lie, the only games she’d played in the area were caps for the U-17 Canadian National Team. She rubbed the back of her neck under her pony tail and searched for any topic of conversation, anything she could think of to change the subject.

She was saved by a shout in the distance, she could make out dreadlocks bouncing along with Cosima waving her arms and hopping in the air. Delphine let out a laugh and waved back, “Cosima, she is so silly.”

“You two are cute together.” Beth said, adjusting the weight of the bag on her back.

“Merci,” Delphine blushed and paused awkwardly, humming a question behind closed lips. “Are you…? Euh,” her hands waved, it didn’t look as natural as it did when Cosima did it.

Beth gazed across the pitch, walking heel-to-toe over the side line, “gouine?” she finished in the girl’s native language, French was just easier sometimes. “Peut-être…je ne sais pas.” She shrugged, ”I had a boyfriend at my last school, but it was kind of out of obligation, you know?” She shifted uncomfortably at the half-lie.

Delphine instantly slid into an empathetic tone, her frantic awkwardness suddenly missing, “Yes, I understand.”

They walked the rest of the way in silence.

Cosima met them a few paces from the parking lot, “Hey, nerds.” She wrapped her arms around her girlfriend’s waist until they were flush, lifting her head to look up into Delphine’s hazel eyes. The taller girl moved to fix Cosima’s crooked glasses and smiled when she twitched her nose to settle them into place.

“Watch who you’re calling a nerd,” Tony failed to land a trick on his skateboard and grabbed it out of the air, stumbling almost gracefully over the curb of the parking lot. His momentum carried him in a trot to their side, his empty hand grazing Felix’s perfectly quaffed hair on the way past. The younger boy craned his neck to look back at them and scoffed from his perch on the curb, legs crossed delicately at the knee. He lifted a hand to push his hair back into place as his eyes rolled.

“How was your first day?” Sarah’s gruff voice moved closer, she was pocketing a set of keys belonging to an old, two-toned Ramcharger. Helena was nearly stepping on her sister’s heels and Sarah waved a hand behind her to push the blonde back a pace.

Beth shrugged, “Good. My classes are kind of ridiculously far apart.”

“She has History seventh period,” Helena said in Sarah’s ear.

The punk clicked her tongue in affirmation, “Nice, nice.”

They all stood in a circle, sans Felix who was too posh to move, for a few comfortably quiet beats before Cosima pulled an immaculately rolled joint from her cleavage, “Soooooo…” she waggled it in the air and jerked her head back towards the building. Everyone nodded in agreement.

“Come on, Feefee.” Tony whistled through his teeth.

Felix stood quickly, turning on them, “If you call me that one more time, Tony, I swear to god!” but he followed, letting the older boy take his hand without making a fuss. Their digits laced together and he hugged himself to Tony, holding the shorter teen’s upper arm with long fingers.

They rounded the building until they were out of sight of the library’s patrons and the roads they came and went on.

“So you didn’t meet anyone cooler than us, did ya?” Sarah spun to face Beth, her booted heel digging into the soft ground.

“Alison Hendrix.” Helena spoke barely above a whisper, but no one paid her any mind.

Beth avoided eye contact with the wild blonde and shrugged, “Nah, not really.” Her gaze landed on Tony, fishing a flask from his back pack. Her jaw tightened against a pressure building in the hollows behind it; she felt like she was coming down from high altitude, begging for her ears to pop. She felt in her pocket with searching fingers, closing the coin she carried tightly in her fist. It stung, the way it dug into her palm, but the pain washed away the panic clawing at her throat.

His eyes met hers and he immediately stopped, flask unscrewed and halfway to his lips. Without a word his gaze and arm lowered, his hand coming up to thread the cap back on. It was too late though, the sound of metal spinning against metal was like a dinner bell and Sarah had stopped mid-sentence to move in front of him and snatch it from his fingers.

Tony didn’t say anything, or even look at Beth, he just bent to pick up his bag and turned away from them to lean it against the building next to where Delphine had her back to the bricks. Cosima, nestled between Delphine’s open thighs, sparked the joint and took a hit, craning her neck to meet her girlfriend’s waiting lips. When they parted, Delphine looked up at Beth and smiled, loosing shared smoke from her lungs.

Beth knelt down beside them and reached out for the joint. At least she wasn’t drinking.

***

It was another hour before Beth found herself walking in the direction of her apartment. Sarah had pushed Beth for information about Rachel: “Do you know her, then?” “Ya met her before?”. Delphine gave her an apologetic look and didn’t mention their pitch-side talk. Beth was grateful.

Her mouth was dry from a mix of weed and conversation and she made the split second decision to stop at the gas station a few blocks from home and grab a soda. The bell rang as she opened the door, the sound of it like a chime in her chest— Alison Hendrix was standing behind the counter. The stiff girl’s jaw worked open and closed for a moment before she snapped it shut and gave a tiny wave. Beth waved back and slid into an aisle out of sight to run a hand down her face. She was glad she’d had the presence of mind to only take two hits before bowing out of the rotation.

 _Alison Hendrix._ She licked her lips, Alison’s name tasted like cherry lip balm and summer and the fresh cut grass of the soccer pitch. Beth stalled as long as she could before grabbing a Pepsi and heading for the counter.

“Hi. It’s Beth, right?” Alison’s voice harmonized with the blood rushing against Beth’s ear drums.

“Yeah. Alison?” She couldn’t help but notice the way the girl’s pale skin contrasted against her royal blue work polo, Chelsea blue, she thought.

Alison nodded, her ponytail bobbing in time, “One eighty-three.” Beth dug in her pocket for a toonie, handing it over amongst a few gum wrappers and a bit of lint. “Are you planning on joining the soccer team?” Alison’s voice was light and conversational, her eyes were on the drawer, she was mentally counting change.

Beth was thrown. “What?”

Alison abandoned the change and looked up to meet her with wide eyes, mouth open slightly, “I’m sorry, was that inappropriate?”

Beth blinked and shook her head, “No, I just…I wasn’t expecting…” Alison’s hands moved in placation, but Beth managed to push through: “No, I-I wasn’t planning on joining the team.”

The other girl let out a breath, “Well, that’s a shame,” her gaze dropped back to the drawer. Beth wasn’t sure if she sounded genuine.

“You play?”

Alison handed her the change with a nod, “Varsity.”

Beth nodded back, that same awkward full-neck-nod from earlier. She shut her eyes tightly in embarrassment, fuck, she looked like an idiot. “I should probably go,” she spat out.

And before Alison could respond she was gone.

***

“Where have you been?” Her father was waiting by the door when she walked in, phone in hand.

Beth sighed and walked past him, juking around boxes until she made it through the doorway to her room. He was only a few paces behind. She dropped her bag on her bed and shrugged, “At the library.”

“The library?” He ran a hand against the short, greying hair at his temples.

She busied herself with unzipping her bag and pulling out textbooks, two at a time. “Yeah, um, the one behind the school?”

“Elizabeth,” He let out a sigh.

“I’m fine.” She said, maybe a bit too harshly, she softened her voice for him, “I’m fine.”

He scratched at his days-old stubble and watched the back of her shoulders as she unpacked. “Did you make any friends?”

She shrugged again and turned to empty her pockets onto her dresser, pushing her shoes off with her toes against the heels. Her metal sobriety chip spun loudly where it fell. He reached out and put his hand over it, stopping it abruptly. He picked it up and fiddled with it while Beth tugged her skinny jeans off of her ankles. She started digging through the dresser to find more comfortable clothes. The silence was heavy, the air between them weighed down with unasked questions.

“You could have called.” Her father set the chip down next to her cell phone.

“Yeah.” There was no apology in her response.

More silence. “What do you want for dinner?”

“I’m not hungry,” She gave up looking for pants, instead moving closer and holding the edge of the door against her palm. “I have homework, Dad.” He took a step back from the doorframe and she shut the door in his face. She could hear a sigh deflate his lungs before he turned and walked off down the hall.

Her stomach let out an audible gurgle. She shut her eyes and leaned her head against the wood, letting out a matching breath.

***

Homework took much longer than she’d expected. It was nearing 11pm when Beth finally shut her physics book and rolled off her mattress, landing on her feet. She slid out into the hallway and walked to the bathroom, turning on the light and the overhead fan.

She turned on the shower and undressed. Sighing and looking down at the handful of pale scars that graced her shins, she’d been fouled so many times that she couldn’t match the scars with the players that they came from anymore. Her thumb brushed a raised and knotted scar along the outside of her thigh, at the juncture of her knee; it was the exception. She remembered vividly the run, two years ago, that led to that scar.

_She was rocketing up the left hand side, feinting first right, then left, dodging midfielders barreling towards her. A defender was coming in fast and hard, sliding towards her— she flicked the ball in the air and leapt, knocking it back down with her knee, landing in the box with the ball at her feet on the other side of the challenger. She foolishly glanced over her shoulder to see her sprawled opponent._

_Pride had always been her downfall._

_There was a crashing jar as her teeth slammed together, instant nausea when her skull bounced off the ground. The sharp pain of DeAngelis’ boot dragging against her knee, studs up, kept her conscious. The sound of the whistle. She missed the red card, flashed while her eyes were screwed shut tight._

Beckwith had taken the penalty after Beth was stretchered off the pitch— she didn’t make it past the keeper. She shook her head clear of the memories and stepped into the shower, tugging the curtain closed and letting the hot water melt her muscles. She tried not to think about Rachel Duncan or Alison Hendrix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some in-depth authors notes for this chapter over on tumblr (saint11icarus), if you're interested in that. As I mentioned before, the story reads just as well without the extra notes, so don't feel pressured.


	4. Chapter 4

“I suppose it’ll be some time before your next National Team call-up. How long has Priestman benched you for?” Rachel’s voice was the most distinct and off-putting sound Beth had ever heard. The auditorium was nearly empty, and Rachel’s clipped tones almost echoed before being caught by soundproofing tiles. Beth wondered if she and the terse girl were the only people who ever showed up for study hall. She tried to ignore Rachel, listlessly pushing a piece of paper back and forth across the tiny in-arm desk with the end of her pen. When Beth didn’t answer her, the teen continued, “I’m sure you’re missing Beltmore right now, or do they not see you as the hero they once did?”

Beth finally shook her head and looked up to acknowledge Rachel, “I get it, you know who I am. You want to tell the whole school about me? I don’t care, go right ahead— I won’t stop you. You really don’t need to assert your fucking Alpha-dominance bullshit.” Rachel’s eye twitched and Beth’s boldness grew, she leaned back against the cushion of the auditorium chair and spread her hands in invitation, “But hey, you’ve got my attention. It’s always nice to meet a fan. Seriously though, if you wanted an autograph, all you had to do was ask.” She flashed Rachel her best smile. (Tell everyone my whole life is over. Tell everyone I ruined everything. Just please stop reminding me.)

If she’d ever feared for her life it was in the moment fire exploded behind Rachel Duncan’s pupils.

From stage left came a saving hiss. “Oi!”

Beth looked up and noticed Felix sticking his head out from the wings. He gestured at her, shooing towards the back of the auditorium. Rachel turned her head to catch sight of him as well. Beth tucked the desk back down and stood, swinging her bag over her shoulder and crumpling the paper she’d been playing with in her fist. She brushed past Rachel and strode with purpose out through the main doors without turning to see the intense blonde’s expression.

Sarah was standing on the other side of the doors, head and hip cocked, thumbs tangled in the belt loops of her ratty jeans. “ ‘Bout time you showed up. We’re going to grab lunch, you coming?”

Beth glanced over her shoulder at the closed door, there was no point in turning back now. She shrugged, “Yeah, sure.” She could hear a door clack shut nearby and within moments Felix rounded the corner. “You got a little something, Fee” Beth pointed to smudges of paint on his jaw and neck, he rubbed the butt of his palm against them.

“Yeah, we’re short crew for the musical. I shouldn’t have to be painting sets, but the props guy is the only one brave enough to walk on the new tension grid and I’m the only one with enough talent to act and paint.”

Sarah shoved him gently, “Must be so hard, the weight of all that talent on your delicate little shoulders,” she scoffed and led the way out of the school. Beth was surprised at how easy it was to leave campus, the trio walked out through the front doors and sped off in Sarah’s truck without a second glance from anyone.

Sarah checked for oncoming cars before pulling out of the parking lot. “We’ve got this place in the woods, we’re all going out camping tonight. Just some beers and a fire, it’ll be a good time. What do ya think about joining us, Beth?”

“I don’t know, we just moved here and my dad is a bit of a worrier.” Beth ran her fingers through her hair. And beers around a fire sounded like a harder time than she needed.

Sarah just shrugged, “Well, invitation’s there if you change your mind.”

Beth wanted to go. She wanted to sit under the stars and listen to Cosima wax poetic about the universe, or watch Sarah and Tony do something unbelievably stupid (likely involving fire); she wanted to sit in the quiet with Delphine after everyone had fallen asleep and feel the peace of the wilderness. But that meant talking with her father, and somethings just weren’t worth the confrontation.

***

Beth checked her phone, she only had two minutes to spare. She crouched down with one hand out to balance her weight against the plexiglass face of the vending machine and dug her hand inside until her fingers closed around her prize. She stood quickly, stuffing the treat in her hoody pocket and jogging to meet Helena at their usual spot.

As she rounded the corner she saw the girl, the hood of her oversized parka framing her face; Helena was waiting for her just outside of her Physics class. Beth smiled and ducked back out of sight, poking her head around to watch the scene unfold. Helena looked almost distraught as the trail of students filling out of the room got thinner. When the door shut behind the last kid, she leaned forward slightly, trying to look into the small glass pane set into the door. Just as her fingertips were nearly touching the wood, the door swung open, banging into her; she jumped back her eyes wide and blinking furiously.

Cosima reached for her with the arm that wasn’t filled with books. “Oh, shit, Helena.” She grasped Helena’s forearm, “I didn’t see you. Are you alright?” At Helena’s silent nod, Cosima spoke, “Are you waiting for Beth?”

“I walk her to her History class.” Helena said.

“I know,” Cosima smiled, she looked so still and nurturing, Beth almost forgot what a whirlwind she was. “She left class a few minutes early, she said she needed to run to the washroom.”

Helena bit her lip and nodded. Beth chuckled and stepped forward around the corner, striding towards them. “Helena,” she called, “I got something for you.”

Helena whipped around, tearing her arm from Cosima’s hold. “Hello Beth!” She took a few steps forward, too impatient to wait for Beth to walk the few yards down the hall. “You got something? For me?”

Beth nodded and pulled the snack from her pocket, tossing it towards grabbing hands.

“Cookies?” Helena caught them easily.

“Chocolate chip.”

“I like chocolate chips.” She looked at Beth as if she were a saint, an angel sent from heaven.

Beth grinned and winked, “I know you do.” She draped her arm over Helena’s shoulder and led her in the direction of her History class. They left Cosima behind them, laughing and shaking her head in disbelief.

It wasn’t a conscious thing— touching Helena. Though at first, avoiding it had been. After Helena flinched during their first encounter in the hall, Beth had spent Tuesday cautiously avoiding reaching for the girl. On Wednesday though, Helena had grabbed her arm to get her attention. On Thursday, she’d smiled when Beth forgot herself and ruffled her wild mane. Still Beth was surprised at the ease with which Helena accepted the arm weighing across her shoulders.

Helena never spoke much on their walks, but she was even quieter with a mouthful of cookies. She pressed them one after another between her pale lips, chewing only to break them into more manageable pieces before forcing more in. “Thank you,” was all she said, though Beth could barely make it out around the mess of cookies and spray of crumbs.

Beth was always hopeful that the seat next to Alison Hendrix would be open when she walked in the door, but it never was. Still the girl always met her gaze when she entered the room, smiling politely. They paired up for gym class each day without prompting from Ms. Riley, though they didn’t speak much. Beth wasn’t sure what to say to Alison, _“hey I think you’re really cute, lets hang out some time.”_? She was sure Alison was interested, she was terrible at hiding it, but things were…complicated— Beth was complicated. The last thing she wanted to do was drag Alison into her bullshit, the girl deserved better.

***

She’d ultimately decided that camping was worth the confrontation.

_“It’ll just be for the night, I’ll be back in the morning.”_

_“I don’t know, Beth. I’ve never even met these kids, and you’re going to be out all night unsupervised? What kind of father would I be if I let you go down this road again?”_

_“I drank at home, Dad, right under your nose. I don’t need to run away to the woods to get trashed.” He flinched at the truth in her words. “This is a completely different road, it’s a good road— well lit, no potholes, adequate signage.” She paused, “I just want to be a normal kid again.”_

_He sighed, nodding slowly. “Alright, but if anyone starts drinking you call me right away and I’ll come get you. No matter what time it is.”_

The weather was starting to warm, the early winter nights were dwindling as the sun fought to maintain dominance longer into the evenings. It was losing the battle tonight, and Beth watched as it’s low curve grazed the lips of the horizon. The drive to the forest was only an hour and a half long, but Beth wished it had been longer. There was something comfortable about being packed so tightly inside Sarah’s grumbling truck, with Delphine’s knee pressed into her ribs and smoke tickling her nose.

Sarah played her music too loud and her truck smelled moldy, like she’d left the windows down during a storm and the seats never quite dried out. But Tony and Cosima were all canines and pumping arms, drumming along to a song they’d been forced to hear often enough to perfect the timing of their solos. Helena was sitting on their cooler in the back of the truck, holding tight to the seat in front of her for support as they sped down the bumpy dirt road; her head was whipping side to side with the music, moving her whole body with it.

There was a spark to them, life boiled under their skin, bubbled from their eyes. Felix and Sarah shouted along to the music, out the windows, at the roof, at each other, mouths wide and teeth flashing as they leaned over the center console. Beth met Delphine’s dancing eyes and knew that her new friend was seeing it too, the flames coming from them, the freedom.

Sarah knew exactly where to turn down the music and turn off the road, into the brush. Tree branches scraped along the sides of the truck, screeching in harmony with the wail of a guitar coming from the quieted stereo. Bumps this way and that nearly threw Cosima from Delphine’s lap and sent Helena’s head bouncing into the roof. They endured several minutes of elbows digging into sides and palms finding purchase on to thighs until Sarah let the truck roll to a stop.

Felix was the first out, holding the door open until Cosima, then Delphine, Beth, and finally Tony, clambered over the seat and out into the fresh air. Sarah walked around back and opened the trunk, Helena was straddling the cooler and she walked it towards the opening, knees drawn up and pushing with the balls of her feet. Sarah pulled the cooler the rest of the way and Helena giggled at the short ride before she slid off, hopping down to the ground.

“Oi, Meathead, help me unpack.” Sarah slapped her sister’s arm lightly. Helena scrambled back into the truck as quickly as she’d gotten out of it and began pushing their tents and sleeping bags towards Sarah.

Felix grabbed the cooler and turned with it, passing it off to Tony. Beth watched the shorter boy lean up and kiss Felix, she couldn’t help but notice he hadn’t had a beer all afternoon. Tony walked over and bent by her side to set the cooler heavily on the ground and grinned up at her, flashing his eye-teeth. She hip-checked his shoulder gently and went back to digging a circular fire stop in the ground with the heel of her shoe. Cosima and Delphine strode over with arms full of sticks, dropping them into a pile by the cooler before continuing to clear the area.

“Yeah, we’ll both be in the tent, but you’re gonna sleep in your own sleeping bag.” Sarah didn’t spare Helena so much as a glance before banging a mallet against the tent spike she held to the earth. Helena held steady the canvas and wire frame while Sarah anchored it into the ground, she pursed her lips and twisted them against her teeth, but didn’t respond.

“We need to get the fire going before it gets any darker or we won’t be able to see anything.” Beth said as she squinted up through the trees, the sun wasn’t fully set, but she could already see more stars than she could in the city. She pulled up her hoody’s zipper the last few inches to her throat and tossed its hood over her head.

Cosima did the same, pulling her arms from her sleeves to hold them against her torso, “Also, it’s kind of cold,” she said. Delphine laughed and slipped her hands in her pockets, pulling her jacket open and engulfing Cosima from behind, whispering some French-nothing into her girlfriend’s neck.

Sarah pointed to a bag leaning against the wheel of the truck. “There are some starter chips in there.”

Beth grabbed the pack and made her way back to the circle of bag-chairs and blankets. “Cos, can I borrow your lighter?” It only took a moment for the dreadlocked girl to fish it from a pocket and toss it Beth’s direction.

With the fire started the party was in full swing. Cosima had taken control of the music, playing some mellow, vaguely electronic tunes on her phone, plugged into battery operated speakers. She’d shut down Sarah’s petty bickering with a surprisingly unprovoked and impassioned shout: “We listened to your music the whole way here, and you know we’re going to listen to it all the way home! Fucking let up, Sarah!” Beth wasn’t sure how the pugnacious punk would respond to the attack, but she was pleased to see Sarah back down without confrontation, waving Cosima off and nudging Felix from his seat on the cooler.

“Beers then?” Sarah said.

She passed them out. Without asking she dropped a glass bottle at Beth’s feet, her eyes shining like copper in the firelight. Her face scrunched and twisted in a strange expression that Beth took to be disgusted disbelief at Tony’s polite declination— “Fuck off, Sawicki.” She tossed a bottle into his chest anyway. He made eye contact with Beth and once Sarah’s back was turned he set the bottle on the ground, holding it upright between his worn out skate shoes; Beth couldn’t bring herself to reciprocate the depth of his gaze so she looked across the fire. 

Delphine and Cosima were laid flat on a blanket, Delphine had her head on Cosima’s shoulder and was looking straight towards the heavens, following the line of the shorter girl’s arm while she pointed out constellations.

The bottle pressed between her feet, cool and sweating, was seeping icy moisture into Beth’s ankles through the canvas of her high-tops. It was a cold touch she couldn’t ignore. She grazed her knuckles against the bottle cap, feeling it’s sharp edges catch along her joints. With a sigh she picked it up, spinning it in her palm to clean off the dirt and dead grass that had clung to the bottom. Beth closed her hand over the top and twisted, it was just giving under the pressure when Tony spoke.

“Beth, Felix is beerless, could you pass him one?”

She looked up and sure enough Felix was bottoms up, his throat open for the last swallow. The bottle popped hollowly from his lips and he waggled it in the air. She shook her head and looked down at beer in her hand. “Yeah, yeah,” she said, handing it Felix’s way with tightly shut eyes, “here.”

***

Her lashes fluttered open to aim dark orbs at the roof the tent. Helena was tossing and turning to her left, crinkling and shuffling her sleeping bag against the soft grassy earth. Sarah let out an agonized groan, and Beth shot a burst of laughter through her nose— it seemed like restless Helena was keeping them both awake.

Finally Sarah grunted into the loaded air and Helena’s head shot up to look over Beth’s body at her sister. After another beat Sarah gruffly lifted the corner of her sleeping bag in annoyed invitation.

The butt of Helena’s palm pressed against Beth’s sternum in her effort to clamber over to Sarah’s side, forcing the air out of Beth’s lungs like water breaking over flood walls. She caught her breath with a series of thin, choked, coughs while she watched the twins’ nightly ritual.

Helena dipped her body under Sarah’s arm, ducking her head to rest in the crease of her sister’s neck, her nose pressed against the bare skin above Sarah’s scoop neck collar. The punk covered Helena with her arm and the sleeping bag, they fit perfectly together inside it. Beth imagined them wrapped together in the womb. She wondered if their closeness was a product of nine months spent intertwined or if they’re bodies were somehow trying to get back what they’d lost after whatever tragedy had befallen them to split their tongues so drastically. As put-out as Sarah acted her mouth and nose were buried, unseen, in Helena’s curls. Beth wondered what it was like to belong to someone else so completely, to be two opposite halves of the same whole.

“я тебе люблю,” Helena’s tongue hummed words in prayer, echoing them around the empty chapel of her mouth, whispering them with reverence into Sarah’s skin. Sarah just murmured a sleepy affirmation in response, tightening her arm against Helena’s shoulder and nuzzling her face deeper into dark roots. Beth felt wrong watching them, seeing some holy tradition that wasn’t meant for the eyes of non-believers.

She slid from her sleeping bag as gracefully as she could, watching closely for any sign of movement from the twins— though it seemed that within moments of contact their restless bodies had settled into sleep. She tugged the zipper of the tent down behind her and turned to come face-to-face with Tony, feet kicked up against the fire pit, soles of his ratty shoes melting against the heat of it.

“Hey, Cutie,” He said around a mouthful of smoke.

Beth cleared her throat, glancing towards the tent he was supposed to be sharing with Felix. “What are you still doing up?”

“Felix develops a nasty gag reflex after a few too many, it was easier to just put him to bed.” He mimed drinking a beer, tipping his thumb back into his open mouth in explanation. Beth was finding that Tony had a unique knack for saying the things you most needed to hear, as well as the things you never wanted to know. She just wished she could have a warning which it was going to be before he opened his broad mouth. “What’s your excuse?”

Beth looked over her shoulder at the tent she’d left behind. “I couldn’t sleep.”

Tony just nodded in silent understanding, taking a drag off his cigarette and moving his eyes back to the fire.

She stood in silence for a full minute before speaking, “Tony?”

“Hmm?” He grunted, hypnotized by the flames, smoke trailing gracefully from his nostrils.

Beth shuffled her Chucks against the grass, toeing the blanket Cosima and Delphine had abandoned for their tent. She jammed her fists into the pockets of her hoody. “Just because I don’t drink doesn’t mean you can’t.”

He flicked his cigarette butt into the fire and it barked while it ate the offering, crackling and spitting for a moment before calming again. His eyes left the flames to look at her— they were solemn, ash-brown, and filled with words that couldn’t quite make the trip to his lips. He stood and closed the distance between them, gripping her upper arms with his strong hands, “Try and get some sleep, kid.” He dropped his arms to his sides and walked to his tent, unzipping it and crawling inside.

The sound of the flap closing was deafening in the silence of the night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just got a haircut, I’m feeling good, I like this chapter, let’s do this! Beth listens to music in this one. If you’re the kind of person who likes a multi-sensory experience you can listen along, the tune she’s playing is Sea Lion by Sage Francis. It’s lyrics are uncomfortably relevant to Beth’s story and the snare moving through it sets the perfect tone and pace for her late-night walk.

Beth was later through the apartment door than she’d anticipated, and much later than her father had anticipated. The teens hadn’t started to pack up until 3 in the afternoon, and packing had proved to be much less productive than unpacking had been. Cosima had snuck up behind Felix in her boredom and dumped the last quarter of a water bottle over his head, prompting a water fight that lasted nearly half an hour. They’d all had to share the same oil-stained towel that Sarah managed to find in the back of the truck.

It was nearing 6pm when she finally twisted her key in the lock.

Her father dog-eared the parenting book he was reading and leapt off the couch, moving to confront her, his finger out and aimed towards her face. She shook her head, slowly at first but with more vigor the closer he got. She thanked her mother for her small stature, effortless dipping under his much larger frame (Beth didn’t have much else to thank her mother for, just her dark eyes and penchant for even darker alcohol). She slipped around his body and made a bee-line for her room, dodging around boxes and shouted words as she went. She had the door shut before he reached it.

“Elizabeth,” The walk down the hall had cooled his temper and the anger was drained from his voice, Beth wished he sounded angry— it would have been easier to deal with. But the worry seeped crystal clear through the crack between the bottom of her door and the poorly maintained hardwood floor. “Elizabeth. Please open the door.”

“Dad, I—“

“You didn’t…?”

“No.” Beth sighed and pulled the door open, looking her father in his lost grey eyes. “I didn’t drink.”

He let out a relieved gust of air from his lungs. “You’re so late getting in, I thought…” he trailed off.

She just shrugged.

“Do you want to talk about the trip?”

Beth snorted, “Absolutely not.”

She knew he wasn’t used to parenting alone, wasn’t used to talking to her. She could see the discomfort in the roll of broad shoulders under his sweater. His voice came out in a whisper, “Did you meet a boy?”

Her eyes widened and she slammed the door in his face.

“Beth!” He was pressing into the seam of the closed door, she could hear his sweater catching against the long-since splintered wood. “Do you need me to get you any…” he groaned out the word, “condoms?”

“I need you to one-hundred-percent shut the hell up, Dad!” She whined into the door, turning to face the cluttered mess of her partially unpacked bedroom. He repeatedly thunked his head against the doorframe for a few seconds before she heard him walk off down the hall. Beth let out a shaky sigh, running her hand down her face. What the actual fuck?

***

If anyone cared to ask her what recovery was like she’d likely answer that the hardest part was not drinking. That wasn’t entirely true though, sleeping was the hardest part. Falling asleep was difficult, and staying asleep was nearly impossible. So when Beth startled awake covered in a sheen of sweat, and checked the time on her phone through lids protesting against the harsh brightness, she was thankful for the two hours of sleep she’d managed to get. It was 11pm. She swung her legs from under her blanket and set her feet on the cold floor, shivering; though she wasn’t sure if it was from the wood under her toes or if it was the just shakes that had taken up residence in her body becoming more pronounced in the stillness of the night.

She needed to move, to settle her rattling thoughts. Beth plugged her earbuds into the bottom of her phone and pressed them into her ears, thumbing to a song to fit her mood, setting it to repeat, falling into the steady bump of the music. She shuffled around a few boxes until she found the one she was looking for, prying it open and digging through it’s contents. She threw her championship ball onto her bed and found her running shoes at the bottom of the box under a few haphazardly piled trophies and balled up jerseys. She fished a pair of socks from her dresser and sat on the edge of her bed to slip into her shoes. The ball rolled into the weight of her, bumping insistently against her back. Beth clenched her jaw against the feel of it, tying her shoes tight enough to hurt.

She nearly made it out the apartment before she turned back to her room and scooped the ball off the bed.

Beth wasn’t sure where she was going, she just let the ball lead her, catching and rolling it against the inside and outside of her shoes. The smooth motions lulled her until she didn’t notice the incessant trembling in her hands stop. She nodded her head to the beat of the music, moving freer with each verse, with each stop sign she passed. She spun in a tight circle, flicking the ball around her body with her heel to meet it and continue forward without pause. She was smiling by the time she crossed the sideline of East Toronto High’s soccer pitch. Her body recognized her surroundings before she did, and she finally came to when she lobbed the ball 30 yards— right between the posts.

She stopped and sighed, looking around in the thick darkness, finally giving in to the urge to run. She sprinted across the width of the pitch three times before she made her way into the goal, chest expanding widely, shaking the net and reaching out with a foot to free her ball from under the loose fold of it. She heeled it behind her and turned, chasing it, dribbling down the length of the field as fast as she could push her legs, focusing only on evening out her breathing. Beth ran with her eyes closed, mentally timing each stretch of her legs, measuring each yard. She juked left around an imaginary opponent, nutmegging the ball between their spread legs and catching up with it on the other side, her forearm stretched out as a shield to press against the chest of the invisible midfielder.

She was too deep in her head to hear the sputtering of Alison’s clunker, the slam of the steel door, the gentle crunch of grass beneath the smaller teen’s shoes, the sound of her name called out across the distance. Despite the cool night air, her tangled hair stuck to the sweat beading across her forehead and neck.

And suddenly the ball wasn’t where she’d expected it to be, the outside of her foot met empty air and she stumbled, turning and opening her eyes to find it at Alison’s feet, moving fast in the opposite direction. She stopped and gulped in air for a beat before instinct kicked in and her sneakers dug into the soft ground.

Alison was quick, quicker than Beth expected, and her constantly uptight posture gave bend to willowy movements on the pitch. Beth struggled to catch up with the fleet-footed girl but when she did she gently checked Alison’s shoulder with the outside of her forearm, tripping her up enough to kick the ball out from under her. Beth turned into the collision, spinning her body against Alison’s and catching the ball with her leading foot, kicking it a few feet and pushing off of Alison’s back with her shoulder blades to run after it. Alison was fast to recover, pivoting and giving chase, reaching out until her fingers tangled with the side of Beth’s thin hoody. She didn’t tug hard, just lightly enough to give herself more speed, using it to guide her around Beth’s body. Her foot jutted out in front of Beth, kicking the ball to their right. They tangled limbs trying to turn in the same space, shoving with elbows and pressing flesh with groping hands.

Beth came out victorious, pushing against Alison’s chest with her palms to propel herself towards the ball. She was a full length ahead of the other girl, maintaining the distance all the way to the center circle.

Alison gave a hard push forward and dropped to the ground, sliding with momentum until she collided with Beth’s feet. Beth was on the ground faster than her body could react to the tackle, and Alison was up and halfway to the loose ball when she got her elbows under her torso and looked up. “What the hell, Alison?!” She jerked her earbuds out and spat out the blade of grass that had ended up stuck to her tongue. She pushed herself onto her knees, sitting back on her heels.

Alison slowed to a standstill and turned, stopping the ball with her foot on top of it. She kicked it gently, walking back towards Beth. “Sorry,” she said between heavy breaths. Beth begrudgingly accepted the outstretched hand and let Alison pull her to her feet. “I get a little competitive.”

“A little?” Beth rolled her ankle to ease the ache caused by Alison’s sneakers.

Alison’s brow furrowed, “It was a clean tackle.”

Beth just shook her head and brushed past Alison, tapping the ball out from between her legs and slowly trotting off towards the goal. Alison followed her, first walking and then jogging, until they were side by side. They both slowed until they were standing near the middle of the pitch, a chasm of empty space between them.

“It was a clean tackle.” Alison said again, her voice sure.

Beth couldn’t disagree, she relented, “I know.” She pulled at the sweat-soaked strands plastered to her face.

“What are you doing out here?” Alison pulled a spare hair tie off her wrist and offered it. She busied herself with tightening her own ponytail while Beth twisted up her hair.

Beth shrugged and unzipped her hoody, shucking it off and dropping it to the grass. “I don’t know, I couldn’t sleep.” The silence between them was uncomfortably heavy, they just gasped for breath into empty air, so she spoke again, “What about you, what are you doing here on a Saturday night? Don’t you have better things to do?”

An oxygen-choked rasp escaped Alison’s throat at Beth’s insolence, “This is my pitch. I’m here every day, you’re the one who’s out of place.”

It made Beth laugh, and she dropped heavily onto her tailbone, catching herself with her arms splayed, kicking her feet out in front of her. She groaned as her muscles relaxed.

Alison sat next to her, tucking the sole of her shoe against her thigh and leaning forward to stretch her hamstring. Beth mimicked her position and the tension between them eased as their muscles did.

***

“My name is Beth, I’m an alcoholic.” Beth gave a half-hearted wave that was met with a chorus of nods and “Hi, Beth”s. She slid her hand back in place, tucked under the arm crossed over her chest; she sunk lower in her chair and greeted the balding man next to her with the rest of the group.

Most of the other people around the table said that they were grateful, but Beth wasn’t. She’d never be grateful for the things that she’d done, she wasn’t even sure she’d ever be anything more than bitter or numb.

A man at the head of the table (Joshua, Beth thought she remembered his name, even after more than a handful of meetings) glanced down at his notes, “Beth, four weeks sober, congratulations.” He led the table in a round of applause.

She shook her head, holding up a hand. “Don’t clap, don’t clap,” she muttered, offering a weak smile as the chip made it’s way down the table, from hand to hand until it landed in her palm. Her neighbor clapped her on the shoulder, smiling proudly.

“Congratulations,” He said.

She just grimaced and nodded. Four weeks. It seemed like eternity. It seemed like only hours ago. It seemed like it never happened, and never ended, all at the same time. She fluttered her eyelids against the memories: Paul’s head thrown back with laughter ( _his spiteful fire eyes_ ), the way they stormed the pitch and hoisted her on their shoulders, and later that night, Art’s broad hand reaching for her keys ( _his jaw bruised from her fist_ ), Angela DeAngelis sitting back on the hood of her car ( _her sultry, venomous gaze_ ).

Beth gritted her jaw against tears and squeezed the chip in her palm until it hurt too much to waste energy thinking about the past.

***

Beth skipped study hall on Monday, wandering into the commons with her heavy back pack slung over her shoulder. She’d decided to take Cosima up on her offer of tutoring. Beth was smart, but not smart enough to catch up on half of a semester’s worth of work alone. The other girl hadn’t arrived yet, so Beth picked a table and dropped her bag on it, pulling out her books.

She was two questions in when Sarah flopped down next to her. She tugged her earbuds out and looked up.

“Hey,” Sarah greeted.

“Skipping study hall again, Sarah?” Beth chewed on the end of her pen and drummed her fingers against her open book.

Sarah grinned, “And what is it that you’re doing here? Doesn’t look like you’re in much of a position to be chastising.”

“Ah, I’m studying, can’t you tell?” Beth smirked and bumped shoulders with the punk. “What, never seen a textbook before?”

Sarah laughed loudly, nodding in defeat, “Alright, alright.”

“Where is your partner in crime?” Beth twisted around, looking for Felix in the empty commons area. If she remembered correctly, his locker was along the wall not far from them.

Sarah sucked her teeth and shrugged, “Theatre shit.” After a few beats of silence Beth looked back to her homework. She didn’t get far in the sentence she was reading when Sarah spoke again, “Hey, I wanted to thank you.”

Beth’s brow furrowed and she looked into Sarah’s face for any sign of ribbing, but the girl’s ruddy eyes were as sincere as Beth had ever seen them. “For?”

“Helena told me you’ve been talking with her.”

Beth nodded, “Yeah, no problem. She’s cool.”

“Yeh, she’s alright.” Sarah shrugged, brushing it off.

They were quiet for a few more moments before Beth finally asked, “What’s the story there?”

Sarah took in a long slow breath before releasing it all at once in a gust, “We were separated real young, just a few days old I think. I ended up in the foster system back in Brixton, Helena got passed off to the church.” She bit the inside of her cheek and Beth began to feel that the question was a much deeper one than she’d expected. “Uh, she ended up in Ukraine. They, ah…” Sarah swallowed against something, “they didn’t treat her right.” She looked up at the ceiling, and with the movement Beth could swear she was looking at Helena’s face and not Sarah’s. “Anyway, she found her file there one day, found out about me, and she ran. She just ran, with nothing but the clothes on her back.”

Beth let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. “She made it all the way to England?”

Sarah shook her head, “All the way here. Ms. S moved Felix and I out here when I was twelve or so.” There was a long silence. “She ran all the way here, she found me. Just showed up on the front doorstep one Tuesday morning before school.”

“I guess that kind of explains a lot,” Beth said, hoping to give Sarah a way out.

The punk didn’t take it, “The guys that brought her over, they did something to her.” Her eyes were glazed over at the thought. It hit Beth like a ton of bricks square in her chest. “She’s never been able to talk about it, but I know— I can feel it inside me…like they did it to me.”

Beth opened her mouth to speak, but Cosima greeted them from the hallway as she approached, “Sorry, sorry I’m late.” She waved her hands dramatically, “I’m kind of always late, so…kind of always sorry,” she said to Beth as she closed the distance.

“Oi oi, Cos.” Sarah snapped into a conversational tone, leaning back and shimmying her shoulders, her fingertips sliding through the grate of the table to support her weight when her butt slipped off the back of the bench. “How was your hot date?”

An impossibly wide smile split Cosima’s face and she melted into the bench across from them, pressing her face into the table and splaying her arms out towards them. She groaned, “Delphine is the most incredible lover.” She looked up, making intense eye contact with Sarah, “She’s going to kill me.”

“Sexed to death?” Sarah laughed and shoved Cosima’s hands away from her.

“I’m ruined.” Cosima said dramatically, spinning around on the bench so that she was arching her back against the table, looking up at the ceiling. She draped a tattooed wrist over her eyes and sighed heavily. There was a beat of silence before she spun back around, whipping upright to look at Beth, “So? Calc or physics first?”

“That’s my cue to get the hell out of here.” Sarah stood and ruffled Cosima’s dreads affectionately as she left them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a one-shot to go along with this chapter, if you feel like you could be into that. It can be found under the title “Cable Car One-Shots”. It’s the only one, so it’s chapter one. There will be more. Since this story is told from Beth’s perspective we miss out on some fun stuff that happens when Beth isn’t around. Those one-shots would be a good place to go if you’re interested in that kind of thing. This first one is Sestra Sestra love.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say that this story dealt with some mature themes, I told you I’d warn you when it happens. It’s happening. Here’s a breakdown on some warnings for this chapter:
> 
> There is mention of domestic abuse (skip the second scene if you’re looking to avoid it). Also, a bit of sexiness takes place in a flashback in this chapter. It’s certainly not non-consensual, but it does fall in a sort of shady area— we’ll call it dub-con to be safe. If you’re not comfortable with that kind of thing, please don’t feel pressured to read this chapter (if you just want to skip that particular scene it’s in italics and takes place in the gas station scene). Again, minor sexiness, I wouldn’t say it qualifies as M rated, but if you feel differently let me know and I’ll go ahead and bump up the rating.

Cosima was a patient teacher, they sat hunched over books for the rest of the hour (Beth sat, Cosima paced— weaving hands and dipping head in explanation like she couldn’t fill the space with enough words to make her point). When the hour ended and the commons area started to fill with students making their way to lunch, Beth suggested they meet up with the rest of the group in the cafeteria.

Cosima just shook her head, too deep in explaining the process for solving an equation. “No, no,” she’d said, “we can work through lunch.”

“Don’t you want to see Delphine?” Beth asked. 

This made Cosima stop suddenly in her tracks, a dreamy smile crossing her face, briefly lost in thought. Beth closed her book and moved to stand but Cosima shook herself back to reality and pressed Beth back down with insistent hands, “Sarah knows where we are. They’ll come out when they’re done eating.”

Beth relented and opened her book back up. It was easy to fall back into listening, Cosima’s impassioned, swirling motions and rapid-fire exposition were as informative as they were fascinating to watch.

They’d just switched to physics when Sarah rounded the corner, Delphine and Helena in tow. She threw out a hand in their direction before changing course towards the outward facing doors; Helena followed her sister, but Delphine continued their way. Cosima didn’t pause the lesson as she passed, but they linked hands briefly until Delphine was out of reach, stretching their arms to allow their fingertips time to linger. The blonde sat on the bench caddy-corner to Beth and set her elbow against the table, resting her jaw in her hand; her long legs were kicked out along the length of the bench, crossed at the ankles.

Beth’s eyes moved from Cosima’s hands, painting theories in the air, to Delphine’s smitten grin. There was a slight blush moving up the blonde’s porcelain neck and Beth wondered if Delphine was thinking about the ‘killer sex’ they’d had the night before. Her eyelashes fluttered over her dark eyes. Everything about Cosima oozed sexuality— her tight-fitting clothes, the slink of her shoulders, the way her movements led with her hips. Delphine was more reserved, but her hazel eyes spoke volumes, shouting promise of experience and desire. Beth chewed at the inside of her cheek and forced herself to focus on her book.

***

Beth wasn’t surprised to learn that Tony had been smoking both weed and cigarettes for five years. She jogged in place at his side while he held his knees and struggled for breath, doubled over. “Fuck,” he sputtered around a gasp, “I’m actually dying.”

“You’re not dying,” Beth patted him between his shoulder blades. “Come on, we haven’t even gone a mile yet.”

“What, seriously?” He stood up, face scrunched, body twisted and stiff, “It’s been like half an hour.”

Beth fished her phone from it’s place tucked between her stomach and the waistband of her gym shorts as the rest of the class rounded the corner and lapped them. She glanced at the screen, “It’s been ten minutes.”

Tony pulled the hem of his grey East Toronto High Athletics shirt up to wipe the sweat from his face, groaning into the fabric. Beth’s eyes widened— down Tony’s left side was a yellow and brown bruise, patterned against his rib cage.

She wasn’t sure what compelled her to reach out and touched it with the tips of her fingers, but when he felt her skin graze his he tugged his shirt down quickly. “Hey,” he said, surprised, “hands to yourself, girlfriend. I’m spoken for.”

“Tony,” She whispered, her voice wavering.

He just shook his head, “Don’t ‘Tony’ me. I’m fine. Seriously.” He refused eye contact and instead started walking forward along the track, “Come on, let’s go.”

“Tony, stop!” She reached for him, gripping his upper arm to hold him back but he yanked it forcefully from her grasp.

His voice was dark and angry when he spoke, “My dad is a drunk, Beth. That’s how I knew you were too. I saw it in your face, that day behind the library.” He sighed, his voice growing softer, “Then I realized why your name sounded so familiar: I was visiting my mom in Montreal a few months ago, I saw an article in the paper about your car crash.”

Beth ducked her head and turned her shoulders away from him. The sounds of the stampede could be heard all the way across the track. She wished they’d crush her beneath their awkward, untrained footfalls.

“I didn’t tell anyone.”

She just nodded, chewing the inside of her cheek.

“Beth,” He moved to stand in front of her. “We’ve all got our shit, every single person.” He pointed towards the herd, “Like, Alex Abbot? She spent most of the summer in rehab after she ODed on coke in the locker room on the last day of school.” His finger shifted, “Or Marcus Krohn, he tried to off himself twice last year.” He pointed again, “Daliah Gillet? They say she’ll deep throat anyone,” He smirked, his eye teeth catching the afternoon sun, “like, huge dicks.”

Beth finally laughed and shook her head, shielding her face with one hand and shoving his shoulder with the other.

“I don’t know if that one’s true though.” He said, winking. “You’re a drunk. My dad gets rough,” he shrugged, still smiling, “that’s life.”

She pushed him forward with her palms against his back until he finally broke into a jog. The traveled together, slowly, around the track. Between steady breaths she asked, “Is that why you won’t drink around me? You worried I’ll break?”

“No.” He stopped, dropping his hands to his knees and wheezing in air, “I just…” it took him a moment to swallow enough air to speak. “I just don’t want to end up like my dad, you know? I thought I had time, I thought I didn’t have to worry about it until I was older. Seeing you, you’re younger than me and look at all the shit that happened to you.” He shrugged, “I guess the look on your face back there made me realize I wasn’t as invincible as I thought I was.”

“You won’t end up like your dad, Tony. You’re a nice guy.” She laid a hand on his shoulder.

He let out a barking laugh, “Yeah, my dad was nice once too. Felix deserves better than that, our kids deserve better.”

“Felix?” Beth asked, “You’re planning on having kids with Felix?”

Tony’s brow furrowed, “Yeah. What, you think two dudes ca—“

“No, no, it’s not that.” Beth held up her hands, “Just…Felix doesn’t seem like the type to settle down.”

The tables had turned somehow, and Tony was the one who couldn’t meet _her_ gaze. He shrugged noncommittally, speaking through a tight throat— “He’s young,” was all he said before he took off at a jog.

***

Beth gave Delphine a lame excuse as to why she couldn’t make it to the library that day. She had a more important stop to make on the way home. When the bell chimed Alison’s eyes shot up and her tight lips fumbled around a greeting and a smile, like she couldn’t manage both at once. Beth just smirked and grabbed a Pepsi from the cooler. She paid Alison and opened it, taking a long drink.

“That stuff is really not good for you,” Alison said, her eyes locked on the movement of Beth’s throat through each swallow.

She twisted the cap back on it and set it down on the counter, “You’ve got to live a little, Alison.”

“Yes, I guess you do.” Alison tightened her ponytail.

“No, I don’t mean ‘you’ like people in general.” Beth laughed, “I meant ‘you’, like _you_. You specifically. _You’ve_ got to live a little.”

The other girl looked offended, “Just because I don’t chug high fructose corn syrup by the bottle does not mean that I don’t ‘live’.”

Beth just hummed and nodded, looking around at their surroundings: there was a case of donuts that looked older than Beth was comfortable with, a lottery ticket machine, rows and rows of cigarettes lined the wall behind Alison (she spotted Delphine’s brand, and Tony’s), and a black computer chair with little wheels that she imagined the employees used to rest their feet when no one was around.

Alison was watching her closely, she could feel dark eyes settle on the small, uneven beauty mark that marred her right cheek. “Beth?”

Their eyes met, “Yeah?”

“Would you, maybe…” Alison looked down at the clipboard she was fiddling with, tapping the back of her pen against the stack of papers it held, “I don’t know, would you like to go out sometime?” She was holding her breath, shoulders scrunched up, chest pushed out.

Beth slid around to the employee-only side of the counter, hoping to push Alison back a bit, but the other girl didn’t budge— undaunted by Beth invading her personal space. Beth faltered, losing confidence. “Like a movie?” She spun the wheely chair around and sat on it, pushing it back and forth along the tile floor with her heels. Her knees were nearly touching Alison’s with each pull forwards.

“If you want.” Alison’s fingers found the soft skin behind her own ear, tapping the spot and fiddling with her lobe. She was cute when she was nervous, Beth smiled.

Going on a date with Alison was exactly what Beth wanted, it made her stomach tumble and her heart beat faster. Still, dating was known to lead to kissing, and kissing to more…Beth’s eyes fluttered shut.

_Paul’s hands were heavy on her bare thighs, insistently keeping her legs wrapped around his waist. His hot mouth exhaled hotter air against her neck. She swallowed and he groaned, his hips pistoning into her. The locker clanged angrily behind her, she dropped her head back against it, her eyes focusing on the ceiling. She saw it every day, that ceiling, with it’s familiar cracks and swirls. His fresh, young stubble scraped against her throat and she closed her eyes._

In the time it took Beth to retreat into her memories Alison’s eyes had grown wider until she turned her back to Beth, busying herself with the clipboard. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

A sharp pain moved through Beth’s chest, the last thing she’d intended to do by coming by the gas station was hurt Alison’s feelings. “Alison, I do want to go on a date with you. I do.”

The other girl turned quickly on her heel, clutching the clipboard to her chest, her arms crossed over it. “You do?” Her face was full of sad disbelief, not the hopeful look Beth wanted to see.

“I do.”

“But?” Alison picked up more from her words than Beth thought she would.

Beth sighed, dark eyes were taking in her expression, darting quickly in their sockets— absorbing every muscle twitch, every facial cue. Beth couldn’t take it. She stood quickly, jamming one hand in the too-tight pocket of her jeans and reaching out with the other to brush Alison’s bare forearm with the backs of her knuckles. “But nothing, let’s do it.” Alison smiled, wide and open, until it reached her eyes. Unease settled in the pit of Beth’s stomach, but she could feel the tips of her fingers tingling, like all the blood was rushing to her head. _Alison Hendrix,_ Beth licked her lips, cherry lip balm and summer.

Alison turned quickly, setting the clipboard down on the counter and getting back to work taking inventory. Beth smiled and flopped back down in the chair, “So, when do you want to go?” She asked.

“Whenever you want. This weekend?” Alison’s voice sounded like it was leaping over the hurdle of her twisted lip, like she was biting at the bottom of her smile with pearly white teeth.

Beth grinned, tilting back in the chair, it let out a loud squeal under her, “Friday?”

“I have rehearsals until 7, but if you want to go out after that…”

“Rehearsals?” She tilted forward and back, the chair protesting again.

Alison’s neck rippled at the noise, she tilted her head stiffly to the side. “Yes, I’m in the Spring musical.”

“Theatre and soccer? Kind of a heavy load.” Beth watched Alison’s back and experimentally swiveled the chair. Another creak caused the girl’s shoulder blades to flex, Beth bit her lip to hide her smile and drew her knee up, planting her heel against her butt on the seat.

“I like to stay busy,” Alison said, turning to count cigarette boxes.

Beth pushed at the ground with her toes, spinning the chair slowly. It screeched as she spun, loud and high. Alison whipped her head around and met Beth’s mischievous eyes as she came full circle to face her again. Beth put up her hands in apology and then rested them on her stomach, twisting her fingers together and leaning as far back as she could.

When Alison turned her gaze again to the cigarette wall, Beth planted both feet firmly on the floor and pushed hard, spinning the chair quickly, reveling in the obnoxious scream it made. Suddenly Alison was facing her, reaching out with a foot to stop Beth’s momentum. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Beth!”

***

‘I have a date on Friday.’ Beth thumbed the words into her phone, keeping her eyes on the whiteboard where Mr. Larson was writing out 10 questions for the class to work on.

Cosima’s pocket let out a quiet buzz and Beth looked over at her. The girl had heavy bags under her eyes, it was obviously still too early in the morning for her. She dug a hand up to her tattooed wrist in the loose pocket of her flowing sweater, fishing out the phone. She glanced at it and responded quickly. ‘Ooo girl, anyone I know?’

‘Alison Hendrix.’

‘Holy watershed.’ Cosima leaned back in her seat and craned her neck to look back at Rachel, who made brief, glaring eye contact before turning back to her notebook. ‘Rachel is letting her date now?’

‘What does that mean?’

The dreadlocked girl picked up her pen and began scribbling the assigned questions in her decorated, crooked handwriting. Her other hand stayed under her desk, tapping out a reply: ‘She usually keeps Alison on a pretty short leash.’

Beth’s eyelashes fluttered. ‘Did they go out or something?’

‘Nah, but I think Rachel is the captain of the soccer-thing, or whatever.’

Beth looked back to find Rachel’s eyes already locked on her, the poised girl’s shoulders looked even stiffer than usual. She held Rachel’s gaze for a few moments before shoving her cell phone in her pocket and turning back to the front of the class, gripping her pen tightly and getting to work.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Six chapters of peace and quiet? Time to shake things up. Let's get this story moving.
> 
> Beth is listening to Heavy Rescue by Doomtree, if you're interested in listening along.

Tuesday afternoon was unseasonably warm. Beth was flat out on her back with her head pillowed against her ball, one hand behind her head to stop it from rolling. Her neck was craned at a sharp angle, but the gentle heat of the sun’s rays melted her muscles and she was too comfortable to move. The grass of the pitch tickled the backs of her arms and her sides where her shirt rode up. The blades that snuck under the hem of her jeans played against her ankles like fingers along the strings of a harp. Her music thrummed from her earbuds, enveloping her body while her heart kept time with the _thumpthumtumthumpathump_ of the bass.

A shadow flew quickly over her, momentarily blocking out the sun. She opened her eyes but saw nothing but clear blue sky, closing them again and tapping her toes to the beat. She let her free hand move from her stomach to the grass, tangling her fingers in its muggy warmth, her lips silently mouthing lyrics. _Danger is as danger does, there’s a motor in the water and it’s coming for us, and I can smell the gasoline, smell the rust, and I can’t move fast enough away._ A minute later the sun was blotted out again, this time fully. She felt a nudge against her ribs and her lids shot open.

She was backlit, making her face dark and indistinguishable, but the silhouette was distinctly Alison. Beth’s arms jerked to her sides and the ball slid out from under her head, she righted herself just in time to avoid smacking her skull against the ground. Up on her elbows, she tugged her earbuds out and grinned, squinting against the light haloing Alison’s figure. “Oh, hey.” She grinned.

“You weren’t in history today,” Alison sounded concerned, “I saved you a seat.”

Beth looked out over the pitch, “It’s so nice out.”

“Aren’t you behind in all of your classes?”

She let out a chuckle, dropping back to the ground, her ponytail pressing into the back of her head. “Yeah.”

“Elizabeth,” Alison’s tone was chastising.

“Please, don’t start.” Beth patted the soft earth beside her in invitation.

Alison walked around her, fetching the ball that she’d kicked over Beth’s prone body just a minute before. She returned, dropping gracefully, her legs pretzeling until she was seated cross-legged at Beth’s side. “Come on,” Beth tugged gently at Alison’s shirt, urging her back. The other girl complied, laying flat, her body stretched out just inches away. Her arm was bent sharply, elbow straight out above her head, her palm cupping the back of her neck.

Beth’s eyes traced the outline of Alison’s thumb where it rested against her pulse point. Her dark orbs were looking up at the cloudless sky— nothing but straight up for miles. “So what did I miss?”

“What?” Alison started, her head jerking to make eye contact. Beth wondered what she’d been thinking about.

“History?” Beth asked, reaching out to pinch Alison’s side gently, “What did I miss?”

Alison looked back up at the sky, her throat moving with a swallow, “Oh, nothing. Mr. Wallace got off track while talking about smallpox blankets.” Her voice went up an octave, “We are so far behind that the syllabus is completely useless at this point.” Beth’s smile spread slowly as she watched Alison tense and fidget, “I mean, why even hand out a syllabus if you don’t plan on sticking to it. You know?” She let out an exasperated sigh, “I just…” unable to find words, her hands flew into the air in a frustrated motion.

“Oh yeah?” Beth rocked onto her side, her hand coming to rest easily on Alison’s arm. The movement surprised both of them, their eyelashes beating in shocked staccato. Beth pulled her hand back and managed to find something of interest between soft blades of grass.

Alison’s let out a breathy whisper, “Yeah.” She cleared her throat suddenly and sat up, turning to face Beth, her legs crossing until her feet were tucked under her thighs. “Do you want to get out of here?”

Beth moved back onto both elbows, looking around at the even ground around them, “Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere.”

Anywhere ended up being a nearby playground, about halfway to Beth’s apartment. They’d walked slowly, Beth listened while Alison spoke about the soccer team, and when she asked about Rachel, Alison wearily answered: they were co-captains, but the title was nothing but that— a meaningless title. Rachel was heavy-handed and ruthless in the way she ran the team, her methods worked well, but Alison was unhappy with how little Rachel valued her input. They’d been playing together their whole lives and yes— Rachel had always been the same Rachel Duncan; even as a grade one wearing tiny shinguards she’d been a brutal tactician.

Their balls skittered across the ground, sometimes crossing paths and winding up at the feet of the wrong person before finding their way back to their owner. When they approached the playground Beth barely altered their path, drawn somehow to the wood-chips and equipment, until they were standing in the middle of the thing wondering how they’d gotten there.

It wasn’t long before Beth was clambering up the metal fixtures, her courage bolstered by Alison’s presence. The smaller girl was looking up at her, squinting into the sunlight when Beth reached the top, swinging her legs over the thin railing until she was balancing her behind on it.

“Be careful, Beth.” Her genuine concern made Beth chuckle.

“I’m always careful, Alison.” The look in the other girl’s brown eyes made Beth’s chest swell with bravado, she leaned her weight forward until she could grab the side-rails of the monkey bars, pulling herself over to them. She could feel Alison’s eyes on her skin, in all the spots where her shirt rode up and her muscles flexed heavily with the effort. She bit her lip and pulled her focus, hoisting herself up until she was sitting on the first rung. It took more work than she let on to lift herself to her feet, but she made it look easy, and soon she was standing tall on the third rung with her arms out for balance.

“Seriously, Beth, get down.” The concern in Alison’s voice turned to worry, but Beth was flying high, her head thrown back as laughter bubbled from deep inside her stomach. “I’m not kidding, get down! You’re going to hurt yourself!”

Beth stepped forward to the next rung. Her high-tops were old, the soles worn thin enough to give against the bars. With each step forward Alison’s tension eased until she was back to her normal amount of stiff. She even managed a smile when Beth reached the end and sat down on the side-rail closest to her. She swatted at Beth’s dangling feet. “You are so stupid. What if you’d fallen?”

“You would have caught me,” Beth grinned down at her, kicking at her playfully.

Alison laughed, “I would have done no such thing, Elizabeth Childs. I would have let you fall flat on your back.”

“Ohhh, I don’t believe that.”

They sat in silence for a few beats, smiling at each other with wide, giddy grins. “You look so at home up there.” Alison finally spoke. Beth just shrugged, “Have you considered volunteering for the musical?”

“What?” Beth let out a loud burst of laugher, rocking backwards, her legs thrusting out to maintain her balance.

“I’m serious,” Alison did sound serious, “we could really use a tech for the running crew who isn’t terrified of heights— Greg Porch is doing it now and he’s just awful. The lighting designer is going to kill him.” She amended her statement quickly, “He’s a wonderful set designer, don’t get me wrong, but he doesn’t know the first thing about lighting.”

“ _I_ don’t know the first thing about lighting, Alison.”

***

“They’re selling tickets to prom already?” Sarah leaned back in her chair, tilting onto its back legs and craning to see the tables set up on the other side of the lunch room. There was a glitter covered paper sign taped to the front of the table that read ‘PROM tickets’.

Tony smacked Felix’s chest with the back of his hand, “You want to go to prom with me, fuckboy? I’ll get you a limo, you can wear a pretty dress?”

Felix broke out in laughter, “I want a carriage driven by white horses and tiny men with coattails.”

“Anything you want, Cinderella.” Tony draped his arm across the back of Felix’s chair and leaned in for a kiss, but the younger boy jerked his head back, side-eyeing Tony suspiciously.

“Wait, are you serious?”

Tony’s brow furrowed and he pulled back a bit, still leaning into Felix’s space, “Yeah, of course. Come to prom with me.”

Felix scoffed, “Not a chance in hell, Tony.” He pushed the scruffy boy back with a hand on his chest. “You know I don’t do school dances.”

“What?” Tony gaped, incredulous. “You really don’t want to go to prom?”

“Do I look like I want to go to prom?” Felix asked.

Sarah couldn’t hold back any longer, the laughter raspberrying from between her tightly pressed lips. “Shite, I can’t, I just can’t.” She doubled over, her forehead conking against the table as she held her ribs, her laugher coming out unbidden and unrestrained.

Beth’s eyes moved from Felix and Tony to Sarah, then to the rest of the silent group. Helena was knuckle deep in a jello cup, scooping the contents out with crooked fingers and sucking on them greedily. Delphine and Cosima were both wide-eyed, they looked at each other and then at Beth.

Tony turned his face away from the group, shaking his head so slightly that the only indication was the quiet movement of his hair against his shoulders. He released the back of Felix’s chair and stood quickly, pushing his own chair back and grabbing his soda off the table as he turned to storm away.

Beth’s lashes fluttered, her eyes settling on Felix’s shocked expression— a stark contrast to the relaxed posture of his body, draped casually back against his chair. The boy’s jaw was gaping open, his inky-brown eyes following his boyfriend’s retreating back.

“Did that seriously just happen?” Cosima asked, her head turned to watch Tony go. Delphine turned completely in her chair, back straight, using her height to look over the throng of seated students.

Beth reached out and swatted Sarah who was still in a fit of hysterics. “Oh come on, you guys!” Sarah barked, “That was bloody hilarious!”

Felix didn’t laugh, but he didn’t follow the older boy, he just stayed motionless— body and mouth slack. His phone rested on the skin of his chest, smooth above the plunging neckline of his shirt.

“Prom?!” Sarah was refusing to let up, finally looking around the table to figure out why no one else was laughing with her. Cosima was still in shock, but Delphine’s face had grown long and a frown was tugging at the corners of her lips, the bottom one sucked between her teeth. Sarah turned to Beth, “Yeah? Prom?”

Beth leaned back and crossed her arms, shaking her head slightly. The punk just turned to Helena and slapped her on the arm through her thick parka. Helena finally looked up from her Jello cup, glancing from Sarah to Felix and then to Sarah again.

“Tony is sad now,” the blonde said. “You do not laugh when you are sad, Sestra. Why do you laugh when Tony is sad?”

Cosima’s lips were pursed, “From the mouths of babes.”

Sarah’s mouth stuck open, her jaw cocked, tongue running over her teeth. Her burning gaze turned on Cosima who shrugged with her hands, eyebrows raised. Sarah didn’t speak, just stood and threw her napkin into her fry-boat, huffing off in the opposite direction.

Felix was up and moving, finally following the path Tony had taken from the cafeteria.

Delphine was the first to speak, “Well, I think that could have gone better,” she glanced over her shoulder at Felix’s retreating back, “I hope Tony is okay.”

“Trouble in paradise?”

Beth didn’t have to turn her head to recognize the looming presence of Rachel Duncan at her back. “Suck a dick, Rachel,” she growled.

“Now, now, no need to be crude.”

Beth whipped around in her chair, gripping the back of it, but Rachel wasn’t alone— at the blonde’s left hip stood Alison, holding a plastic tray with a salad and a milk carton. They made eye contact, but Alison quickly looked away. It made the blood boil behind Beth’s eardrums. She stood, shoving her chair under the table and pressing into Rachel’s personal space. “I don’t know what your problem with me is, Rachel, but I’d appreciate it if you’d kindly fuck off. Yeah? Great.” Before the stiff girl had a chance to respond, Beth pushed past them, her shoulder knocking into Rachel’s and brushing against Alison’s on the way.

***

Beth wanted to speak to Tony during gym but he hadn’t shown up; she worried her lip and looked around— neither had Sarah. While scanning the students for familiar faces, she made eye contact with Alison, breaking it just as quickly, but the smaller girl hurried towards her anyway. If Sarah wasn’t around, that meant…Beth spotted Helena, hands dug in the pockets of the coat she wore over her uniform. Before Alison could reach her, Beth grabbed Helena’s elbow, offering a kind smile. “Need a partner for warm ups, Helena?”

Alison stopped suddenly, her face contorted in an expression Beth couldn’t read from the brief glance she’d spared the girl. But she couldn’t avoid Alison forever, and immediately after warm ups she felt a firm grip on her wrist. “Beth, stop, listen to me.” Alison’s pleading voice left Beth resigned.

She turned, shoulders hunched, “What?”

“I know Rachel is a hard pill to swallow, I’m sorry.” She released Beth’s arm, her eyes left trained on the spot.

Beth let out a noise somewhere between a scoff and a laugh, “Excuse me?”

“She’s been worse since you came.” Alison crossed her arms and shifted her weight from foot to foot, “I told her you weren’t interested in playing, but she—“

Beth put up a hand, interrupting her, “Wait, you told Rachel I didn’t want to join the team?”

Alison’s eyes widened, her lashes fluttering, “Y-yes.” Beth shook her head and turned to walk away but Alison was hot on her heels, “I didn’t think it mattered, Beth, I’m sorry!”

Beth stopped and turned, her eyes hard, “Whatever is between us is none of Rachel Duncan’s fucking business, Alison. Nothing I ever tell you is any of her business. I can’t believe I have to say that to you.” Alison flinched, unable to meet Beth’s gaze. “I don’t need her lap dog following me around, spying for her. Is that what this is, is that why you—?”

“No!” Alison leapt, grabbing Beth’s arm with both hands, her palms were slick with sweat. “It’s not like that, nothing like that. I’m not her… spy.”

“Well, it sure looks like it, Alison.” Beth wrenched her arm free and turned to find Helena, but the girl was standing immediately behind her.

Beth startled, blinking, coming face to face with the blonde. “Is there a problem, Beth?” Helena glanced past her to look at Alison.

“No, no, Helena, we’re fine.” She put a hand on the girl’s shoulder and urged her to move, “Let’s go.”

Alison was reaching out again but didn’t touch her, she just begged to Beth’s shoulder blades. “Beth, please, you don’t understand. Rachel runs the team, I can’t be on her bad side. It’s my senior year, every minute I’m on the pitch counts.”

Beth’s lids slid shut as realization washed over her— Rachel held Alison’s future in her hands, her steel-tipped fingers could snatch Alison’s college prospects right out from under her. She shook her head and sighed, patting the top of Helena’s shoulders with both hands, “Go on, Helena, I’ll catch up.”

With the quiet girl gone, Beth finally turned to face Alison. They locked eyes for a moment before Beth spoke, quiet. “I should have realized, I’m sorry.”

Alison licked her lips, “Don’t apologize, just tell me we’re okay.”

Beth nodded, tugging at the hem of Alison’s shirt, “Yeah, we’re good.” The smaller girl smiled and Beth rolled her eyes, “Doesn’t mean I like Rachel though.”

Alison laughed, “I don’t even like Rachel and she’s my best friend.”


	8. Chapter 8

Felix and Tony didn’t show up at their usual meeting spot after gym. When Beth rounded the corner with Helena and Alison in tow she found Delphine sitting against the bricks and Cosima and Sarah standing in silence on either side of her, sharing a joint. The blonde had a long arm slipped between Cosima’s legs, hugging one, her hand cupping the short teen’s kneecap. She waved at them in greeting, her cigarette snug between two knuckles.

Sarah left the joint hanging between her lips, squinting against the smoke trailing into her eyes. “Oi, what’s she doing here?” She gestured angrily in Alison’s direction.

“She’s with me, Sarah.” Beth positioned herself between them, shielding Alison from the brunt of Sarah’s gruff attitude with a strong shoulder.

“Nah,” Sarah took an extra-long drag off the joint, stepping forward towards them, ripping the thing from her lips and holding it out behind her for Cosima. “She’s not with you, Beth, she’s with Rachel.” When the dreadlocked girl took it, Sarah stuffed her fists in her hoody pockets. “You’re new around here so you don’t know how this plays out.” She pulled out a hand momentarily to gesture at Alison, “You don’t know how far up Rachel’s ass this—“

“You really want to fuck up more shit today? Haven’t you done enough?” Beth asked. The punk’s eyebrows rose and her shoulders slanted, begging her to continue, but Beth didn’t have the energy to fight. Her voice dropped to a whisper— “You’re a goddamn wrecking ball, Sarah.” Beth could feel Helena shifting uneasily behind her. She counted down the seconds that spanned between them, waiting for the inevitable blow.

“Has anyone even seen Tony or Felix?” Cosima’s tone entreating, asking Sarah to relax, to back down. She looked between their faces. Beth shook her head solemnly.

Sarah clenched her jaw and turned, shaking her head and taking the dwindling joint from between Cosima’s outstretched fingers. She grunted, “They’re probably off shagging.”

“I don’t think so, Tony looked pretty upset.” Delphine said.

“Whatever...fucking pussy,” the punk gruffed, spitting into the grass, “they’ll turn up.”

***

Beth was relieved when Mrs. Cormier told the class they’d have the period to talk freely— as long as they used only French. She turned to Delphine and spoke, her tongue curling easily around the words, “What is going on today? It seems like things are falling apart.”

Delphine shrugged, chewing on her lip, “The stress is making me crazy.”

“Do you think Tony is okay?”

The blonde’s fingers tangled in her fluffy mane, shaking her hair out by the roots, “I honestly don’t know. I have never seen him that way, he’s usually so light-hearted.”

Beth sighed and dropped back in her chair, slouching down. “Do you think Sarah is really mad at me?”

“I would not worry about Sarah, she’s quick to anger but she’ll calm down. Rachel is a bit of a sore spot for her.” Delphine said, reaching across the aisle to give Beth’s arm a comforting squeeze.

“I can’t say I’m surprised, her lip hasn’t even healed yet, I can’t imagine her pride has.”

Delphine’s eyes widened, “Oh, there was little pride involved in that fight.” She frowned, “It was…not pretty.”

“What happened?”

“Sarah was…Sarah.” Delphine offered in explanation, shrugging. “Ive been here two years and they’ve been feuding longer than that. Cosima and Sarah have been friends their whole lives and Cosima doesn’t even know what started the two of them at each other’s throats.”

Beth sighed and ran a hand down her face. “I shouldn’t have invited Alison.”

“Maybe not, but if it wasn’t Alison it would have been something else. She knows she messed up with Tony…she just needs something to be angry about.” Delphine offered a consoling smile, “Sarah understands anger.” After a few moments of silence she spoke again, quiet but sure, “Cosima and Sarah have spats all of the time. You are an easy target, Beth, you are new. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don’t worry about it.” She tilted her head, “And do not let Sarah’s bitterness taint your feelings for Alison.”

They walked out together when the bell rang. Beth, absorbed in conversation with the tall girl, nearly ran face first into Alison who was standing like a statue outside of the classroom. She stumbled back, “A-Alison, hey.”

Delphine laid a hand on her shoulder and ducked her head to whisper in Beth’s ear, “amertume,” she reminded. The blonde walked off, following their regular route towards the library, “I’ll make up an excuse for you, go,” she threw over her shoulder. Beth and Alison watched her leave.

Beth finally cleared her throat, “I’m sorry about Sarah.”

“Don’t be,” Alison gave a tiny smile, shrugging one shoulder. “I deal with the same thing on my end. If you think Rachel is wound up over you, you should hear her go on about Sarah.”

Beth snorted, “Yeah.”

They stood that way for a few moments: Beth with her hands dug in her pockets, shoulders around her ears, and Alison clutching her books in front of her chest. Alison was the first to break the silence, “Are we still on for our date on Friday?”

Beth gave a smirk, turning to bump hips with the other girl, “If you want.”

Alison smiled and nodded, “I do.”

“Good, me too.”

They walked along in companionable silence, going no where in particular. The hallways were a dangerous rush of loud students, desperate to feel the sun on their skin after a day cooped up. The energy pulsed off each and every teen as they brushed past.

“So…” Beth dodged out of the way of a boy pushing between them before falling back in step next to Alison, “what do you usually do Wednesdays after school?”

Alison pressed her lips together, “I have practice.”

“Soccer or theatre?”

“Soccer.” They broke away from the crowd, Beth recognized their trajectory, they were nearing the gym. “Do you want to come?”

Beth bit her lip, “I don’t know if that’s such a great idea. Maybe it’s better if Rachel doesn’t see us together.”

Alison stopped at the entrance to the gym, leaning inside to find it empty. She let out a sigh and turned back to Beth, a hand reaching out to tangle their fingers, “I don’t want Rachel to come between us.” Beth blinked, looking down at the mess of digits. She opened her mouth to respond, but Alison was already speaking again, “Rachel is complicated, Beth. You just don’t know her like I do.”

“And you think she’ll understand?” Beth squeezed Alison’s hand gently, “You think she’ll be fine with the two of us seeing each other?”

It was Alison’s turn to smirk, “Seeing each other? We’ll see how Friday goes, Hot Shot. Don’t get cocky.”

Beth laughed, pushing Alison’s hand away, “You jerk!”

***

Lunch the next day wasn’t awkward like Beth expected, as a matter of fact, everyone seemed to be acting like Wednesday had never happened. Tony had his legs kicked over Felix’s lap, and the younger boy was buried in his phone— resting his wrists against Tony’s shins. Sarah was loud and obnoxious, but her tone held none of the spiteful fire that it had the day before; she was joking with Helena about something their foster mother had said that morning. Felix chimed in, leaning over Tony’s legs to throw a jab at Sarah with a wide, crooked grin on his face. Delphine held Cosima’s hips as the other girl balanced on her lap with her knees drawn up and both feet planted on the chair next to them. Cosima hugged her knees and rested her head on them, heavy dreads spilling down.

Beth felt herself lean into the moment, despite Sarah and Felix shouting over her, there was an odd peace to it that made her feel warm. She twisted her head to look at Alison’s table. The girl was seated next to Rachel, both held their shoulders stiff and proper. A girl Beth recognized from around school was engrossed in a story and Alison was rapt with attention, JFitz— Beth thought the girl went by— a swimmer.

She pulled her phone from her pocket and texted Alison, ‘Where do you find vests that puffy?’ She saw Alison glance down at her phone before shooting a glare her way. The small girl didn’t respond, just turned her attention back to JFitz.

‘I like it, I do. I was asking because I wanted to get one for myself.’

This time she earned a response: ‘Elizabeth Childs! Do not tease me!’

She laughed, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t help myself! You just look so gosh darn cute!’

Alison didn’t look over at her, just tugged at her earlobe. Beth thought she could see a blush creep across the other girl’s cheeks, but she wondered if it was the lighting playing tricks with her eyes.

“I can’t handle that many fucking twats at once, Fee.” Sarah groaned.

Felix just pursed his lips, “Well, Ms. S is going to be out, I’ve already invited everyone. So you’ll just have to deal.”

Sarah sighed, “Then I’m inviting people too. You’ll come, yeah? All of ya?” There was a chorus of affirmation from the group. Sarah swatted Beth’s thigh, “Beth?”

“Hmm?” Beth pulled her attention back to the table, “What?”

Sarah rolled her eyes, “Felix is having a party for all the drama kids. You’ve got to come, keep me from going mental, yeah?”

The drama kids. Beth turned her head again to glance in Alison’s direction, “Yeah, of course, I’ll be there.”

“Good.”

When Beth turned back to the group, Felix caught her eye. His lips were twisted in a knowing smirk, “Next Friday...opening night.”

***

History was dragging, Wallace was on another tangent, though Beth wasn’t sure what about. At least she had a seat next to Alison, the girl had been saving Beth a spot to her right every day. Alison’s jaw was hidden behind the collar of her down vest, she was scribbling notes furiously in a heavily decorated spiral notebook with a purple pen.

Beth chewed the corner of her lip with her canine, not bothering to fight her urge to watch Alison work; the other girl didn’t seem to notice her staring. Beth glanced at the clock, still half an hour left, Thursday was crawling by. The sun was out and a cool breeze beckoned her, calling _‘come outside, run.’_ She tried to occupy herself by drumming at the sides of her chair. She finally relented, digging into her pocket to find her phone.

‘Do you work tonight?’ Beth could hear Alison’s phone buzz, but she paid no mind, continuing with her notes.

’Do you want to come to the library after school? Or we could head to the pitch, kick around?’ Another buzz, this time Alison looked up and met her gaze. Beth smiled and sent a soccer ball emoji.

Alison squinted at her, mouthing ‘Beth!’ in warning and adjusting in her chair.

She fought back a chuckle and slipped her phone back in her pocket. It was only a few more minutes before the boredom settled over her again. She shifted in her seat to look at the clock again, groaning inwardly. Mr. Wallace’s monotonous voice droned on, Beth wondered how he ever became a teacher— he had the most lifeless voice she’d ever heard, every time he opened his mouth she instantly checked out.

She shifted her hips to get to her phone, ‘Alisoonnnnnn, I’m going to burst out of my skin. Talk to me!’

Alison’s phone was pressed against the metal bar holding her desk to her chair and it buzzed loudly. The noise broke Mr. Wallace from his trance and his eyes fell heavily on Alison.

“Ms. Hendrix. Your phone please.” He strode towards her, his hand out.

Beth slid her eyes shut, pulling her lips between her teeth and biting down. Fuck. She didn’t need to look at Alison to feel the girl’s angry eyes aimed at the side of her face.   
Her lids snapped open when Mr. Wallace’s bland voice said her name, “And Ms. Childs?” He had Alison’s phone in his hand, his gaze trained on the screen. “You wouldn’t happen to be the same Elizabeth Childs that is distracting Ms. Hendrix, would you?” He looked at her pointedly. She groaned and put her phone in his outstretched hand. “You can both get your phones after class.”

Beth offered Alison an apologetic smile, but Alison was having nothing of it, glaring harshly at her and somehow sitting up even straighter.

Class finally ended and their peers shuffled out, leaving Beth and Alison alone with Mr. Wallace. Beth leaned out of her chair to pick up her bag, watching Alison close her notebook and slip her pen down the spiral wire spine.

“Here you are, ladies.” Wallace walked down the aisle that separated them, “Please make sure you keep your conversations outside of this classroom from now on.” His eyes were trained on Beth, who was avoiding eye contact and trying to physically transform into the chair below her.

Alison nodded curtly and took both of their phones from his hand, standing and gathering her books in her arms. She glanced back at Beth before walking out the door. Beth jumped up, swinging her back pack over her shoulder and taking off after the girl, leaving Mr. Wallace behind.

“Ali, I’m really sorry.” Beth said, jogging to catch up with Alison’s power-walk pace.

The small teen huffed through tight lips, “You should be. I’ve never been in trouble before, Elizabeth. Never.”

“We didn’t get in trouble, he just took our phones for the period. He didn’t call the office or give us detention, it’s no big deal.”

Alison stopped so suddenly that Beth had to double back, a finger came flying at her, jabbing her in the chest, “It is a big deal to me, Beth.”

Beth held up her hands in surrender, “I’m sorry, really really sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?”

Alison finally read the texts she’d received in class and her thumbs danced across the screen. She looked up and caught Beth’s gaze, her eyes were still angry but her jaw was finally relaxing. She handed Beth her phone and it started to buzz the second it hit her palm.

‘Take me to the pitch.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some telling stuff happens in this chapter and there is a bit of commentary over on tumblr (saint11icarus) if you have an interest in hearing my thoughts.


	9. Chapter 9

Alison was skipping class for the first time in her life. “Oh, come on!” She had tackled Beth three times in the span of half an hour, the final was a dirty tackle if Beth had ever seen one. “Jesus Christ, Alison! You’re going to kill me!” She scrambled off the grass, jogging after Alison, hobbling through the first few paces as she rolled her ankle to ease the pain. “You weren’t even looking at the ball!”

Alison glanced over her shoulder and, seeing that Beth was far behind, turned to face her pulling the ball back with each step instead of pushing it forward. “You deserve it.” They could hear the final school-bell ring faintly in the distance.

“How many times to I have to apologize?” Beth groaned to herself, closing her eyes and taking off as fast as she could after Alison.

The other girl barely had time to react, her eyes growing wide as Beth barreled in her direction. She spun quickly, catching the ball with her laces and kicking it forward, maintaining pace with it. She tried to increase the distance, but Beth was pressing fast. Within moments she felt the brunettes arms around her middle, stopping short and pulling her back, twisting until Alison slid to the ground. She sputtered with anger, fists balling in Beth’s t-shirt. She linked her heel around the back of Beth’s leg and pulled forcefully, dragging the other girl down with her.

Beth landed heavily over Alison, both of them grunting with the impact. She moved to get her arms under her, but Alison was already pushing her off. Beth spun into the grass and let herself flop onto her back, glancing over at Alison who was up on her elbows, glaring furiously. “Paybacks,” Beth shrugged.

“You owe me,” Alison said, reaching out with a foot to kick at her thigh.

Beth sat up on her elbows, “Yeah?” She smirked, “What do you want?”

Alison chewed her lip, looking around the pitch while she thought. “I want you to volunteer for the lighting crew on the Spring musical.”

“No way!” Beth laughed, “Not a chance.”

Alison was already shaking her head furiously, “You owe me, Beth.”

Beth opened her mouth to speak around another chuckle but was cut off by Rachel Duncan’s sharp voice slicing across the grass, “Alison!” They craned their necks to look to the parking lot, Rachel stood at the edge of the grass in high heels.

Alison started to stand but Beth reached out to grab her arm, stopping the girl short and throwing her off balance; she reached out to catch herself, her hand falling on the opposite side of Beth’s torso. Suddenly they were nose to nose. “Hey, just stay, she can’t come get you in those shoes.” Beth finally earned a laugh, her gaze darting between Alison’s eyes and lips.

Alison looked down at her with a glittering smile and dipped her head to kiss Beth’s cheek. “We’ve got to go over the practice schedule for next week. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She got her feet under her and pushed off with her arms, standing and running to meet Rachel.

Beth dropped back onto the grass, covering her eyes against the sun with her forearms.

***

Cosima pulled the rubber band of their wooden car model taut, twisting it around a pencil. She cleared her throat against the back of her wrist before hooking the rubber band into place. “Beth?”

Beth jerked up from her phone, “Yeah?”

“Can you pass me the,” the word escaped her, so she flung her hand around at the wrist, gesturing emphatically towards their worksheets, “the…fuckin’…that!”

“The packet?” Beth passed it to her.

“Yes,” Cosima smiled, “thank you.”

Beth watched Cosima record some information from their last run of the experiment. “What are we learning?”

“Nothing we couldn’t extrapolate using common-freaking-sense.”

“Mmm,” Beth hummed, glancing back down to her phone. “Did you see this video?” She tilted in her chair to show Cosima the clip— the camera man dropped a slice of cheese on his cat’s head.

Cosima chuckled and went back to their car. “I reblogged it last night, what, you didn’t see?”

“I was busy last night.” Beth shrugged, scrolling down her dashboard.

Cosima’s eyebrows were nearly touching her hairline when she turned to look at Beth, “Oh yeah? What were you doing?”

“Huh?” Beth’s own eyebrows mirrored Cosima’s.

“What were you doing last night?” Cosima led her patiently.

Beth’s face twisted and she shrugged, “I don’t know, I went for a run and then took a shower.”

Cosima released their car again and they watched it drive off the edge of the table. “Oh, you said you were busy,” the dreadlocked teen shrugged, “I thought you meant like…busy.” She grinned. “You know?” Beth cocked her head in confusion and Cosima rolled her hips lewdly in her chair, “You know?! Wasn’t your date last night?” She smacked at Beth’s arm.

Beth blinked furiously, reaching out with a hand to still Cosima’s hips, “No! Not that. Just a run and a shower and then some microwavable mac and cheese for dinner and then bed. And the date is tonight, anyway.”

“Oh man, Beth, you need to get laid. Like seriously, lighten up.” Cosima twitched her nose and fiddled with the metal ring pierced through her left nostril. “Aim for the stars tonight, no joke. You and Alison are both so…” she jerked her arms around stiffly, like a robot, mocking them.

Beth huffed through her nose, bit the inside of her cheek, and continued thumbing through her dash. A robot? She’d been called worse.

***

“Hey, Felix, wait up!” Beth jogged through the commons area after spotting the boy, having to push her way through the crowd of milling students finally out of class for the weekend.

“Beth, to what do I owe this great honor?” He had his back to his locker, his eyes never leaving his phone.

“You’re in the Spring musical, right?” She shifted her bag nervously to her other shoulder.

He finally looked up at her through heavy eye-liner, “Yeah. Why?”

“Do you guys still need help? On the crew, I mean?”

He arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow, plush lips pursing. “Well, well, well. I guess Alison Hendrix isn’t the only smitten kitten around town, is she?”

“What are you talking about?” Beth inched closer to him.

His smirk was devilish, “Oh, nothing. Little Miss Muffet just spent all of last week hounding me for information about you.” He let out a laugh, “Tell me, is there a love connection?”

Beth blinked and looked around, hoping to find anything other than Felix’s eager eyes. “No, I don’t know, maybe. Look, she said you guys needed help with lighting, I just…” she shrugged, “I thought I’d offer.”

He huffed, cocking his hip. His voice was resigned when he finally answered her, “Yeah, we do.” And then, “Are you afraid of heights?” She shook her head. 

Suddenly he had her hand in his, dragging her through the school. When they pushed through to the auditorium he let her go, walking briskly down the aisle and bounding up onto the stage. Beth followed, trailing a bit behind; by the time she caught up with him he was center stage, neck craned straight up.

She stopped at his side and followed his gaze, there was a large grid above them, out of view of the audience, and the thing was covered with a net of thin steel cables. “What’s that?”

“Your new job.” He said. “Let me introduce you to your boss,” and he was off. What had she gotten herself into? She shook her head and held her backpack strap tighter, following after him.

Eric, the lighting designer, was a portly boy with coarse, straw blonde hair. He was patient with her, and eager to have someone who was not Greg Porch helping him. They walked along the catwalk while he pointed out equipment. “The instruments are all back here, ellipsoidals, PARs, fresnels, all that.”

He stepped onto the grid with Beth in tow and made his way over to a pile of disorganized metal squares stacked in a toppled pile. As his steps got closer the pile started to shift and wobble with the flexing movement of the cables, Beth could see how nothing stayed in neat stacks for long. “Over here are the gobos and gels, you’ll slide them into the instrument housing.” Eric grabbed a metal square the size of his hand, the middle was cut out and covered with a thick blue film. He knelt next to an intimidating looking light and pointed to the slot in front of the lamp, “They go in here,” he slipped the square into place, “These gels change the color of the lights,” he flipped the thing on to demonstrate and a beam of hard blue light streamed from it, illuminating a small area of the stage. 

Beth was trying to listen to him, she really was, but she was busy shifting her weight over the mesh— it was like standing on air twenty feet above the stage with nothing to hold for balance. She loved it.

“You try.” He pointed towards the metal squares, “The gobos are patterns.” Beth picked one up, there was an X cut out of the center of the plate. Eric pulled the blue gel from the lantern and gestured to the gobo she held in her hand. She knelt next to him and slid it in the same way he had inserted the gel; down on the stage a bright white X was painted across the ground.

He flipped off the light and sat down fully, throwing his legs out in front of him, his heels bouncing against the mesh. “You’ll be part of the running team, which means you’ll be up here during the show. You’ll help me hang the instruments before the show, hit the lighting cues during performances, and clean up after.” He shrugged, “You won’t be alone, I’ll be helping you.”

Eric pointed towards the front of the stage, “That is the fly system, those pipes don’t move like these ones do,” he slapped at the metal pole holding up the light they’d been experimenting with. “I’ve already hung the instruments that are supposed to be there, so we’ll just have to turn them on and off as needed.” He made eye contact, “You getting all this?”

She rubbed her hand against the back of her neck, “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think so.” She stood again and bounced on the balls of her feet, the netting bowing and springing under her. “This is pretty cool,” she said, gesturing. 

He chuckled, “It’s just a tension grid, trust me, the novelty wears off pretty quickly. Come on, let’s start hanging.”

It took both of them working together to get the job done, he explained the anatomy of the lantern housing with the same passion that Cosima spoke about DNA and the universe. Beth was less than thrilled by the subject matter, but Eric’s excitement was entertaining and kept her interested in the work.

“Don’t let go until the c-clamp is tightened all the way and you’ve got the safety cable attached to the batten.” He said, twisting the clamp tighter.

Beth looked straight down to the stage, she could see Alison deep in conversation with another actress. She wondered if Alison knew she was standing over her head, nothing but air between them.

Eric flipped the switch and let out a groan when the light didn’t turn on, “This lamp is out, I’ll be back.” Beth felt the net shift under her feet as his weight moved away.

When she was alone she made sure the safety cable was in place and let go of the instrument. She walked to the front of the stage where Alison was standing and dropped to her knees, threading her fingers through the steel mesh. Alison’s ponytail was bobbing as she spoke, and she was pointing stiffly to different marks on the stage. Beth cocked her head and watched, Alison didn’t look as at home here as she did on the pitch, but her frenetic movements were endearing nonetheless.

Eventually the other actress was called away and Alison was left standing alone, arms crossed, her dark brown eyes scanning the empty auditorium seats. “Alison,” Beth hissed down at her.

The girl’s head jerked up, “Beth?!” A glimmer of recognition crossed her face. “You volunteered?”

Beth shrugged and grinned, “I owed you.” She reached over to a wash light hanging from the fly system and flipped it on, dousing Alison in diffused white light.

Alison squinted into the beam and her smile grew until her tongue pressed forward against the gaps in it and the light under Beth’s hand caught shine against her eye-teeth.

***

Beth waited for Alison on the steps of the school after rehearsal. She scrunched her knees up to her chest and tugged at bits of rubber that were peeling off her Chucks, brushing her knuckles against the rough concrete beneath her. She could almost feel the bones shifting under her skin. She was nervous. She wanted a drink.

It was almost half an hour before she heard the recognizable cadence of Alison’s footfalls and suddenly the small teen was behind her, her knees pressing into the backs of Beth’s shoulders. Beth smiled and leaned against Alison’s legs, dropping her head back to rest on the girl’s thighs. “You ready to go?” Alison asked, reaching down to flick the tip of her nose.

“Yeah,” Beth dodged Alison’s finger and stood, brushing off the seat of her jeans. “You have to drive though, I uh…” she shrugged, “I don’t have a license.”

Alison pulled her keys from her pocket, holding them up with a finger through the metal ring, jangling them with a smile. “No problem. You don’t know where we’re going anyway.”

“Yeah, about that,” Beth gestured to her clothes, “am I good?”

Alison’s eyes lingered too long on Beth’s short-sleeve Montreal Impact t-shirt, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. She tugged Beth backwards towards the car by her wrist, still taking in the deep blue logo, before turning to face forward— still pulling her along. “I think I have a spare hoody in my car.”

Beth chuckled, “Outside? Where are we going? It’s supposed to get cold tonight.” Alison’s grip on her wrist could have kept her warm.

“Yes, it is, and that’s why you are borrowing my hoody.” Alison stopped at her junker, waggling her eyebrows and twisting the key in the trunk lock. She gestured for Beth to throw her backpack in and set her school supplies in as well. She slammed the trunk, making her way to the driver’s side door and unlocking it. Alison slid in the car and reached across the console to open the passenger’s door. “Sorry my car is a bit of a wreck,” she said.

Beth sat down, looking around at the interior, “I have _no_ car, so…this isn’t so bad.” She grinned. It was the cleanest piece of shit Beth had ever seen: the dashboard was dust free and there were no wrappers at her feet. Though the burn marks in the maroon seats and rips in the upholstered ceiling hinted at the car’s age. The station wagon grumbled to life when Alison turned the key, she reached an arm out quickly to change the music, her thin fingers fumbling at the cd changer. Beth thought she recognized the song, but she couldn’t place it in the two seconds it took for Alison to successfully navigate to another cd.

“Uh, sorry. Sorry.”

Beth furrowed her brow. “It’s cool, whatever.”

Alison swallowed down whatever was caught in her throat, coughing around an excess of saliva, “What kind of music do you listen to? Do you mind Lorde?”

Beth shrugged, looking out the window as they pulled out of the parking lot. “Lorde is cool. She’s a little weird but…in a good way. You know?” She flashed Alison a smile. “I listen to a lot of old stuff, old rap, some newer underground stuff too.”

“Old rap?” Alison glanced over to give Beth an incredulous look before quickly returning her attention to the road, “I don’t know many people who listen to ‘old rap’.”

Beth toothed at her smile, watching the cars pass, “Yeah, well. Maybe I’m weird.”

“In a good way.” Alison said, nodding surely.

Beth hadn’t been living in Toronto long enough to recognize their surroundings, but she was relatively certain they were driving towards Lake Ontario. “The coast?” She asked.

Alison’s face split in a wide smile, “Nearby, yes.”

“It’s too cold to swim, Alison.”

“We’ll be swimming in a sea, not a lake.”

Beth’s eyes narrowed, “A sea?”

“A sea of red,” Alison turned to look at Beth, the apples of her cheeks rosy with excitement.

They drove with the flow of traffic, hundreds of cars moving as one steel stampede. In the distance, glinting in the setting sun, she could see it. “BMO Field?” As realization dawned Beth twisted in her seat until her face was just next to Alison shoulder, “A sea of red? You’re taking me to the Toronto-SKC game?!”

Alison was bouncing in her seat, nodding furiously with her bottom lip fast between her teeth, “Okay first date?”

Beth couldn’t have suppressed her elated squeal if she wanted to, “Holy shit, Alison, how did you get tickets?”

“My parents get me season tickets every year, as an early birthday present.” They followed a row of cars splitting off into the season ticket holders’ parking lot, “I’m kind of an obnoxiously huge Toronto FC fan.” Her eyes dipped to Beth’s chest, to the dark blue Montreal Impact shirt she wore. “Good thing I have an appropriate hoody to—“ she waved a hand, “hide your shame.”

“Oh no,” Beth shook her head, “I am not wearing a TFC hoody. I bleed blue, girlfriend.”

“You’re wearing it. I can’t be seen with you in that, I know these people Beth.” She pulled into an empty stall and reached into the back seat, producing a red hoody with the large Toronto FC shield emblazoned on it.

Beth laughed, threatened, “I will loudly root for Kansas City if you make me wear that thing.”

“You will not, Elizabeth— put it on.” She shoved it into Beth’s arms and opened the door, climbing out.

Beth clambered clumsily, trying to pull the sweat shirt over her head and get out of the car at the same time. Alison’s knuckles were warm against her when she rounded the car and caught the hem of the hoody, pulling it down. Beth sputtered loose strands of hair from between her lips when her head popped through the hole. Alison was all teeth and shining eyes when she reached up to pull Beth’s hair elastic from around her ruined ponytail. Beth grinned and ran her fingers through her messy hair, pulling it back and holding a hand out for the band.

“No, keep it down,” Alison’s tongue poked out and she pushed the thing in her pocket.

“Ali!” Beth let go of her hair and reached for the shorter girl, “Give it, it’s going to get windy.” Alison dodged out of the way and ran for the stadium. Beth easily followed and the two of them fought playfully until Beth caught Alison around the middle and hauled her back, spun her to a stop. Her hand pressed into a too tight jeans pocket, skin scrunching up around her knuckles; she managed to hook a finger around the band and pull it out.

Alison pouted and swatted at her, walking off towards the growing line of fans.

“S-K-C. S-K-C. S-K-C.” Beth chanted, falling in step at Alison’s hip, marching to the familiar drumbeat in her head as she twisted the elastic around her hair. “Oof!” Alison’s hand was merciless when it swung back and caught her in the solar plexus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S-K-C! S-K-C! S-K-C! A whole fanfic about soccer? I had to get my team in here somehow.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This update contains two flashbacks to sexual situations in that shady dub-con area, skip it if that kind of thing makes you uncomfortable. They're a bit more aggressive than the last one, though neither are worthy of an M rating in my opinion (if you disagree, let me know and I'll bump it up). If you’re looking to avoid the flashbacks they’re in italics and both take place in the lunchroom (the scene following Beth and Cosima’s playground hang-out).

There was a contingent of Sporting Kansas City fans in the stands across the pitch from them. They had fans everywhere, Beth thought. Alison was engaged in conversation with someone behind them, someone she knew from seasons past. They were light and amicable, but Alison was still Alison— brief. The air was cooling off, the sun taking the last rays of warmth with it as it dipped below the horizon. The players were taking the field to a steady beat of pounding drums, Beth clapped along. There was nothing as exciting as a soccer game, the atmosphere was indescribable.

She could feel the rumbling in her chest as feet stomped along, her ears rang with the force of fans’ singing. Alison’s voice shook her left eardrum as she screamed along, it started slow and built quickly, the stands shaking under their feet:

“Oh when the reds, go marching in,  
Oh when the reds go marching in,  
I wanna beeeeee in that number,  
Oh when the reds go marching in!”

Beth couldn’t help it, she jumped along with the beat. The crowd roared when Toronto gained possession of the ball immediately, pushing hard upfield. “And Bradley is on the move, passing to Gilberto. Besler dispossesses.” The announcer said, though Beth could barely hear him over the constant singing.

The first half was rapid fire, neither team maintaining possession for long, ending in an even 50-50 split. 0-0, with one yellow card rewarded to Sporting Kansas City’s spitfire forward Dom Dwyer. The temperature had plummeted and the spring night brought a cold wind that whipped through the stands with a vengeance. Alison and Beth sat huddled, seated for the first time since they’d arrived. Alison had an arm twined around Beth’s, forcing the taller girl’s hand to rest against her thighs.

“Steven Caldwell is playing like shit tonight,” Beth jabbed, leaning into Alison’s shoulder.

Alison squeezed the arm she held captive, “Don’t act like you have love for Kansas City just to spite me. Caldwell is playing just fine.”

Beth laughed, “Just fine?” She threw her free arm out towards the pitch, “Is that what you call that? Just fine?” She flung herself back into her chair, her tone turning matter-of-fact, “Your captain is mediocre.”

Alison released her arm and shoved at her shoulder, “And Patrice Bernier is the best captain on the planet? He’s ancient.”

“He’s a year older than Caldwell! And don’t rag on Bernie, he’s proudly plays for country. Show some respect.”

“You play for country and I still make fun of you.”

“I don’t wear red anymore,” Beth laughed, her hand finding Alison’s knee and squeezing the place where it met her thigh.

“You’re wearing red right now!” Alison flailed, her hands gripped Beth’s wrist, trying to escape, “Do not tickle me, Elizabeth Childs!” She squealed, squirming in the cramped chair. She sucked in a breath, fighting her spasming lungs, “Caldwell plays for country, too!”

“Yeah, the wrong one!” Beth laughed and tightened her fingers against the spot. She reached over with her other hand to pry Alison’s clenching fingers from her wrist, but Alison promptly let go. She grabbed the newly-in-reach arm instead and tugged it across her body until Beth was fully in her space, hip digging into the plastic armrest between them.

They blinked at the sudden closeness, all laughter forgotten, Alison’s eyes darted down to Beth’s parted lips. “Can I kiss you?” Her eyes moved back up to make contact, looking for any sign of affirmation.

Beth nodded slightly, her jaw slack and breath coming out in small puffs that collided with Alison’s own foggy exhales. Alison’s nose was cold where it brushed against the side of Beth’s, but her lips were warm and shy. Beth’s head swam with the gentle heat of Alison’s mouth, she pulled back for a moment but when Alison’s jaw followed her she smiled and leaned forward, kissing the girl again— more firmly.

The crowd stood around them, cheering loudly. Beth could have sworn it was for them, that the booming bass drums and skittering snares were applauding their cautiously exploratory lips. They met once more before their smiles became a hindrance, unable to loosen their mouths enough to do much more than bump teeth and noses.

Beth took a deep inhale, unsteadily rocked around her lungs by her pounding heart, “And Caldwell hasn’t capped for Scotland since 2011, don’t think you’re getting away with tricking me.”

Alison bit her smile and stood quickly, forcing Beth back into her own chair, clapping and hooting with the rest of the fans. Beth laughed and stood, clapping and stomping along, singing to the French call-and-response:

“Qu’est-ce que vous chantez?”

“Nous chantons, les rouges, allez!” She screamed.

“Qu’est-ce que vous chantez?”

Alison joined in, “Nous chantons, les rouges, allez!”

“Qu’est-ce que vous chantez?”

“Nous chantons, les rouges, allez!” Beth felt Alison’s cool fingers fill the spaces between her own, she held on tight.

“Qu’est-ce que vous chantez?”

“Nous chantons, les rouges, allez!”

They jumped up and down, shouting in time when the crowd sang as one, “La la la la, lalalalalalala! La la la la, lalalalalalala!” Beth had never rooted so hard for a team in her life.

After forty-five minutes of shy glances and wide smiles, it was a 2-1 loss. Benny Feilhaber’s 86th minute goal won the match for Sporting Kansas City— the small patch of blue in an overwhelmingly red sea of shirts went nuts.

***

A knock roused Beth from her spot on the couch. Her dad looked over to her, “Are you expecting someone?”

She shook her head and looked out through the peephole to see winged liner behind cat-eye glasses, staring back at her. She chuckled and cracked the door, “We don’t want any, leave now.”

Cosima pushed inside, “I just wanted to know how your date went the other night.”

Beth’s dad gave her a surprised look, “A date?”

She just shrugged, Cosima looked like she wanted to eat her words, “No big deal, Dad, it wasn’t anything serious.”

He glanced over his shoulder at his book resting on the coffee table, it’s worn cover and broken spine a testament to his struggle.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” she said, hopping on one foot to pull her shoe on.

He checked his watch, “Don’t stay out too late, you have school in the morning.”

They slid out the door and Beth locked it behind them.

“So sorry, dude.” Cosima shook her head, waving her hands, “I didn’t realize it was, like, a secret tryst or whatever.”

“It wasn’t a secret tryst,” Beth laughed, leading them out of the building and down the small flight of concrete stairs into the night air. It was considerably warmer than it’d been Friday night. “She took me to the soccer match.”

“The soccer match? Like, professional soccer?” Cosima sounded impressed.

“Yeah,” Beth nodded, “it was incredible.”

The dreadlocked teen bumped her hip into Beth, “Rock on. Did she earn a smooch?”

Beth could feel the warmth creeping up her collar, she sucked against her teeth, “She did.”

Cosima was a flurry of dancing movement, spinning on a planted foot, “Get it girl!”

Beth laughed and shoved her off balance. “What about you, weren’t you and Delphine doing something tonight?”

She cleared her throat and nodded broadly, “Uh, yeah… I just left her place. I was on my way home…”

“Yeah?”

Cosima’s shoulders were tight around her ears, her fists balled in her pockets, “Yeah.”

“Nothing to spill about?” Beth pressed.

The tattooed girl shrugged, taking in their surroundings with focused golden eyes, “I guess not.”

They walked to the park— the park Beth and Alison had spent an hour in only five days before, it felt like so long ago. Cosima flopped down onto a swing, pulling out a joint and sparking it. “You smoking tonight, Beth?” She said, holding her breath around a lungful of smoke. Beth moved under the monkey bars and shook her head, jumping up and grabbing one. “Suit yourself,” Cosima coughed out a plume of smoke that caught with a passing breeze. She kicked out her feet and leaned back, holding tight to the swing’s chains.

Beth folded up her legs, letting go once the bar was under the backs of her knees. Cosima was swinging higher and higher; Beth watched her, hanging upside down with a hand on her stomach to stop her the hem of her shirt from falling down. Smoke was drifting in clouds through the thin air, puffing into the black velvet night. Her sobriety chip fell from her pocket. It landing face up in the wood chips, staring at her- 1 month. Beth took a deep breath, reaching an arm down towards it— impossibly far away. She closed her eyes.

“I’m an alcoholic.”

Beth could hear the steady creaking of the swing set slow, could hear Cosima’s shoes dragging through the wood chips. She squeezed her eyes shut tighter, she wasn’t sure if she could stand the look on Cosima’s face.

Her voice cracked when she finally spoke, “Wow dude, that’s complex…” After an eternity of silence the squeak of metal started again, Beth’s lids fluttered open to see Cosima’s legs pumping. The teen’s voice came from high in the air, tight and clipped words, almost uncomfortable, “But you really don’t have to expla—”

“I’m five weeks sober,” Beth whispered, “tonight.”

***

If there was one thing her friends were good at, it was pretending that nothing bad or unusual ever happened. Cosima was her usual self, tilted head, broad smile. She said nothing about their conversation in the park the night before, just traded pop-quizzes with Beth in calculus, traded lunches with her in the cafeteria.

Alison’s hand was cool against Beth’s neck when the shorter girl passed by on the way to her table. She stopped and dipped her head to brush wordless lips against Beth’s cheek, fingertips dragging across her throat when she pulled away. Beth wondered where the girl’s shy stiffness had gone, then realized it was buried in the blush moving up her own cheeks. When had that happened?

Felix cat-called, Tony shoved, and even Sarah smiled.

Helena was a mirror image of her sister, spoon halfway to her mouth, the left corner of her lips drawn up. “You like Alison, Beth?”

“Yes, Beth, tell us how you feel about Alison,” Delphine joined in on the fun.

Beth covered her reddening face with her palms, splaying her fingers over her eyes, peeking out from between them at the crowd of teasing grins. “Fuck every single one of you,” she laughed.

In the space between her middle and ring finger she could just make out Sarah, leaning back in her chair, her tongue gliding against her teeth, gaze moving into the distance over Beth’s shoulder. She knew without looking where the red-brown irises were settled. She could feel Rachel Duncan’s presence from across the room, the power that rolled through Sarah’s shoulders at the sight of the girl. She could have sworn she saw the punk’s right lid drop in a wink, left hand traveling to rub at a brutal and bloodied bruise on her throat.

Beth swallowed back the flash of recognition she felt when she saw Sarah’s expression. It was the same look Angela DeAngelis had given her that night, the night she’d left the party held in her honor, her car keys jingling with each stumbling step.

_“How’s the knee feeling?” It was the same question she asked every time they faced each other. The nearly career-ending tackle from two years before hung between them— a pendulum, pushing and pulling them like the tides._

_“It’s great. How’s the ego?”_

_“A bit bruised, I won’t lie. It was a good game though, Champ. And this is an awfully nice shindig your crew’s pulled together for you.”_

_“Shove it up your ass, DeAngelis.” Beth smirked, the taste of the championship win still sweet on her tongue, mixed solidly with the heavy weight of Canadian whisky. “They don’t have a party for the losers?”_

_The tall girl was spread casually over the hood of Beth’s black Trans Am, resting back on her elbows, legs that went for miles crossed over the peak of a knee. Beth stopped when she hit the bumper, her fingers reaching out to graze the skin of Angie’s ankle. Paul’s voice was echoing in her head, his laugh, his hands. DeAngelis’ calf was strong under her hand when she gripped it, pulling the girl roughly down the hood._

_It was the smoothest motion Beth had ever seen— the way Angie uncrossed her legs. She pulled her until the tall girl’s skirt was bunched under her and they were pressed together with Angie’s high heels resting on the bumper on either side of Beth’s body. She thought about how impossibly cold the hood must be in the bitter darkness. DeAngelis had moved quickly to sit up, to grip Beth’s shirt with eager fingers. Beth wondered how long she’d been waiting for this._

_Angie’s hips were bucking under her hands, rolling desperately against her own still frame. One frantic hand released her shirt, gripping the back of Beth’s neck. DeAngelis kissed hard and pleading, like Beth would back away at any moment. And she had, she had pulled away, she’d stood back and taken in the sight of Angie, dark lipstick smeared and skirt riding up around her waist. Beth felt nothing but anger swell under the crumpled fabric of her shirt, hot from Angie’s sweating palms._

“Really though, how was your date?” Delphine pressed, snapping Beth from her memories.

Cosima spoke between shoveling pasta into her open mouth, “Beth kissed her.”

“She kissed me.” Beth finally slid her hands from her face.

“Semantics,” Tony said, waving his hand.

Felix shook his head, resting a hand on Tony’s chest, “It’s not semantics, Darling. Who kissed whom is very important.” He pointed first at Beth and then turned his finger on Delphine.

The blonde nodded sagely, “He’s right, it’s very important.”

Felix opened his hand, palm up in an offering gesture towards Beth.

“Well she kissed me.” Beth leaned her chair onto its back legs, balancing with her knees pulled up against the edge of the table. She turned her head to look at Alison. “What does that mean?” The short girl had her back to Beth, seated across from Rachel. They were talking over a thick, open binder; Rachel pointed out something and Alison took a pencil to the page. The blonde’s eyes caught Beth’s, her expression unreadable. Beth maintained eye contact for a moment before turning her attention back to the group.

“Well, it’s more than just who initiated.” Felix and Delphine began a discussion about the intricacies of kissing: type, timing, context, location. Cosima was distracted by the fabric of Delphine’s shirt under her fingertips. Beth couldn’t tear her eyes away from the path of the tattooed teen’s hand down Delphine’s side and thigh, doubling back to trace up the inseam of her jeans. She noticed the hitch of Delphine’s breathing, the flit of her long blonde lashes, though no one else seemed to. No one saw the slow spread of the smirk against Cosima’s teeth either, or the way she pressed her chin into Delphine’s shoulder to hide it, looking up at her with a spark of mischievous intent.

Beth’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment before she glanced Alison’s way again— she caught the girl staring. They locked gazes for a few beats. Beth wondered if Alison was thinking about their kiss, if she was thinking about doing it again. She had liked kissing Alison. She worried the inside of her cheek with her molars and turned back to her food, burying herself in her sandwich. Pale fingers slid a chip bag her way, Helena offering a tiny smile. Beth tried to return the gesture, but she could feel Alison’s eyes burning against her back.

_“You got something to say, Childs?” Angie’s voice had a tremble to it that Beth hadn’t heard from Yarmouth’s cocky captain before._

_She fished her keys from her back pocket, moving towards the door._

_“Beth?” There was that shake. Beth glanced over her shoulder to find DeAngelis’ dark eyes vulnerable under the harsh lamp post light._

_She just shook her head, exasperated, and pushed the key into the lock._

_“I guess the rumors are true then, eh?” Angie’s tone cut to the bone._

_Beth’s jaw tensed and her vision swam. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Angie sliding off the front of the car, adjusting her skirt. The tall girl, made taller by her slingback heels, said something else but Beth couldn’t make it out behind the pounding rush of blood in her ears. She squeezed her eyes against the sound of it, the heavy thud of her heartbeat. “You’re just a c—“_

_“Angie!” She roared, her eyes flung open and she rounded the car again, “Shut the fuck up.” She pushed DeAngelis forcefully back onto the hood of the car. With a shoe onto the bumper she hoisted her weight and pushed the rival player back. Moving over her, Beth pressed her scarred knee into Angie’s center, their lips meeting in a furious biting kiss. The whole time she could feel DeAngelis smiling into her mouth._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot is happening in this chapter, I talk about some of it over on tumblr (saint11icarus).
> 
> There is also a one-shot that goes with this chapter titled: CC Chapter 10. Please read the warnings in the chapter summary carefully before you dive head first into it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of soccer, but mostly: THE MUSICAL! The musical is a real musical— it’s called Bare: A Pop Opera, and it’s one of my favorites. The soundtrack is up on youtube as well as some grainy videos, I think, if you’re interested in singing along or watching the scenes unfold. If you want to check out just the songs in the fic itself those are (in order): “Role of a Lifetime”, “Spring”, and “One” before intermission, and after, “Pilgrim’s Hands” and the finale “One Voice”.

Tony and Sarah groaned loudly. Beth hooted and high-fived Alison who was wearing a small, but smug, smile.

“This is going to hurt,” Tony grunted.

A soccer ball rolled towards Alison’s feet and she flicked it up into her hands fluidly, “Prepare to get owned.” Her trash talk needed work, it came out awkward and without the necessary force.

Sarah growled at Ms. Riley, “You’re going to make us play against a bloody football god?!” She turned to Beth, “And what are you so excited about, she’s going to ruin our lives.”

“You can be the other captain,” Alison said, ignoring Sarah and tossing a red fishnet vest to Beth, draping a blue one over her shoulder. “Red looks good on you,” she tugged at her smile with straight teeth.

Beth snatched the blue vest from Alison’s shoulder, replacing it with the red— “It’ll look better on you than it ever did on me,” she muttered quietly, smirking at the blush flushing Alison’s cheeks, at the twitch at the corners of her lips. “I’m picking first,” Beth said, crooking a finger at the punk, “you want to be on the winning team, Sarah?”

Sarah grunted and walked to stand behind Beth, Helena on her heels. She tucked a strand of her unmanageable brown hair behind her ear and bent to fish two blue vests from the worn cardboard box at the captains’ feet. Alison’s jaw tensed and she looked like she was about to say something, but Beth pinched gently at her forearm and shook her head, gesturing to the rest of the kids.

“Molly and Margery,” Alison gave in and waved her varsity teammates forward.

Tony reached out and stopped Molly with an arm across her middle. “Excuse me, ya got bad hearing?” He swaggered up, flicking his nose and tilting his chin out to Beth, winking, “You’re screwed now, Childs.” He tugged his vest on, doing up the velcro and rolling his shoulders— tugging at it with his wide thumbs like it was the blazer of a sharp suit. Alison rolled her eyes and flopped her hands, defeated, to her sides.

“Molly,” Beth smirked.

Alison squinted at her, huffing, “Fine. Linda.” She poked her tongue out at Beth’s faux-offended expression.

“Michaela.”

“Alexander.”

“Frida.”

“Thomas.”

It didn’t take long for their squads to fill up, and they led the way out of the gym so they next pair of captains could pick their teams from the remaining pool of students.

They were quick to take the field, playing on an uneven grassy patch just outside the gym with cones set up to designate boundaries and goals. “I wish she’d just let us use the pitch,” Alison pouted.

“Well that wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the teams, would it?” Beth said, standing with Alison in the center of the make-shift field. “Fight you for it,” she nodded towards the ball.

Alison grinned and tossed it straight up, shoving Beth forcefully backwards before the ball even hit the grass. She caught it with her chest and went racing off, ball in tow.

Beth cursed under her breath and took off after her.

There may as well have been only them, no one else had the speed or endurance to keep up (Beth was certain both Molly and Margery could, but they seemed to have other ideas about what constituted a good time). Beth and Alison back-and-forthed for several minutes before the shorter girl gained the upper hand, shoving Beth back with her forearm and spinning away from her with the ball.

“I don’t think so, Ali.” Beth grabbed for the back of her mesh vest but it was just out of reach. She went for a tackle next, but Alison leapt over her easily and she slid to a stop in front of Sarah and Tony who hadn’t done much moving at all (just blue and red, sharing water and snark at midfield).

“Excellent work, Beth, really.” Sarah said down to her, arms crossed.

“A-plus.” Tony nodded, holding his fingers up in an ‘o-kay’.

“Fuck off,” Beth pushed herself to her feet and ran harder, catching up to Alison quickly.

Sarah toed the soft ground where her friend had just fallen. She shielded her eyes against the sun with a hand and watched Beth and Alison tussle for control for a beat before asking, “Am I the only one who finds this oddly arousing?”

“Nope,” Tony answered, taking a swig from his water bottle and passing it her way.

Beth had a palm pressed to Alison’s cheek, but the girl just spun away, “What’s the matter, Beth, didn’t get enough sleep?” She barked.

“I never do,” Beth growled to herself, digging deep. She finally managed to get her foot into Alison’s path, knocking the ball free. It bounced away— right to Helena’s feet.

The blonde glanced down at it, blinking. She looked back up to find Alison racing towards her and she quickly widened her stance in response. Alison pulled up, slowing to a trot at the imposing sight.

“Run, Helena!” Beth screamed, catching up and wrapping her arms around Alison’s middle digging her heels into the grass, pulling the teen to a stop with strong arms.

And run Helena did.

“No! With the ball!” Beth jumped up and down, laughing. An easy smile spread across Alison’s face, her fingers twining together with Beth’s, pressed against her stomach.

Helena turned on the spot, kicking the ball tentatively. Beth and Sarah whistled encouragement and Helena sucked her lower lip into her mouth, her eyes moving from Sarah to the ball. She took off with it, clumsy but fast in her rarely used sneakers, her parka fanning out behind her.

The goal keeper stepped left then right, his eyes growing wide at the sight of Helena stomping towards him. He gave up and stepped out of the way, hands up in surrender. Helena stopped several yards past the goal cones and turned, smiling wide, eyes dancing.

Tony, Sarah, Alison, and Beth cheered loudly, fists in the air.

***

“Release the doves,” Felix smiled, perfectly-arched brows high on his forehead, arms spread in awe at the four teens as they came around the corner.

Sarah’s laugh caught in her throat, one arm slung over Alison’s shoulder and the other over Helena’s. She spat in his direction, “Piss off.” She dropped the arm holding Alison to her and continued walking to stand by Felix, pulling a happy Helena along.

Beth stopped before they got close, tugging Alison back by their joined hands. Alison spun to a stop, facing Beth, “Yes?”

“Thanks, for giving Helena her moment in class.” Beth said seriously.

Alison shrugged, both shoulders rising and falling perfectly in sync, “It’s no big deal.”

Beth smirked, “Don’t lie, I could feel you fighting against it the whole time.”

Alison ducked her head to hide her telling grin, “Maybe.”

Beth lifted Alison’s jaw with her fingertips, pulling her forward with the pressure of them for a short, thankful kiss. She released Alison’s hand and walked around her to join the group. It took Alison several beats to open her eyes and shake her head clear before she turned to face the teens who were enjoying a laugh at her embarrassment.

“You guys are jerks,” She said, covering her furiously blushing face with both hands.

***

The week passed without incident. Beth sat in on soccer practices, despite Rachel’s wary eyes daring her to set foot on the pitch. She even grew to enjoy her time on the tension grid, seeing Alison move below her. Watching the other girl was quickly becoming a hobby and Beth found her affections growing.

She was excited for Felix’s party, counting down the hours until the curtain opened. Too slow, the hours turned to minutes. She slid around Eric to help him make a last minute adjustment to an instrument.

“Are you ready?” He asked, the nervousness evident in his voice.

She chuckled, “Are you?” He gave her an anxious smile and she rested a hand on his shoulder. “We got this, man. Just like rehearsals, right?”

“Yes, just make sure you hit the final cue better than you did at dress.”

She rolled her eyes, she’d been too distracted by Alison and Felix’s final notes to time the last pull of the fly system lights. “You got it, Boss.” Beth said as the curtain lifted.

The musical was entertaining, if tragic. Felix was a surprising force as the lead. His exaggerated motions, pretentious in the real world, were a perfect fit for the theatrics of the stage. Beth found herself growing to respect his art along with Alison’s.

He was cast in spotlight, standing alone. Felix had a beautiful singing voice that floated up through the grid, angelic, “You learn to play the straight man, your lines become routine, never really saying what you mean. But I know the scene will change, white picket fences and a dog, a trophy bride and children. God, I know that’s what he wants. But Jason, what role do I play, am I a savior or a phase? Am I here to damn you or to help you navigate this maze?”

He’d been the one to suggest the musical— it was about gay teens trapped at a Catholic boarding school. Beth thought the plot was a overdone and predictable, but the music was catchy and she liked watching her friends become absorbed in their roles. Felix’s character, Peter, was quiet and reserved and Alison’s was bullied for being promiscuous. At Beth’s first rehearsal she was rendered absolutely useless, she could barely stand she was so wracked with laughter. But with time, she’d come to know the characters and she’d even grown attached to them.

“Spring, a time for love, a time for two, a time when lovers start to coo. Spring can lick me!” Sarah Stubbs sang from her bed, stage left.

Alison pursed her lips, “Are you almost done with this pretty little ode? I’m trying to—“

Stubbs interrupted, loudly, “Spring! To spread the spirit I, rip wings off butterflies, then show small children.”

The scene continued to constant laughter from the audience. But Beth only had eyes for Alison, sprawled out on her own bed, canted away from Sarah’s. Her part wasn’t as big as some of the others, but essential to the plot— a catalyst to spark the fire that ignited the emotional climax.

And soon Alison was standing alone with Cal Morrison, Sarah’s ex-boyfriend, at center stage.

“But I meant all those things I told you,” she sang, “my feelings for you are real and I…just know I wouldn’t lie.”

“But why?” Cal sang.

Alison continued, “There’s something about you, Jason. I can’t put my finger on the why— but I’d like to try. I don’t know just what it is I’m doing here, when nothing’s clear.”

Cal moved closer and Alison led his shaking hands to rest on her waist, “You want me to kiss you, don’t you?” The tall boy sang, “Kiss you is what I’m supposed to do...”

“So, are you going to?”

“Am I?” He questioned.

Alison leaned her weight into him, resting her hands on his broad chest, “If you like me, kiss me, don’t stop. I want you, you see it in my eyes. I’ve tried, but it’s hard to hide.”

“Hide with me.” His eyes closed tightly, his face twisted beautifully.

“Chasing you is such a game of hide and seek,” She stood on her tip-toes to reach him better.

His voice sang behind her, lost and alone: “Lie with me, lie with me.”

Beth faded the lights as their lips met, as Alison pushed Cal back towards the bed and the music swelled. The audience cheered. The curtain closed. Intermission. She threaded her fingers through the mesh and looked down to watch them get ready to leave the stage. Alison craned her neck upwards and smiled, smacking Cal’s chest lightly with her hand. He followed her gaze and they gave Beth a thumbs up, she laughed quietly and returned the gesture. Alison waved for her to come down from the grid.

She bounded down the stairs leading from the catwalk and ran into Alison’s arms. The back of the shorter girl’s sweaty neck fit too comfortably in the crooks of her elbows, Alison’s arms were tight around her waist as her back bowed, lifting Beth off the ground. “You did so great,” she said between breathless kisses.

“Hey what about me?” Cal asked, slapping Beth on the back.

“Yes, what about us?” Felix walked up behind her, water bottles in his arms.

Beth laughed and reluctantly parted from Alison, “You were all fantastic.”

Cal and Alison took the offered water and drank long pulls. “Oh man, it’s so hot out there.” Cal pinched the front of his shirt and shook it, billowing air against his chest.

“Don’t even start,” Beth groaned, pointing up at the lights, “do you have any idea how much heat those things put off? I have to wear gloves so my skin doesn’t melt off.” Alison thumbed a bead of sweat from Beth’s temple.

“Cal is just toasty because he gets to make out with me,” Felix bumped hips with the straight boy.

Alison huffed, “Felix, you are not the only one who makes Cal…toasty.”

They turned on Cal for elaboration, but the teen just held up his hands, pleading. Beth leaned an arm on Alison’s shoulder and fixed him with a smirk, “Spill, Cal. Who’s the better kisser?”

He opened his mouth in protest but he was saved by their director, clapping her hands and telling them to get ready for Act II.

“Break a leg,” Beth chuckled and pecked Alison’s cheek before taking the catwalk steps two at a time.

She moved with practiced ease, a week of hitting the same instruments at the same time, swinging beams of light across the same actors hitting the same notes. It was a rhythm she knew well. Scene change after scene change, her marks were sure and movements precise.

“Okay, let’s run Pilgrim’s Hands.” A girl said below her. Beth thought the actor’s make up was pretty cool— it aged her thirty years and was realistic enough to make Beth do a double-take the first time she’d seen it.

She loved this scene.

“Ivy’s not here, Sister Chantelle.” Ivy was played by Alison, who was waiting in the wings.

“What? Wonderful. Who’s Juliet’s understudy?”

Beth turned on her heel and slid a gel into place, hand poised to flip the switch, aiming to hit the stage in precisely the right place. Felix stood, watching Aynsley pretend to fumble through lines as directed in the script— the real high school students played fictional high school students struggling through a rehearsal of Romeo and Juliet.

“Good Pilgrim…Good Pilgrim…” She faced Cal, gripping his hands in her own, “wait, I know it, I swear!” She steeled herself, “Good Pilgrim…”

Felix stepped forward and Aynsley retreated, Beth flipped the switch at the start of their motion— she bathed the boys in stunning blue light.

Felix reached for Cal’s hands longingly, but fell short as their fingers brushed. His voice was clear as he sang, seemingly forgetting the small crowd of students around them, “Good Pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this. For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch and palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.”

Another boy snickered, standing just beyond the action. The heavily made-up girl playing their teacher spoke sharply: “Zach, in Shakespeare’s time boys played all the parts, so I’ll thank you to keep your ignorance as hidden as possible—” she glared at him sharply over prop glasses, “my suggestion would be to stop breathing.” She turned to Cal, gesturing for him to continue, “Jason…”

He shifted uncomfortably, his back to the group, but when his eyes met Felix’s he smiled softly, “Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?”

“Ay, Pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.” Felix smirked.

“O, then, dear Saint, let lips do what hands do. They pray, grant thou…lest…lest…” Jason forgot his lines, but Cal remembered his perfectly.

“Lest faith turn to despair.” Felix sang quietly, Peter finishing the other boy’s words.

Beth let her eyes wander to the wings where Alison was wringing her hands, awaiting her entrance. When it came, the girl thrust her fists at her side and stepped forward, the nervousness gone completely.

She spoke her lines, her voice projecting to the audience. Bet hoped she never had to hear Alison as pained as she was playing Ivy. Her voice cracked, “Not here, just come back to my room.”

“I can’t, I have to finish my speech.” Cal said, angry. “You’re coming to rehearsal tonight, right?” Exasperated. “I can’t do this scene without you.” Charming.

Alison glared in Felix’s direction, but he had his back to her, “Well, it looks like you can.”

“I’ll meet you before practice.”

“I’ll come by your room.” She finished.

Beth faded the spotlight trained on them while Eric brightened another, illuminating Felix and the teacher.

“Impressive performance,” She said.

Felix shrugged, unable to make eye contact, “I help him run his lines.”

“I wasn’t talking about the scene,” She pursed her lips, knowingly.

Felix blinked rapidly, his fingers coming to his throat, “I should go!” He ran from the stage.

Beth hit all of her cues without incident, biting her lip as the finale approached. She crouched low, one hand holding her instrument at the proper angle, the other weaved between the mesh. She was entranced as Alison sang:

“Dear Jason, you can’t begin to know the pain you’ve caused. How do I make sense, of what I’ve gained and what I’ve lost? What a mess, what a perfect mess; left alone to sort it out. In the sorrow, guilt, and rage…I keep coming back to doubt.”

Scott, a boy Beth knew only as Cosima’s friend, started in next. His stutter-stopped verse was stage-read off a blank page crinkled in his hands: “I’d like to start with just a— if we could take a moment— if maybe we were silent, or we had spoken. I tried to find the words to— just the right quotation…but I must confess I came up empty.”

The rest of the cast started in behind him, low and beautiful, a sorrowful prayer. And then it was Felix’s turn, and if Alison took Beth’s breath away, Felix knocked her out cold— every night.

“Dear Jason, how did a simple love, get complicated? Days crawl by, I ask myself again, should I have waited? In a world that’s quick to judge, I will try to understand. It’s so hard to find your way when you have no voice to guide you home.”

The chorus started in again, and through Beth’s watering eyes she saw Tony in the first row, tears falling freely. She pulled the focused flood lights lining the fly system sharply in perfect time with Eric and the effect was spot-on, light moving up the back curtain as the faces of the cast lifted towards the heavens with their final note.

And then the curtain dropped.

***

Beth’s fingers were slotted between Alison’s, her Chucks shuffling against the auditorium carpet.

“Mom!” Alison waved an arm in the air. Two pairs of eyes caught her flailing limb and a man and woman walked over, arm-in-arm.

“Hey, Sweetie!” Her father ducked his head to kiss her cheek, “Great work up there tonight!”

“Yes,” Her mother smiled, cupping her daughter’s face, “You were very good, Dear.”

Their eyes moved to Beth who swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Mom, Dad, this is Elizabeth.” Alison smiled broadly, tugging Beth forward by they joined hands, presenting her with the other.

“Elizabeth,” Alison’s mother was teary-eyed and smiling. “It’s so good to meet you, Ali talks about you all the time.”

Beth’s lashes fluttered, she tried to speak but couldn’t find her voice. Alison’s father extended his hand, “She does, it’s good to put a face to the name.”

She pulled her hand from Alison’s wiping her sweaty palm on her ratty jeans before taking the man’s much bigger hand. They shook firmly (she hoped she shook firmly).

“Beth is part of the running crew, she did the lights for the performance.” Alison explained.

Alison’s parents nodded, genuinely interested. “How do you like that, Elizabeth?” Mr. Hendrix asked.

“Uh, jus—“ she cleared her throat, running her hands down her shirt, “just Beth is fine.” She caught Alison’s eye, the girl smiled and nodded encouragingly. “We’re not much of a crew, there’s only two of us,” she gestured behind her to the stage, “our theatre has a new tension grid, it’s a…a kind of springy, see-through floor.” She pointed upwards, “I get to watch the show from a pretty cool angle.”

“Beth!” She turned to see her father striding over, he looked around at the group, assessing quickly. He led with a hand out, shaking Mr. Hendrix’s hand first, then his wife’s. But Beth hadn’t seen the interaction, as a matter of fact she hadn’t seen anything since her father first parted the crowd. Her dark eyes were glued to the woman tucked under his arm.

“Hi, Beth,” the newcomer said, quiet.

Beth’s eyes darted to her fathers’, incredulous, before turning back to the small woman. “What the fuck are you doing here?” She growled.

Mrs. Hendrix flinched. Alison clearly got her frown from Mr. Hendrix, they both wore it. Alison reached out for Beth’s elbow, holding it gently.

“What the fuck is she doing here?” Beth again looked to her father.

He sighed apologetically to Alison’s parents, and then shrugged at Beth, shaking his head, “She’s your mother Beth, she wanted to be here to support you.”

“Honey, can we talk privately?” Mrs. Childs reached for Beth, but the girl backed away, shaking her head and pulling her arm from Alison’s hold.

“I don’t have anything to say to you.” Beth spat, storming off.

Alison looked from her parents to Beth’s, “I’m sorry, please excuse me.” She jogged off through the crowd.

She wouldn’t find her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyyy you beautiful babes (and bros, and everything in between or out outside of gender binary— AINT NO BOXES HERE) the musical was fun, wasn’t it?! Kind of a longish chapter. Lots of fun singing going on. I'm sure it is all very confusing for anyone who hasn't actually seen the musical so if things didn't come across well or you have any questions, just ASK and I'll be more than happy to sort through the mess I've made.
> 
> Bare: A Pop Opera! Check out the soundtrack on youtube, and then you can buy it on iTunes, if you’re super into it.
> 
> There is also a oneshot for this update, it’s very small and cute, go check it out.


	12. Chapter 12

Alison wouldn’t find her, but Beth was okay with that— she wanted to be alone. Her toes dragged through wood chips and she used the leverage to rock herself backwards and forwards slowly. The bones of her shoulders pressed forward into the swing’s chains, it was a familiar pain.

_She was strong for such a small woman, always so strong, always filled with rage and rum. She held Beth’s shoulders tight, shaking, thumbs stinging into her bruised collarbones. “What were you thinking, Beth?! What the fuck were you thinking?!”_

_“Ma’am, Ma’am,” A security guard was trying to step between them. Beth just stood, eyes hollow and absent, body limp. Her mother shook her harder. She couldn’t hear the yelling over the sounds of the ER or the spinning in her own head._

_“Where is Angie?” Beth’s mouth moved but she wasn’t sure if any sound came out._

_“What?!” Her mother said._

_Beth licked at her tacky lips, they still tasted like the girl— her orgasm and whisky. She spoke louder, “Is Angie okay?”_

_“Get your fucking hands off of her, Brenda.” Finally her father was there and gripping her mother’s wrists. He’d been outside, speaking with the police. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough.”_

_“Don’t even try to talk to me like that!”_

_“Ma’am, Sir, please!”_

_Her dad was yelling now, “You drank around Elizabeth her whole life and look where we are now! She could have died, Brenda! She’s 17! And what about that girl?”_

She rubbed her hands up and down against her bare arms, trying to ward off the cold that the night air was settling into her bones. She looked up at the moon, it was full and big— bigger than she’d seen it in a long time. Did people wish on the moon? She wanted to try. Beth closed her eyes tight, squeezing them as hard as she could, and she wished. She wished her mother hadn’t come, she wished Alison hadn’t seen her react so angrily, she wished she’d never taken her first sip, she wished her mother would have been sober enough to miss the bottles she used to sneak from the cupboards, she wished she’d let Art take her keys that night.

_“Jesus, Beth.” Angie dropped back against the car, jerking with spasms and low, amazed laughter, “That was…”_

_Beth roughed her mouth against her palm, “Get up.”_

_“Christ, give me a second, Childs.” DeAngelis brought herself to her elbows, hips still twitching._

_She shook her head, digging into her back pocket for her keys, “Get in the fucking car, Angie.”_

She wished she’d seen the red light.

She wished she’d died that night.

Her phone buzzed in her back pocket and it vibrated her whole skeleton. She leaned to the side and pulled it out— a text from her father:

‘Beth, your mom is cleaning up her act. I think she’s actually staying sober. You should go to a meeting with her tonight.’

‘Fuck off.’ She sent back.

“Beth?”

She jerked around, twisting the swing sharply, its rusty old chain pinched the webbing of her thumb. She cursed, shaking her hand out. “Delphine, you scared the crap out of me.”

“Je suis désolée.” Delphine strode closer, reaching for Beth’s hand, “Fais voir.” Beth put it palm up on the blonde’s. There was some redness and a rust smudge, but the skin wasn’t broken. Delphine rubbed her thumb against the spot to ease the sting. “Etes-tu d’accord?

Beth shrugged, “It’s fine, it’s not bleeding or anything.”

Delphine offered a smile and released her hand, “That’s not what I meant… you ran off.”

“Oh,” Beth frowned, sucking on the skin, metal-tang harsh on her tongue, “so everyone saw, huh? That’s great.”

“So, are you alright?”

Beth scoffed and kicked a spray of wood chips into the air, “Ne t'inquiète pas pour moi.” She looked down and laughed when Delphine sat down gingerly on the swing next to her.

“What are you giggling about?”

“You’re so tall,” Beth pointed to Delphine’s flat feet and bent knees.

Delphine grunted and looked down at Beth’s legs, the smaller teen couldn’t put her heels on the ground if she’d wanted to, “Yes, I suppose so. But in my defense, you are very short.”

Beth quieted, looking back up at the moon, “I get it from my mom.”

The blonde nodded, “That was her?”

“Yeah,” Beth said.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Beth looked over at her with a wry expression and Delphine chuckled, “Right, of course.” They swung in silence for a few minutes before Beth’s shivering became too much for Delphine ignore. “It’s nearly midnight, do you want me to walk you home?”

“I don’t want to go home,” Beth said, holding herself with the cold chains in the crooks of her elbows, “I don’t want to see her.” She pushed herself back and swung forward twisting at the waist with her legs straight out in front of her, making the swing set creak and groan.

“Si tu ne veux pas rester seul, je peux te tenir compagnie.” The tall girl offered, but before Beth could decline Delphine’s phone chimed. She dug it out and glanced at the screen. “Or…” her hazel eyes danced with excitement, “we can go to the party.” She waggled her phone, grinning, “Cosima says it is ‘dope’.”

Beth chuckled and thought about it for a moment before nodding. Delphine squealed and jumped up from the swing. “Let’s go!”

“Hold on, I want to try something.” Beth pushed back and bent her knees, she began pumping her legs in ernest.

“What are you doing?” Delphine asked, stepping out of the way as Beth gained more height.

She laughed, “Did you ever see how high you could go before jumping off?”

Delphine’s eyes widened, “No, absolutely not, never. Beth, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

She grunted, frustrated and mumbling, “Everyone keeps telling me that.” Her body was flopping against the seat at the height of each swing forward. She stretched her arms up and gripped the chains as far up as she could— pulling herself up out of the chair and getting her feet under her.

“Merde, I won’t save you if you die.”

Beth led with her feet in the sling until she got as high as she could go. 

_“Go fuck yourself, John!”_

_“Brenda, I swear to god I’m going to take her and leave. You will never see her again, this is killing her! You are so fucking selfish!”_

_There was a crash, the sound of grappling. The familiar thunk of a half-empty liquor bottle on a hardwood floor. Beth leaned her heavy head against the wall outside of the kitchen, she chewed on her lip, her fingertips brushing a stray tear off of her cheek. A smack echoed though the doorway and Beth flinched._

_“You can’t just take our daughter! Where are you going to go? You don’t even have a plan!”_

_“We don’t have a choice,” he quieted, “Beltmore called. The principal has asked us to transfer Beth to another school.”_

_Her mother gasped, “Do they have any idea how much money we spend to send her there?! Did you tell them we won’t pull her out?”_

_“Brenda…” he sighed, “it wasn’t a request.”_

_Beth squeezed her eyes shut and ran for the door. She burst out into the freezing night, a jacket forgotten. Her fingers twisted around the days-old hospital bracelet still strapped around her wrist; she made to yank it off but the plastic only stretched. She grunted and pulled harder until the thing finally snapped, leaving an angry red fault-line behind. She threw it to the ground and took off at a run, blinded by the mix of wind and tears._

_She ran until her feet hit wood chips. She blinked and slowed— her old elementary school. She walked, trailing a hand along the bitterly cold metal of the playground equipment; her fingers rang out a rhythm as they ‘thunk-thunk-thunk’ed against the monkey bars._

_Her dark eyes fell on the swing set and she remembered how she’d spend all of recess trying to swing as high as she could, jumping off when she’d reach the peak. She walked to them slowly, as if they were a mirage she was worried would disappear. She touched the chains with reverence and turned to sit on her once-favorite swing._

She jumped, her legs kicking under her while she flew through the air. She hit the ground, “Oof!”, landing hard on all fours and skittering forward for a few steps before dropping and rolling onto her side, arms wrapped around her body.

Delphine ran to her, kneeling down and gently moving Beth onto her back, “Mon dieu! Beth! Are you alright?”

She groaned, holding herself, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go to that stupid party.”

“Are you serious?” Delphine’s eyes were full of worry and anger, “Qu'est-ce qui ne va pas avec toi?!”

Beth just got her arms under herself and stood, brushing off her pants. “I’m fine, Delphine, come on.” With little more than that she began to walk away, working through a slight limp.

Delphine gaped up at her with disbelief, “Tu êtes tellement stupide!”

Beth glanced over her shoulder, exasperated, and gestured emphatically, “Allons-y.”

The blonde sighed and stood, following. Her strides were long and, despite Beth’s head start, Delphine caught up in no time. “Let me text Cosima and tell her we’re on our way.”

After a beat, “Did she tell you?”

“Tell me what?” Delphine asked absently, her eyes trained on her phone, thumbs tapping away.

“Did she tell you about me?” Beth shoved her hands in her pockets.

She’d caught the tall girl’s attention, Delphine looked at Beth quizzically, “Non, what are you talking about?”

Beth bit her lip and shook her head, “Don’t worry about it.”

Delphine side eyed her for a moment before looking back to her phone. She finished the message and hit send. They walked a few moments in silence before Delphine spoke, “The play was so good, I cried. Alison and Felix were amazing.”

“Yeah, they were.”

“Did you have fun doing the lights?” Delphine pointed upward and swirled her finger.

Beth smiled, “You know, I actually kind of did.”

“I guess it’s a bit too late to join drama. This is the last production of the year. Maybe in university you can start.” She nudged Beth’s shoulder.

Beth’s fingers found her jaw and scratched at it, “I don’t think I’m going to be going to university.”

Delphine’s eyes widened, “Non?”

“Soccer was kind of supposed to pay my way.” Beth shrugged.

“But didn’t your team win the championship this year?” The blonde asked, “Surely that is worth a scholarship.”

“It’s complicated.” She scuffed her shoes against the sidewalk.

Before she had to elaborate Delphine’s phone chimed. Hazel eyes widened as she took in the message. “Ah, Beth,” she stopped abruptly, “maybe we should just take you home. I’m feeling a little tired.”

Beth’s brow furrowed, “What’s the matter? What did she say?”

“It’s nothing, I just think we should pass on the party.”

“Delphine.” Her voice grew hard and she reached for the blonde’s phone.

“Non!” Delphine spun away from her. “Ce n’est rien!”

“It obviously is something.” Beth growled, “Tell me. Now, Delphine.”

The girl shifted uncomfortably, “It’s Alison…”

Beth didn’t wait to hear more, she turned and tore off down the street, trying to mentally map out the fastest route to Sarah’s house.

***

She didn’t bother knocking, the music was too loud to hear over anyway, it pounded against the walls and escaped through every opening it could find. The inside of the house was hot and muggy and reeked of booze and pot. She shoved through the party-goers until she found Sarah and Felix in the kitchen. They were laughing up at Helena who was standing on the counter, her boots squeaking as she danced with her hands up in the air— double-fisting two beers.

“Sarah!” Beth grabbed the punk’s shoulder and spun her around. “Where is Alison?”

Sarah looked put off, her face twisted. She grunted, shrugged, and gestured to their surroundings— the house was bursting at the seams with students. “‘ow the fuck should I know?”

Felix grabbed Beth’s hands and bounced them playfully, “Elizabeth! I’m so happy you’re here!”

“Have you seen Alison?” She asked him. She had to lean close and speak loudly to be heard over the music. He just shook his head and shrugged, offering the same look-at-how-many-fucking-people-are-here gesture that Sarah had. He slipped a beer in her hand and kissed her cheek. Beth’s eye caught the miniature sharpie dangling from a beaded chain around his neck. “Felix. Felix!” She grabbed his wrist and twisted it around until she saw the black hashmarks along the inside of his arm— a drug tally, so that even in his inebriated state he wouldn’t forget how many he’d taken.

“Cosima!” He shouted, pointing over Beth’s shoulder, “Darling! How are you enjoying the party!”

Beth spun, Felix clearly hadn’t noticed Cosima’s grave expression. She just plucked the beer from Beth’s hand and set it at Helena’s shuffling feet, grabbed Beth’s arm and pulled her out of the kitchen. They made their way through the crowd and up the stairs, weaving around people sitting on the stairs all holding red plastic cups filled with beer or liquor. Finally they stopped at a closed door and Cosima turned to Beth, “Listen, Alison is a little rough right now, I just want to warn you befo—“

But Beth shoved past her and opened the door.

Tony was crouched by the edge of the bed, rubbing Alison’s back. The small girl was seated on the mattress next to him with a small wastebasket on her lap. Her eyes were closed and she was swaying slightly.

“Alison.” Beth said, crossing the room to her side and kneeling at her feet.

Alison opened her eyes (glassy and rolling) and smiled, “Beth!” She reached out for her, “I’m so glad you came.”

Beth grabbed her hand painfully-tight before Alison could touch her. “What happened?” She growled, her eyes not leaving Alison.

“Sarah.” Tony whispered quietly.

Cosima coughed into her fist, she spoke up, meek, “We think she took some pills.” Beth’s head whipped around to lock her with a furious gaze that only lasted a beat before she checked the inside of Alison’s arm; two hastily scrawled black marks were in stark contrast to the soft pale skin. Beth stood quickly, fists clenched at her sides.

“She was looking for you after you left, she ran into Felix and they came back here. Cosima found Sarah feeding her drinks— trying to drown her sorrows.” Tony’s voice was low and apologetic. Beth’s glare fell on him next.

“I’m sorry, Beth.” Cosima added.

“Where the fuck were you guys?!”

Tony shook his head, “Beth, we’re sorry, we didn’t—“

“You didn’t?” She shoved him off balance and he fell to the floor. “You didn’t? What did you manage to do? Were they Felix’s pills, Tony? Did she get them from Felix?” He stayed down on the ground, the heel of his palm rubbing against his sparse beard. He couldn’t meet her eyes. “That’s what I thought. Fuck you.” She spun on Cosima, “And fuck you, too.” She grabbed Alison’s hand and pulled her up off the bed. The teen was too messed up to notice the tension in the room, she leaned into Beth grinning and oblivious. “Ali,” Beth grunted and pushed some distance between them while still keeping her close enough to hold her upright. “Let’s go, we’re leaving. Where are your keys?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter blows, sorry. I'm not a perfect person!

Alison was coming to after a short nap, her lids fluttering open, head pressed against the cold glass of her station wagon’s passenger side. Beth hit the left turn-signal and glanced over her shoulder before moving into the lane. “I thought you couldn’t drive.” Alison spoke at last.

Beth sighed, the rage boiling inside her had drained with the drive and she was emotionally spent— her voice showing it. “It’s not a matter of skill…” 

“Your father must be pretty strict.” Alison’s hazy eyes watched the twitch of the taller girl’s cheek.

“It’s a matter of legality,” she amended.

“Oh,” Alison left it at that, her pale fingers reached out and turned up the music. “This song reminds me of you,” she said.

_Let’s rearrange, I wish you were a stranger I could disengage.  
To say that we agree and then never change,  
Soften a bit until we all just get along_

Beth recognized its tune as the song Alison had hurriedly turned off a week before. “Why?” 

Alison shrugged, “I don’t know, it’s got this sort of,” she struggled to find the words, straightening in her seat, “sadness?”

“I’m not sad, Alison.” Beth shook her head, reaching across the console to rest a hand on Alison’s thigh. “I’m just…tired.”

_But that’s disregard,  
Find another friend and you discard,  
As you lose the argument in a cable car—  
Hanging above as the canyon comes between._

“Are you ever going to tell me about the accident?” Alison rested her jaw in her palm, fingertips playing across her own cheek. With her free hand she scooped Beth’s off of her leg.

Beth closed her eyes for a moment before opening them to fix on the road. “I don’t think I need to. Do I?”

“No,” Alison bit her lip.

Beth just nodded.

“I’d rather hear it from you.” Her fingers played with Beth’s.

The taller girl pulled her hand free, digging in her pocket for her sobriety chip, pressing it into Alison’s palm, “Five weeks and…” she glanced at the clock (2am) “six days,” she said.

_And everyone knows I’m in  
Over my head, over my head.  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She’s on your mind, she’s on your mind._

Alison turned the thing in her fingers, tilting it towards the window to see it in the passing streetlights. “After the accident? The night of Beltmore’s championship win?”

“Yeah,” Beth sighed.

“You were the only goal scorer, you won the match with a hat-trick against Yarmouth.” Alison stated, it wasn’t a question.

Beth nodded, “Both true statements.”

“And you drank at a party afterwards, and you drove home drunk.” She continued, detailing her knowledge of the events, her voice slowed, “Except you didn’t make it home.”

“Looks like Rachel’s got you covered.”

Alison nodded slowly, her brain just half a step ahead their conversation. “She was in the car with you? Yarmouth’s captain?”

Beth flexed her jaw, “She was.”

“They said—“

“It doesn’t matter,” Beth’s voice was simmering somewhere above a growl, “I’m here now.” She reached down with a hand to squeeze her knee where Angie’s cleats had flayed her to the bone years before.

Alison rolled her tongue heavy in her mouth, thick with the potent mix of pills and booze. After a minute of silently studying the coin, she spoke again: “But if you carry this, if you’re a recovering alcoholic then it wasn’t a one time thing, right? I mean, you didn’t just get drunk at a party and run a red light and smash into a tree trying to avoid another car.”

Beth squeezed her eyes shut tightly, swallowing hard.

_And suddenly, I become part of your past  
I’m becoming the part that don’t last  
I’m losing you and it’s effortless_

“So, what happened?”

She shrugged, “My mom is a drunk, she always has been.”

Alison’s eyelids batted, she sat quiet for a moment. “That’s why you hate her so much.”

“Yeah.” Beth shifted uncomfortably, reaching for her chip, pulling it too forcefully from Alison’s palm, tightening it in her own fist until it hurt.

“There’s more to it than that.”

“There really isn’t.”

Alison’s fingertips were warm against her jaw, just grazing against it, “You don’t have to tell me, Beth, but please don’t lie about it.”

_Without a sound,  
We lose sight of the ground in the throw around  
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down.  
I won’t let it go down ’til we torch it ourselves_

Beth sighed and stuffed the chip back into her pocket, returning both hands to the wheel, “I had a boyfriend back at Beltmore: Paul.” At Alison’s nod she continued, “He, uh,” she cleared her throat, “he spread some rumors about me.”

Alison’s brow furrowed, “What? Why would he do that?”

Beth stopped at a red light, her foot holding the brake too tightly, like easing off it might send them at top speed into the sturdy oak across the way. She released the wheel and ran both hands down her face, rubbing the itch of tears from her nose with a knuckle. “He wasn’t satisfied— with our sex life.”

“B-because you’re gay?”

Beth shrugged and gripped the steering wheel again, turning, “That’s what I told people, to get back at him, but no, it wasn’t a matter of not liking him. If I’m being honest, I liked him a lot.”

Alison watched her with curious eyes, a soft smile spreading across her face. “There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, Beth.”

“Are you—?”

Alison let out a laugh, “No, no, I’m,” she held up her hands, “super gay. Like, really gay. It’s okay if you’re not though, like, anyone who says they have a problem with that is an idiot.”

Beth smiled and tried to ease the tension of her hands, knuckles gone white against the dark leather of the wheel. She cleared her throat, “Anyway, Paul, he told everyone I was a cold fish,” her voice cracked and she finished in a choked whisper, “a lousy lay.”

“A cold fish? What is—?” Coming out of Alison’s mouth, the words that had haunted her for nearly seven months were like a brutal slap. She clenched her jaw against it.

“Yeah,” She said, voice harsh, “you know, limp and…” she grunted, muttering quickly, “fucking, unresponsive, or whatever.”

Alison blinked, surprised, and when they rolled to a stop at the next light she reached for Beth’s jaw to meet their eyes. When the taller girl flinched, she pulled back. “I’m sorry, Beth. That’s an awful betrayal.”

Beth swallowed the bile creeping up her throat and looked out the driver’s side window at a tall boy in a dark hoody walking down the sidewalk. “Yeah, well, I’d been drinking for years before that. Afterwards though,” she sighed and shrugged.

“You started drinking more?”

“Every day, all the time, I was never sober.”

Alison’s eyes widened, “the game?”

Beth sighed, “I’d had a few.”

_Everyone knows I’m in  
Over my head, over my head.  
With eight seconds left in overtime  
She’s on your mind, she’s on your mind._

***

“Oh God.”

Beth’s eyes squinted open. The morning light was streaming straight into her face.

“Oh God.”

She sat up. Alison had her knees in the passenger’s seat, torso hanging out the open window. She vomited. “Oh God.”

Beth sighed and ran a hand down her face.

Neither of them had a place to go. So at 4am, when the low-gas indicator light came on, Beth pulled into a parking lot used by cyclists and trail-walkers. They shimmied into the back seat (Alison needed a fair amount of help), and curled together, pressed tight enough to feel each other’s heartbeats through the layers of their clothing, they’d fallen asleep.

She checked her phone: three missed calls from her father, a string of texts from Delphine, and one text from Alison that read ‘Remind me in the morning how nice this feels’. She chuckled. Alison had written it while they were huddled together for warmth, waiting for sleep to find them.

_She snatched the phone from Alison’s clumsy hands. “Ali, drunk texting is not a good idea.” The girl was heavy on her chest, bony elbow digging into her sternum. At Alison’s impatient glare she handed the phone back._

_“It’s for you.” After a few seconds of more typing Beth felt her phone buzz from her back pocket, pressed firmly between her and the seat. She shifted, grunting, to try for it but Alison caught her hand. “Don’t, it’s for the morning.”_

_“Alright.” Alison’s nose was freezing, and she kept sniffling snot back up it, but Beth didn’t mind— letting the girl bury it in the crease of her neck. She slid her hands around Alison’s body, locking her fingers together in the middle of her back._

“Ohhhhh God.”

Beth hopped over the console, dropping down to the driver’s seat on her knees. “You’ll live.” She rubbed Alison’s back.

“No, no. Please don’t look at me.”

Beth laughed, “Been there, done that, remember?” She paused, fear icing through her, did Alison remember?

“Yeah, but you didn’t puke everywhere in front of a ridiculously cute girl that you were super into.”

She smiled, “Maybe I did, you don’t know.”

“You better not have.” After a few minutes and a copious amount of back rubs, Alison slid back inside the car. “I don’t think there’s anything left.” There were tears streaked down her face, make up smeared clownishly across her features.

Beth reached over and smudged wetness from her cheek, “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just want to go home.” Alison looked down into her lap, her fingers fiddling with the edges of her hoody sleeves.

Beth nodded. She did not want to go home. “You texted me to remind you how great last night was.”

***

“My name is Brenda, I’m a grateful alcoholic, and I’m Beth’s mom.” Her mother looked over at her, holding one of Beth’s hands between her own, smiling widely. She took a deep breath and nodded with firm surety, “Eight days without a drink.”

“Hello Brenda.” The group chorused, there were scattered congratulations as her mother sat.

Beth didn’t bother to stand, just monotoned: “My name is Beth, and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hello Beth.” They welcomed.

They were the last to introduce themselves. Joshua smiled widely at Beth, “Six weeks today, Beth. How are you feeling.”

“Fine.”

Her mother frowned. Joshua pressed, though he couldn’t have expected much from the girl who had never shared, “Just fine?”

After over a month of meetings, Beth finally snapped, “Six weeks ago, tonight, I plowed my car into a tree. The car was like a…a mashed potato, th-there was nothing left of it.” She paused, breath heavy with rage in the silent space. “I had to transfer schools and my dad thought it would be best to get out of Montreal, you know? Get away from all the,” she pulled her hand roughly from her mother’s grip, “negative influences.” Brenda flinched. “He begged her to come with us, but told her she had to clean up.” Her mother began to fidget, she knew where the story was headed. “She chose liquor over her own family. Now it’s been a week and you just show up out of the blue and want to pretend nothing ever happened? You want to act like we’re a happy drunk family, doing happy drunk things, going to fucking meetings together? Sobriety buddies?!” Beth finally stilled, wiping away the angry tears she hadn’t realized were falling. Her voice broke, she whispered, “You chose booze over _me_.”

The long table, the room, was filled with thirty five completely silent people, eyes downcast. Most of them had chosen the bottle over their families before— all were trying to make up for it.

“I can’t do this.” Beth stood. “I can’t be around you.” Halfway out the door she turned to face her mother one last time, “You make me want to drink, Mom. _You_ are my trigger.”

***

Beth wasn’t looking forward to the crew’s usual nothing-bad-ever-happens approach to life at lunch on Monday. As if they sensed an approaching hurricane, a hush rippled through the teens when Beth crossed towards them, everyone but Sarah and Helena had their eyes on her. She set her food down and sat at the table, scanning each gaze slowly until her eyes settled on the top of Sarah’s tangled mane— the girl had her rusty orbs buried in her phone.

“Sarah.” Beth said, the strength of it shook the quiet air between them.

Sarah’s eyes lifted to meet hers but her head didn’t move, still bent downwards, thumb pausing over her touch screen. “Yeah?”

“I’m only going to say this once, so listen very carefully.” Beth leaned forward, forearms resting against the edge of the table, “If you every give Alison another drink, I will come after you. Do you hear me? It will not end well for you.”

Helena glanced up from her food, eyes shifting between Beth’s and her sister’s.

“Yeah, whatever.” Sarah’s gaze dropped back down to her phone.

“Sarah!” Beth slammed her palm against the table, shaking it.

Sarah threw her phone down, finally giving Beth her undivided attention, “You got something to say to me, Childs? Just fuckin’ say it then.”

“I just did.” Beth snarled, “If you try the shit you pulled on Friday again, it’ll be the last thing you do.” Helena tensed visibly, her fists balling and coming to rest gently on the table in front of her, but Beth barely tracked the motion.

Sarah leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms against her chest. “Look, Beth, I’m real sorry your girlfriend can’t hold her liquor, I am, but it was a party— we were drinking. Get over yourself. What the hell is your problem?”

Beth opened her mouth to shout, but Cosima’s warm hand came to rest on her arm. She met the tattooed girl’s fiercely apologetic eyes and calmed. “Whatever,” She huffed, grabbing her fork and digging into her salad.

They ate in silence, Delphine, Cosima, and Tony stealing worried glances. Felix and Sarah seemed oblivious to the problem, though fully aware of the tension. Helena never relaxed.

When her salad was finished, Beth wiped her mouth with a napkin and crumpled it into the Styrofoam bowl. She stood and pushed through the students tossing their trash in a can. She was halfway out of the lunch room when Helena moved swiftly in front of her, stopping her dead in her tracks.

“Helena,” Beth said, surprised.

“Hello, Beth.” The blonde responded. She stood quiet for several beats.

Finally, Beth spoke, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable back there. My problem is with Sarah, not you. You know I’ll always want to be your friend, Helena, no matter what happens between Sarah and me.”

From behind her Beth could hear Cosima’s voice murmur something unintelligible, followed by Sarah’s rough: “Good, let her then.”

Helena held a hand up, forcing Beth to stay silent. “Alison drank too much at the party. You blame Sarah.”

Beth sighed and nodded, digging her hands into her pockets.

“I see you, when you hold drinks. Like they scare you. Like they are a part of you. People think I do not understand things, but to need something that is a part of you, that is missing…this I understand,” a deep breath, “better than most.” Helena sucked her teeth, tonguing bits of chips and cookies from the cracks between them. She waited a few moments before continuing: “Alison was sad because of _you_ ,” she thrust a finger out to press into Beth’s sternum, “ _you left her_.” Beth shifted uncomfortably. “You left her and she could not find you. Sarah tried to help your friend.”

Beth pulled a hand from her pocket to reach for Helena’s arm but the girl jerked out of Beth’s reach, her brown eyes brimming with anger.

“No, don’t touch me. You listen.” Helena continued, “Maybe what Sarah did was bad, I don’t know, but she wanted to make Alison happy after you made her cry. She cried and Sarah rubbed her back the way she rubs my back, and she laughed and she gave Alison drinks until Alison was smiling again.”

Beth’s lashes fluttered and she whispered, “Helena, it’s complicated.”

“No! Your problems are not Sarah’s problems, are not Alison’s problems.” Helena was poking at Beth’s chest again, “You think I don’t understand things, but I do. I am not stupid, Beth. Everyone thinks I am just a baby. We are friends, I like you, but Sarah is my sestra. You will not hurt her. Do you understand?”

Beth closed her dark eyes and nodded, thoroughly defeated. “Yes.”

“Good.” Helena turned and walked off like a cloud of whirling heat, pushing past any student not quick enough to move out of her way.

Beth ran her hands down her face and let out a deep breath.

***

“Do you want me to walk with you to your history class?” Cosima asked, holding the door open behind her for Beth. Word traveled fast and everyone knew about the altercation between Helena and Beth after lunch.

“No, thanks. I think I know the way by now.” Beth sighed, typing the passcode into her phone to respond to the text Alison had sent her about it (‘I heard Helena punched you?! Are you alright?!’)

She could hear a smile twisting Cosima’s lips, “Never mind, looks like your escort is here.”

Beth looked up— Helena was waiting for her in their usual spot. She smiled and the blonde smiled back. She gripped the edge of her parka with a hand to hold it in place, digging into the pocket with the other. She produced a crushed package of cookies. “Chocolate chips.” She explained, holding them out.

“I like chocolate chips,” Beth said, taking the cookies.

“I know.” Helena said, throwing an arm over Beth’s shoulder and leading her towards History.

They were nearly halfway there when Beth spoke up around a mouthful of cookies, “I’ve been thinking.”

“Yes?” Helena took the broken piece of cookie Beth offered, stuffing it in her mouth.

“You were right, I wanted to apologize.”

They crunched on their snack in silence for a few moments before Helena responded, “I am not the one you should apologize to. You did not hurt me, you hurt Sarah.”

Beth sighed, “There you go, being right again.”

Helena smiled, “I am usually right about most things.”

Beth chuckled, “Yeah, I bet you are.” They stopped outside the door to her class. “But I wronged you too. You were right when you said that I treat you like kid, that wasn’t nice of me. You’re very smart. I shouldn’t have underestimated you.”

“I am not smart,” Helena shook her head. “I just understand people.”

“There are a lot of different kinds of smart, Helena. Look at Cosima, she’s really good at school, right? She understands way more about the way the universe works than any of us.”

“Yes, but she does not understand people at all.”

Beth smiled, “Exactly, not like you do. You and Cosima are both smart, just in different ways.”

Helena let that sink in, chewing absently at nothing but her tongue. “Yes. I like that.”

“Good.” Beth clapped Helena’s shoulder gently, “Thank you for opening my eyes today, Helena.”

“You are welcome, Beth.”

“And thanks for the cookies.”

“You are welcome for that also.”

Beth chuckled and opened the door, waving goodbye to the blonde and shifting her bag off her shoulders. Alison leaned forward in her chair, forearms supporting her weight against the desk as she sought out a kiss. Beth smiled softly and cupped her girlfriend’s cheek as she passed, kissing her gently in greeting. She tried to focus on the cute way Alison’s closed eyes scrunched around the edges when their lips met and not on the unease in her gut. They’d texted all weekend and thing were alright between them, Alison had apologized for allowing herself to get roped into the party, Beth had apologized for being harsh with her, they’d moved past it. But Beth still worried that the words ‘cold fish’ echoed in Alison’s head they way they echoed in hers.

She slid into her seat tangled her fingers with Alison’s when the short girl reached across the aisle to take her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I brain-spew a bit about Helena over on tumblr. Check it out if you're into that kind of thing.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like poorly written make out scenes because this fic has a lot of them-- and they start now.

The director of the musical only had a few suggestions for changes to be made and rehearsals passed quickly on Monday; Beth decided to use the extra time to deep clean the lighting instruments. When Alison found her she was on her knees, elbow deep in a water-vinegar mixture down in the supply closet. “Beth?”

“Hmm?” Beth glanced up for a moment before looking back down at the lens in her hands. She held it by the edges, tilting it under a bright light to check it for smudges, before replacing the rubber tabs in the instrument housing and settling the lens in place.

“Eric needs you up on the grid.” Alison moved into the room to stand behind her girlfriend with knees locked and arms tight across her chest.

Beth frowned, brows furrowing, intently focused on her task. “I thought he left already, he said he had last minute university apps to send in.”

Alison dropped one hand to graze the top of Beth’s head, her fingers dancing along the part. “You wore your hair down.”

“What?” Beth asked distractedly while she double-checked the lens placement and wiped sparse dust from the instrument housing with a cloth.

“Nothing, ah—“ Alison bit the smile from her lip and shook her head, crossing her arms back into place. “He said something about needing to rehang something?”

Beth groaned, “I told him not to touch anything.” She stood, picking up the heavy instrument and carrying it out the door, pecking Alison’s cheek quickly as she passed. She didn’t notice the small teen’s poor attempt to hide her conspiratorial smirk. The auditorium was empty and echoing. She walked with steady footfalls up the stairs to the catwalk, concentrating on not jostling the light and failing to take notice of the spread waiting for her on the grid.

Alison’s grin was unrestrained now and she was only a few steps behind.

“Oh,” Beth’s dark eyes widened when she finally saw it, turning to catch Alison’s dancing smile. “Did you honestly just trick me?”

“A girl’s got to get her kicks somehow.” Alison shrugged. She shook out her shoulders to loosen her movements while attempting to not look down at the sheer drop to the stage floor below. She brushed past Beth to sit on the blanket she’d spread out over the mesh and flipped open the lid of a picnic basket.

Beth laughed, her eyes rolling. “You’re ridiculous.”

“You like it.” Alison attempted a smirk, but her mouth was stretched too wide in a genuine smile, clearly pleased that Beth was surprised. She patted the blanket next to her.

Beth carefully lowered the instrument to the metal grate of the catwalk and hopped the railing, bouncing when she landed on the grid. Alison was far enough away to barely feel the warp of the metal. Beth walked to her side and dropped down onto her knees on the blanket. “All of this is for me?”

Alison nodded. “After the other night,” she bit her lip, “I wanted to make sure that you were okay. I know it took a lot for you to share all that. It’s important to me that you know I support you— one-hundred percent.” She took in a lungful of air and continued, her words starting to stumble out in a messy tangle, “At first I thought you’d rather not talk about it, and that the best way to show my support would be to just not bring it up. Then I worried, like, what if you need to talk about it and by not bringing it up I’m not creating a safe space for you to open up in and I thought it’d be better to show you that it was okay and that I’m here for you and then if it annoys you than at least you’ll know I’m—“

Beth chuckled, rolled her eyes, and met Alison’s rambling lips to silence her. “Thank you.”

Alison took a moment to catch her breath. Beth could barely see her smile when she ducked her head and hummed quietly, but she could see the blush turning Alison’s cheeks a bright red. Alison turned to the basket and pulled out oranges and soda cans. “I know it isn’t a five-star meal, but I pulled some strings with the lunch ladies to get extra snacks.” She handed Beth the Pepsi and opened a root beer for herself. “It’s a Throwback, it has real sugar— much better for you than the junk you normally drink.”

Beth took a sip and spit it back into the can, “It also tastes like shit.” Alison frowned— “But thank you, thank you.” Beth sat the can behind her and reached for an orange, stretching out on her side, crossing her feet at the ankle, and propping herself up on one elbow. “I thought you were fiercely against soda,” she gestured to Alison’s root beer.

Alison took a sip, “It may have been brought to my attention that I’ve got to live a little.”

The taller girl laughed and pulled the multitool she used to disassemble lights from her pocket. She used the small blade inside it to cut into the thick flesh of the fruit and peeled the rest of the skin back in chunks with her fingertips.

“Do you want to go with me to the library when we’re done? Felix already went down there, like, twenty minutes ago.” Beth asked, “I should probably deal with this whole Sarah-thing, at some point.” She popped a slice into her mouth and bit down, citrus flowing over her tongue both tangy and sweet.

“Yeah,” Alison nodded and sucked on a section of orange. “Yeah, sure. What’s the plan?”

“The plan?” Beth chuckled, shrugging, “I don’t know, I guess I’ll apologize.”

“I heard you threatened to beat her up.”

Beth nodded, “I did.”

Alison smiled, “Not that I condone violence, because I certainly do not, but,” she leaned in and kissed the tip of Beth’s nose, “that was very noble of you.”

“Well, I am very noble.” Beth joked, eating another slice and setting the other half of her orange down on the blanket.

“Good, because I’m kind of into that.” Alison purred, not joking. She maneuvered their snacks out of the way and stretched out until she was laying on her side in front of Beth, an arm draping across Beth’s side, fingers tangling in the back of her shirt.

Beth smiled leaned forward, pulling her girlfriend closer to rest her head against Alison’s shoulder. “This was really sweet of you, Ali,” she whispered into Alison’s collarbone, “I appreciate it.”

Alison balanced herself on an elbow and ran all ten fingers through Beth’s loose hair the way she was wont to do whenever Beth wore it down: like it was a rare gift. “I think you deserve it, after Friday. You really saved my butt— things could have ended really badly.” She twisted brown tresses around her knuckles and tugged gently on the strands at Beth’s nape to tilt her head up.

If Beth thought that Alison’s name tasted like cherry lip balm and fresh cut grass, her lips tasted like sunshine and a gentle breeze. Beth couldn’t help the smile that interrupted their kiss or the laughter that kept them apart, she just pulled Alison closer until their bodies were flush and buried her face in the shorter girl’s neck.

“What is so funny? I was trying to be helpful and romantic.” She said, laughing over an obvious pout.

“No, no,” Beth tilted her head back to look at her, “this is all perfect, you did great. I’m just happy.” She paused, straining to think, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been happy.”

Alison smiled and bumped her nose against Beth’s, “I’m glad.” Four brown eyes locked until Alison finally grew impatient and whispered, “Elizabeth, if you don’t kiss me again right this instant, I might die.”

Beth grinned and pushed Alison onto her back, “Wouldn’t that be a tragedy?” She asked, moving over her girlfriend to kiss her soundly. If she could do nothing but press her mouth against Alison’s for the rest of her life, she thought she’d be okay with that. Alison pulled her legs up on either side of Beth’s hips, squeezing her with encouraging thighs and parting her lips. Their tongues brushed briefly before Beth pulled back, sitting up on her knees and lifting her arms to pull her hair back.

“No,” Alison nearly jumped up and reached for Beth’s hands, she quieted, blushing, “leave it down.”

Beth smiled slyly, “You like it down?”

Alison nodded, “It’s sexy.”

“Sexy?” Beth’s voice faltered, her tongue brushed against the inside of her own cheek, tattered where her teeth habitually grabbed at it.

“Very sexy.” Alison grabbed Beth’s elbows, pulling her in for another kiss. She buried one hand in Beth’s hair; the questing fingers of the other on a mission to pull Beth’s elastic from her wrist. When she succeeded she tossed it away from them and it dropped all the way to the stage floor. Alison’s hand met it’s match in long, thick hair. Her thumbs brushed Beth’s cheeks and fingers splayed against the taller girl’s scalp. “I love this tiny freckle,” she skimmed her lips against Beth’s beauty mark, “it’s cute.”

“You’re cute.” Beth caught her lips again, pressing into Alison with her jaw.

When Alison moaned Beth nearly pulled back. The shorter girl’s hands were sliding under the hem of her shirt, playing a tune on the piano of Beth’s ribcage, her hips were pressing up, rocking so slightly that Beth barely noticed (but she did notice). She mentally steeled herself and deepened the kiss further, breathing in Alison’s responsive sounds. _Just do it, just like you did with Angie._ No, nothing like she’d done with Angie. She’d been cruel to Angie, brutal and cold and bitter. She didn’t want to treat Alison that way. Her eyelashes fluttered and she tried to soften her body against Alison’s, tried to let their frames melt together they way they had just moments before and focus on how much she liked kissing Alison. She did like kissing Alison.

Beth’s teeth grazed against Alison’s lips, which parted around another shaking moan. Her hips were rocking harder, pressing up into Beth, and her whimpers were turning insistent.

Beth sighed and pulled back quickly to her knees. Alison’s eyes shot open and her brow creased, “Beth?” She sounded so fragile, like glass. Beth adjusted herself, straddling Alison’s hips and motioning her to sit up. She guided Alison’s arms around her waist and kissed her cheek gently.

“Sorry, I just,” Beth switched cheeks and kissed the other, hoping to quell the rampant insecurity simmering under Alison’s nervous fingers. “Ali, I like you. Please don’t think that I don’t.” She took a deep breath and tried to forget that the confidence she was trying to project onto Alison was built on sand. “But the things Paul said about me…they were all true.”

It took Alison a few moments to comprehend Beth’s words, for blood to flow back to her brain, “Oh, Beth.” A guilty frown marred her features, replacing the fear in her eyes. She cupped Beth’s cheek in her palm, “I’m sorry, I should have thought to take things slower. I can’t believe I brought you up here to show you how much I support you and then tried to…after everything with Paul— I’m so so sorry.” Beth smiled and her fists clenched in the front of Alison’s shirt, pulling her closer until their foreheads pressed together. Alison held her close and whispered apologies and promises that they’d take as much time as Beth needed.

It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but she wasn’t sure what she wanted; it was the best anyone had ever offered, anyway, so she kissed Alison softly and let out a low, relieved laugh. “Don’t cry, Ali.”

***

Alison took a few minutes to fix her barely-there make up (wrecked from equal parts crying and kissing) in the locker room mirror while Beth leaned a hip against a sink and finished her orange. “Are you going to be okay with this?” Beth asked, voice low.

“With what?” Alison’s mouth was twisted open as she drew eyeliner along her bottom lid. “Taking things slow?”

Beth nodded and pushed another orange slice in her mouth.

“Of course,” Alison flashed her teeth and put the cap back on the pencil, stuffing it back in her cosmetics bag. She fished out her chapstick and applied it to her lips before offering it to Beth.

The taller girl took the chapstick and wiped the acidy juice away, smearing it across her mouth and rolling her lips together. She avoided eye contact and brushed past Alison to toss her bare orange peels into a trash can, “I don’t want you to have to go without, or whatever.” She walked back slowly, kicking her heels back against the toes of her Chucks with each step.

Alison stepped forward to meet her, taking the chapstick from her hand and tangling their fingers together, “Beth, I’ve ‘gone without’ for seventeen years, I’m sure I can wait a while longer.”

Beth smiled and kept her eyes locked on their fingers. “You’re a virgin?”

Alison shrugged, “Are you surprised?”

“No,” she said (what she meant was ‘Good’). (What she meant was ‘You won’t have anyone to compare me to’) (’It’ll be easier that way’). She pulled their hands to her mouth, dragging her sticky cherry-lips against Alison’s knuckles, “I’m sure the gang is done at the library by now.”

“Mmm, probably.” Alison nodded, turning and walking from the washroom to set her make up in her locker and pull out a hoody. “Do you want me to drive you to Sarah’s?” She called back.

Beth smiled as she came around the corner and into the locker room proper, “I wouldn’t mind it.” She closed the distance between them and twisted her arms around Alison’s waist, planting small, happy kisses from her nape down to her shirt collar. “Do you even remember how to get there, ya’ booze-hound?”

Alison giggled and tried to spin in Beth’s arms but the taller girl just tightened her grip and Alison dragged her along for the ride, “It’s a good thing I’ll have a sober navigator!” She swatted over her shoulder but Beth dodged easily and leaned backwards until Alison’s feet were off the ground and the teen was squealing with laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this chapter we hit the mid-way point. You may have noticed we have a final chapter count now-- 28. The last chapter has been written, roughly, anyway (it's about time, dang).


	15. Chapter 15

Beth and Alison wore matching expressions of horror and confusion. Sarah flexed her jaw furiously and finally gave in, dropped her hands to her sides, and spun for them: a baby blue spaghetti strap tank-top and grey yoga pants, cut off just below her knee. “What the fuck is even happening?” Beth asked, glancing into the house past Sarah and then around and behind her and Alison, “Is— what— I—“

“Shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you, Childs.” Sarah stepped back into the house, opening the door farther to let them in.

In the living room, a tv was paused mid-pose: a yoga instructor was laying on her back, feet flat, arms straight down, with her hips and back completely off the floor— holding all her weight on her shoulder blades.

“Half Wheel.” Alison whispered, eyes wide and taking in the sight.

The coffee table had been moved to make room for the four mats spread out on the floor. Helena grunted, still holding the position to the best of her ability, but wobbling. She wore an outfit nearly identical to Sarah’s (except her shirt was purple and had, what appeared to be, a mustard stain down the front). Tony’s weight gave out under him and he flopped down to his back; he wore sweat bands around his forehead and wrists, black basketball shorts, and a grey school hoody with the sleeves ripped off— thin and hole-ridden from a million washes. Felix was cross-legged on the third mat, shirtless, but in the same pants as his sisters. He had the soles of his feet tucked up onto his lap, turned to the ceiling and his middle fingertips pressed to his thumbs. He was ‘ohm’-ing, one eye peeked open at his phone nestled conspicuously in the tangle of his long legs.

Beth had yet to find her words. Sarah brushed past her and stomped barefoot through the living room, rattling the furniture and decoration as she passed, knocking Helena over with a shove on her way to the kitchen. “What did you want, then?” She grumbled over her shoulder.

“Uh,” Beth stepped lightly over strewn bodies, gingerly making her way after Sarah.

“It’s…fucking, court-ordered, you twat.” The punk spat over her shoulder.

Foster-mother-of-three, Siobhan Sadler, was leaning against the kitchen counter and sipping a cup of tea with a bemused expression. “The judge thinks it’ll calm her. I’m still not so sure.” She muttered in Beth and Alison’s direction.

Helena came shuffling in behind them, reaching with grabby hands for the little biscuit-cookies Ms. S had set out next to the tea. S eyed her warily and she slinked off with a mouthful and an apologetic expression. Beth couldn’t help but notice the angry keloid scars vicious and deep where Helena’s back and shoulders were uncovered, like the few that were dotted across the blonde’s face.

Sarah poured herself a cup of tea and turned to face them, hips back against the counter, one arm crossed over her chest, the other holding her drink out in front of her. She blew gently on the liquid to cool it. “Come to knock me out? I’m a bit busy— Nirvana-bound at the moment, yeah? It’d be best if you’d just come back later.”

Alison elbowed Beth in the ribs and Beth cleared her throat, “Right, yes. Uh.” She shook her head, holding her hands up, “I wanted to apologize for the things I said to you at lunch today.”

One eyebrow darted up Sarah’s forehead and she blew again over the tea’s surface.

Beth sighed, breaking. “Sarah, I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I felt scared and helpless and I needed someone to be angry at. It was easier to be mad at you than it was to be mad at myself.”

Sarah took a swallow and set the cup down gently on the counter behind her before turning and walking right between Beth and Alison, thwacking Beth square in the chest as she passed them and moved into the living room. “Right then, feel like doing some stupid yoga?”

Helena chirped from her mat, “I like yoga. You like yoga too, Sarah.”

“Shut it, Meathead.” And Sarah was pushing Helena to the ground with a foot on her face.

Alison’s fingers were pressed tightly to her jaw, the muscles of which were visibly flexing and relaxing rapidly. “I hate yoga,” she whispered to Beth.

***

“Well, as quick to anger as Sarah is, she seems just as quick to forgive.” Alison thought out loud, steering the car into Beth’s apartment complex. “That’s good.”

“Yeah,” Beth said, “she and Cosima are similar that way.”

Alison glanced over at her, “Cosima seems like the most level-headed of all of you.”

“You don’t know Cos. She can go from 0 to Bitch in like two seconds flat.” Beth shrugged, “Delphine is the calm one. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her mad about anything.”

Alison’s face lit up and she turned flashing eyes in Beth’s direction, “I have!”

“What?!” Beth adjusted in the passenger’s seat to fully face Alison.

“Yeah!” Alison laughed, thinking back, “Rachel said something about Cosima, I can’t remember what it was, I don’t think it was really that mean, honestly. It was just a week or so before you got here.” She fell into further laughter, banging her hand against the steering wheel, “Angry Delphine is pretty terrifying, Cosima had to pull her away.” She shook her head at the memory, still smiling, “Sarah just punched her right in the face after they left.”

“Oh man.” Beth’s eyes were saucers, “Rachel lives dangerously.”

Alison’s jovial laugh faded into an almost sad one, “Rachel lives to make Sarah angry.”

They rolled through the apartment complex slowly, Beth’s eyes fluttering closed as they approached her building. She knew what was waiting for her inside: her mother’s imposition, begging, and her father’s pleading eyes. “I’m not looking forward to this.” She swallowed against the ache in her throat. Alison stopped the station wagon in front of the concrete steps, leaning over to kiss her goodbye. Their lips were slow and lazy, and Beth melted into the short presses. Alison had only pulled back enough for her brown eyes to focus on the other girl’s, but Beth fisted Alison’s shirt and pulled her over the console, whispering against her lips through a sad smile, “Please don’t stop yet. Just one more minute.”

She could feel Alison’s breath catch against her mouth, a sigh filled with emotion Beth couldn’t see through closed eyes. Alison met her lips again, firmer this time, and joined by a hand cupping her neck and jaw. Beth thought a tear might have escaped despite her desperation to hold them back. If one did, Alison didn’t show any indication of noticing it— just held her steady and gently coaxed her open, her tongue comforting against the sharp of Beth’s teeth and the slight chap of her lip.

Beth’s stress washed from her with the sweet pressure of Alison’s kiss. The short girl’s free hand came up to brush knuckles softly against the underside of Beth’s chin, urging her forward. She leaned deeper into Alison, their tongues meeting in her mouth, her fists relaxed and she released Alison’s shirt, sliding her hands up over Alison’s shoulders to squeeze them gently before continuing with one hand to hold the back of her neck.

Alison pulled back slowly, their eyelashes fluttering open in sync. “Do you want me to come in with you? I’m excellent at running interference.” She offered, her voice a whisper.

Beth shook her head and pulled Alison back into her, damning the console for forcing so much space between them. Gentle pecks, noses bumping, foreheads meeting, Beth swallowed and finally let Alison go. They sat in silence for a few minutes, tracing each other’s fingers and the lines of their palms with fingertips that weren’t ready to pull apart quite yet.

“I should go.” Beth said, her voice hoarse with the strain of forcing her tears down. She sniffed and brushed her nose with the back of her hand. “I managed to avoid my mom last night, but I should probably face the music at some point.”

Alison nodded and dipped her head to kiss the inside of Beth’s wrist. “Walk away if it gets bad, Beth. Just text and I’ll meet you at the park.”

Beth nodded and pressed a lingering kiss to Alison’s cheek before climbing out of the car. The walk to the front door was quick, but the one down the hall was longer, and by the time she fit her key into the lock each second felt like an eternity. She opened the door and found her father sprawled on the couch with a plate of half-eaten spaghetti in his lap, watching a video he’d taken from the sidelines of a Beltmore home-game two years ago. Sometimes she thought he was living in the past more than she was.

“Hey, Dad.”

He looked up at her and smiled, “Are you hungry?”

“No,” she said, glancing around the living room, searching.

His smile disappeared. “She left,” he said seriously, looking away from her to poke at his pasta, “early this morning.” He shoved a forkful in his mouth.

“Willingly?” She dropped her bag to the floor and toed out of her Chucks.

His silence was all she needed. She wondered how long her mother had made it after the meeting before wandering into a convenience store (maybe even Alison’s gas station). “Beth, I’m sorry for letting her come. I should have talked to you about it first. I—“ he sighed, “I knew you wouldn’t have agreed. I thought if you saw that she was sober you’d be more willing to sit down with her.”

She scratched her jaw, shaking her head slightly and shrugging, unable to make eye contact.

They stayed that way, silent, for some time before he spoke again. “This was a good game.” He pointed at the tv with the tines of his fork.

She turned her attention to the tv, struggling to remember the details. After a few minutes of watching it came back to her, it was her first game back after recovering from the knee injury Angela DeAngelis had left her with. “We lost.”

He grunted an affirmation, “But it was a good game. You played well.”

She sighed and walked to sit next to him, curling her socked toes around the lip of the coffee table.

“You were two down in the first fifteen minutes, but even when the rest of your team was ready to give up, you rallied. Managed a goal in the 80th— beautiful header, keeper didn’t stand a chance.”

She nodded, she remembered.

“You’ve always been that way, Beth. No matter how bad the hand you’re drawn, no matter how the chips are stacked against you,” he shook his head and poked around at his dinner some more, “you fight until the end. You make something good out of it.”

She closed her eyes and pulled her arms inside of her shirt. She laid down on her side, resting her head on the arm of the couch and tucking her feet between the cushions to warm them.

“Hey,” he clapped a hand on her hip. She opened her eyes and turned her head to look at him. “Alison’s parents seemed nice.” She grunted and turned her gaze back to the tv. “You should bring her around sometime, I’d like to get to know her.”

She couldn’t help the chuckle that rolled through her ribcage, she pushed herself off the couch and walked towards her room, shaking his shoulder gently as she passed, muttering: “Not a chance in hell, Dad.”

***

In bed that night she pressed her feet into the mattress until she felt the springs give, bowing her back and pressing her hips up, craning her neck. _Half wheel._

_“Yoga is supposed to clear out the negativity in your body.”_

_“There’s no negativity in my body, Mom.”_

_“Well, there’s plenty in mine. Sit, sit, do this with me, Beth.”_

Beth sighed and dropped back down flat on her back. She tried to make out the cracks in her ceiling but her vision was spotted with the strain of holding the pose and the blur of darkness. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

_“Straighten out your arms, Elizabeth. Christ, if you’re not even going to try you might as well just stop.”_

She rolled onto her side and reached for her phone: 12.30am. If she didn’t have school in the morning she’d probably go for a jog. She had to do something to get out of her head. She let out a shaky breath and texted Alison, ‘You up?’

Beth curled up on her side, folding her pillows under her head, cradling her phone in her arms. She finally drifted off waiting for Alison’s response.

5.33am- ’Sorry, I was asleep. Is everything okay?’

Beth rubbed the sleep from her eyes: 7am. She swiped her thumb across her screen to silence the blaring alarm coming from her phone. She’d missed Alison’s text. ‘I just couldn’t sleep.’ Beth thumbed her reply and hit send. She sat up and stretched, enjoying the cool morning air creeping in through her cracked window. The floor was icy under her toes when she hopped from foot to foot to the bathroom. She didn’t have time for a shower but she wanted one. She’d likely make it to school much earlier if she had any class but math to look forward to first period.

She hoisted herself up onto the sink and scrolled down her tumblr dash while she chewed on the bristles of her worn toothbrush, waiting for the shower to warm up; four likes and three reblogs later, the air in the bathroom was sticky and warm. She slid from the counter and spat white foam into the sink, running her toothbrush under the water felt like an icy blast in the growing tropical atmosphere of the bathroom.

She tried to keep her shower short, but the spray melted away the tension in her shoulders and upper back and it was a hard fight to turn off the water and step out into the foggy bathroom. There was a message written on the mirror in her mother’s loopy handwriting: ‘LOVE YOU’.

Beth eyed it for a few beats, reaching out for the condensation with shaking fingers— her touch left it’s own mark on the mirror. She laid her palm flat against it and wiped the message away with barely contained fury.


	16. Chapter 16

Cosima twisted in her seat as soon as Beth sat down in calculus the next morning, “Dude, Delphine wants to go on a double date and Felix and Tony never want to do anything but make out in movie theaters.”

“You love making out in movie theaters.” Beth said seriously, unzipping her backpack and pulling out her book.

Cosima’s eyes went glassy (glassier, she was clearly still buzzed from her morning toke), and a happy smile tweaked the corner of her lips. “Mm, you don’t lie.” She blinked to clear her mind, “But what Delphine wants, Delphine gets. When you eat pussy like that girl does,” her hands splayed in veneration, shaking her bowed head as if she were feeling the holy spirit, dreads swaying heavily, “seriously, whatever she wants.”

“Yeah, I’ll text Alison. Does she have anything particular in mind?” Beth said around the pen she held between her lips while she flipped through her notes.

“There is a carnival that starts tomorrow and runs until Sunday.”

Beth nodded and fished her phone from her pocket, navigating to she and Alison’s conversation: ‘Double date with Cos and Delphine? Carnival?’

“Done,” she said, “she adamantly refuses to text in class so I’ll let you know at lunch.”

Cosima nodded and turned back to face the front, but she’d barely made it before she spun back around, “Beth!” She hissed, “I fucking forgot about your mom, man, what’s going on?”

“She’s gone.” Beth said shortly and started copying the equation off the board.

Cosima’s lips formed an ‘o’, eyebrows high, and she turned quietly back to her papers.

When the bell rang they left class together, Cosima linking a heavily-bangled arm through Beth’s. They didn’t get far before Alison rounded the corner and caught them, a wide grin on her face. “A double date?”— was all she said, a bit out of breath.

“You’re game then?” Cosima asked.

“Very game.” Alison said, reaching out for Beth’s Cosima-free hand.

Beth pulled it up to kiss her knuckles, “Sweet. We have rehearsals on Thursday and Saturday and shows all weekend. Right?” She turned to Alison.

“Right. And I have practice tonight, tomorrow, Thursday, and Sunday, but as long as Rachel doesn’t keep us for extra drills we should be done by five. We have a big match coming up against West, there’ll be scouts watching.”

Cosima’s eyes were rolling in her head while she tried to sort out the time-table. “Yeahhhhh, we’ll figure it out.” She waved it off, physically clearing her mental workspace of the jumbled mess. They entered an intersection of hallways and Cosima pointed, “I’m that way.” She spun to face them as she backed down the hall, shooting them with gun-fingers, “Lunch, ladies, lunch!”

“Don’t you have French first hour?” Beth asked when Cosima was gone, stopping to lean against the wall, pulling Alison against her. The shorter girl nodded. “That’s two floors down.” Another nod. “And you have English next?” Another. “Which is also two floors down.”

“Are you’re leading to the question ‘did you run up four flights of stairs just to agree to a double date?’ “

Beth smiled, “I am.”

“Then, in answer to your question: yes, I did.” Alison’s tongue poked from between her teeth. “With the added benefit of seeing you.”

“Kissing me.” Beth nodded, correcting her.

“Kissing you.” Alison bobbed her head in time with Beth’s.

They pecked their lips together.

Alison turned back towards the stairs, pulling Beth along by the hand. “You have Psych?”

“Yep. Looks like we’re going the same way.” They shared a smile and took the steps two at a time.

They were nearly to Alison’s class when the bell rang, the smaller girl broke into a run, tugging Beth behind her. “Hurry, hurry!”

“You’re already late, why are we running?!” Beth let herself be dragged to the door. Alison spun sharply until their lips were pressed tightly together.

“I’ll see you at lunch.” And she was gone.

Beth shook her head clear, “Yeah, see ya,” she said to the empty air. She chuckled and adjusted the weight of her bag, continuing down the hall to her psychology class.

The hallways felt haunted without the echoing of shouting voices, like the floors and walls had long forgotten what it was like to be empty. In the silence, the familiarity of Delphine’s rolling accent was caught easily from behind a nearby door, “We need to talk to everyone!” Her voice quieted, “I know this is hard…but they deserve to know.”

“They _deserve to know_?! What is that going to accomplish, huh?!” The other voice was certainly Cosima’s, she was angry, just a breath from screaming— a sharp contrast to the playfulness of just minutes before.

“You need s—“

“No! You don’t get to tell me what I need. Telling Sarah? Beth and Tony? What good is that going to do?”

Delphine’s next words were a whisper and Beth had to scoot closer to the door to hear. It was in vain, she could barely make out bits and pieces, “Cosima, we— don’t — alone. That — saying.”

An agitated scoff, Cosima’s voice was clear, “That’s not what you’re saying and you know it. This isn’t about _us_.”

“You are right, it’s not. It is about you, it is _all_ about you. That is exactly what you want, isn’t it?”

There was a heavy bang, a thud followed by a choked sob, Beth wasn’t sure who it came from. It was Cosima next muffled by the door, “Yeah, it is. Just leave me alone.”

“Please think about this, mon amour, it doesn’t have to be this way.”

Another bang, a fluttering of papers, Cosima let out a hoarse roar— “Get out!”

“If you want to shut everyone else out, fine. But you will not do this to me. Do you hear me? You _will not_.” Beth thought she heard a heavy sigh, “Pull yourself together, Cosima.” She dodged out of the way and turned her back as Delphine came barging from the door, stalking off in the opposite direction with long, powerful strides.

She’d left the door cracked open in her rush. Beth let out the breath she was holding and glanced around the edge of it. Cosima was alone in the empty classroom, seated at a desk with her head in her visibly trembling hands. Beth worried the inside of her cheek and darted across the opening, making her way past undetected.

***

“Oi oi,” Sarah, alone at their usual table, greeted Beth and Alison as they approached. Her words were trained at the pair, but her eyes tracked movement behind them.

Beth sighed, following Sarah’s line-of-sight over her shoulder. Sure enough— Rachel Duncan was polishing an apple against her blouse, her cold gaze honed on the teens like a hawk.

“Hi, Sarah.” Alison chirped, sitting across from the punk, completely unaware of the intense power-struggle playing out around her. Beth wished she could be so lucky.

Sarah finally pulled her eyes from Rachel, “You sitting here today, Alison?” Confusion and excited intrigue painted her features, brows high and tongue busy in her mouth.

“Oh,” Alison smiled and straightened in her chair, “I shouldn’t, I have bus assignments to plan with Rachel for our game next week.” She fished a brightly colored sheet of paper from her binder, “I just brought Cosima a written schedule for the next few days,” she held it up— a drawn chart color-coded with multiple shades of highlighter. “We’re going on a double-date, but Beth and I have after-school activities.”

Sarah’s lips twitched in a cruel grin and she glanced at Beth, who was finally turning her attention from Rachel. “Color-coded chart,” she explained, pointing to it.

“Yeah, I know what it is, Sarah.” Beth said, and she could feel Rachel moving closer— a shark in chummy waters, sniffing out the weak and bloodied. She dropped her plate down unceremoniously onto the lunch table, the greasy slice of pizza nearly falling off on impact.

“You’re green,” Sarah inspected the sheet more closely and grinned up at her. The punk’s eyes flicked over Beth’s shoulder and she knew Rachel was upon them.

“What’s the matter, Elizabeth?” The razor-sharp girl was close enough for Beth to feel a warm breath against the nape of her neck. She tensed instantly. “Did you need something to…drink?” Beth’s jaw clenched tightly as Rachel reached around her, setting a bottle of coke on the table next to her plate.

Sarah’s rusty eyes were blazing, staring Rachel down. The posh girl smiled sweetly, “Let’s go Alison, the seating arrangements for the busses need to be sorted.”

It took a beat, but Alison glanced up at Beth. Beth reached out and took the schedule, “Go ahead, Ali. I’ll make sure Cos gets this.”

Sarah’s brow furrowed and her teeth gnashed as Alison stood and followed Rachel, “Beth what the fuck,” she growled under her breath. And before Beth could stop her, the punk was standing, spinning, voice loud and warning, “Alison can sit wherever she wants, Rachel.”

The gentle click of Rachel’s heels stopped and she spun slowly back to face them, “We have work to do, Sarah.”

“Yeah, well, she’s got business here. We’ll send her over when she’s done.

Rachel’s eyes narrowed and she strode closer, “I’d rather she not associate with you after last weekend, it took days for her to sweat all of your cheap vodka out of her system.”

Beth grabbed Sarah’s shoulders before the girl could lunge. “We don’t have to do this, Rachel,” Beth eyed her warily around Sarah’s head.

Sarah spun and shoved Beth back a step, “You’re going to leave me to stand up for your girlfriend, you twat?”

Rachel chuckled, crossing her arms, “Yes, _Beth_ , after Sarah’s betrayal you’re going to leave _her_ to defend Alison’s honor alone?”

“Betrayal?” Sarah’s eyes flashed from Beth to Rachel and back again, “Whassat, then?” After a few beats of silence, she spoke again, her voice booming when realization struck, “You’re still mad about that fucking party?!” Sarah’s eyes were bloody and wild as the rest of their group approached, led by Tony and Felix’s hurried steps.

Rachel spoke again, smug, “Of course she is, after you threw all of her past failures in her face. What a disgraceful slap in the face to someone you call a friend.”

Rachel’s words gave Sarah pause, knocking the punk back a half-step. “What’s she talking about?” She asked Beth, her voice was hushed and full of surprise.

Beth lifted her hands, mouth open to talk Sarah down. Tony came to stand between them but Rachel was moving, the clack-clack-clack of her heels mirrored the increasing thump of Beth’s heartbeat. Smooth English cut in before Beth could speak, “It was awfully terrible of you to get her girlfriend drunk, what with Beth losing her sterling football career to the bottle.” Off Sarah’s pained glower, she continued, “Wrapped her car around a tree, I hear they asked her to leave with nothing but the game-ball from her last match.” After a beat— “Is that true, Elizabeth?”

Tony snapped at Rachel, “It’s more complicated than that, Rachel, why don’t you m—“

“Wait, what?!” Sarah roared, turning on Tony, Rachel forgotten. “You knew about this?!”

“It’s not complicated,” Rachel said cooly, “Beth should be playing for the Women’s National Team this year, but she’s not…because she’s here.” She just slithered around them with a satisfied chuckle, “She’s lost everything.” White-tipped fingers trailed affectionately across the back of Sarah’s shoulders as she walked past, her heels ever-violent against the linoleum.

Alison was at Beth’s side in a flash, but sharp eyes slowed her steps, “Alison, go. Now.” Beth’s voice was stony, “Don’t give Rachel a reason to bench you, this game is your shot.” When Alison didn’t immediately turn to leave, Beth hissed at her, “Don’t lose everything.”

“You guys alright?” Cosima asked, quietly edging her way into the fray. Sarah wouldn’t meet Beth’s eyes.

The punk sniffed and snubbed her nose with the back of her hand, “Was that all true?”

Beth sighed, “Yes, bu—“

“Don’t.” She shook her head, turning to Tony, “And you knew?” A silence fell over the group, Sarah’s rage rising with it. “All of you knew? Everyone but me, is it?”

Helena’s voice was clear, “She needs it, like us, Sestra,” she had her body pressed to Sarah’s back. She tried to tangle their fingers together but found her jaw full of Sarah’s angry elbow, pushing the blonde back with a roll of her shoulder.

Sarah glanced back at Helena, clocking her words before turning and pointing an angry finger in Beth’s direction, “You’re an alcoholic? You didn’t think to say anything? We don’t keep fucking secrets, alright? It doesn’t work like that. What’d you think I’d fucking…pressure you or some shit?”

“Sarah, it’s okay to keep things to yourself sometimes,” Cosima said, perhaps too quietly for Sarah to hear. Delphine reached for her silently.

Beth took a step closer, arms outstretched, but Sarah smacked them away. Beth could have sworn Sarah’s eyes were filling with tears, “You just forgot to mention it? After I told you all that shite about Helena? Beth?!” When the first tear dropped it snapped something loose inside the punk and she was launching herself forward— closed fist, short swing, all of her weight behind her shoulder.

Beth felt Sarah’s fist connect with her jaw, the pain shot up into her ear and eye, down into her neck and faded out across her collarbones. There was a flurry of movement and Helena was between them, furious red-rimmed eyes training briefly on Beth. Cosima stepped in and grabbed the front of Beth’s shirt, her ringed fingers grasping desperately. Past Cosima’s worried eyes she could see Sarah scrambling against Helena’s strong hold. Beth’s mouth was full of hot metal washing over her tongue, and she was fighting against Cosima, rage building with every moment staring across the canyon into Sarah’s spitting eyes.

The tattooed teen was lacking the strength necessary to hold Beth back, pushing all of her weight into the struggle. Tony’s strong hands found Beth shoulders, his muscle easing Cosima’s work, “Fee, maybe get her the fuck out of here before the teachers show up?”

Felix moved between them, blocking their view of each other, “Helena, let’s go. Come on.” He waved Helena and Sarah towards the entrance of the lunchroom. Slack-jawed students parted, some cheering, some laughing, some in silent shock. Regardless, every eye in the room was on them.

***

Alison was skipping class for the second time in her life. Beth sat on the edge of the ice bath, her legs straddling the empty bin. She wiped tears from her cheeks and tried to stretch her swollen jaw.

“She hit you hard, that’s for sure,” Alison leaned closer, ice pack in hand, and touched the cold gently to Beth’s mouth. She winced empathetically at Beth’s flinch.

“I deserved it.” Beth pushed the ice pack away and spat the last traces of blood into the bath bucket, pink-tinged saliva standing prominent against its white bottom.

Alison frowned and traced her fingers down the quickly bruising flesh, “You didn’t deserve this.”

“She told me things, Alison…she told me things that I don’t think she’s told many people,” Beth sighed, “and I repaid the kindness by hiding things from her. I deserve everything I get.”

“Rachel—“

“Don’t say her name, please, I can’t fucking hear it right now.” Beth groaned and dropped her head to the edge of the cool tub. The blood pooling in her jaw rushed against her ears, pulsing steadily. “I know she’s your friend, Ali, but Christ I’m going to kill her.”

Alison glanced up towards the ceiling, “I’m sorry. This is all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, Alison, it’s fucking Rachel. It’s Rachel and Sarah and their—“ she waved her hand noncommittally, “whatever— vaguely homoerotic violence fetishes.” Beth shook her head and looked up to make eye contact. “That’s what all this is, right?”

Alison chewed her lip, “I don’t know.” She took a deep breath, “I don’t think it’s that simple.”

“What do you mean?” Beth pulled Alison closer, using her shoulder as a headrest for her undamaged cheek.

Alison sighed and shook her head. “I’d rather not get into it.”

Beth just nodded, her lips brushing against the hollow of Alison’s neck. “Did Sarah show up for gym?”

“No, no Sarah, no Helena, no Tony.”

Beth sighed. “They’re probably out behind the gym.”

“Do you want to go back there and talk to them?”

Beth pulled back and chuckled through the pain in her mouth, “Not really looking to get a matching set,” she tapped at her good cheek.

Alison smiled sadly, “Probably a good idea.” She turned to the ice chest and replaced the melting pack with a fresh one. She knelt at Beth’s side, looking up with worried eyes, “Are things going to be okay, with you and Sarah?”

“Things are only ever briefly okay between Sarah and me.” Beth shrugged. “I think I should just bow out. Helena fucking hates me now, Tony will stay loyal to Felix,” she shook her head. “I guess I can probably stay friends with Cosima and Delphine.”

“You don’t think Sarah will—“

“Cosima won’t take any of Sarah’s shit. If she wants to be friends with me she will be.” She reached for the ice pack and pressed it to her jaw, “Sarah will throw a fit and Cos will shut her down.”

Alison leaned forward on her toes until her knees were pressed tight against the tub on either side of Beth’s dangling leg. With a soft touch she pulled Beth’s tender jaw towards her to close the distance between them, gently brushing her lips against Beth’s.

“I should have just been honest with her.” Beth sighed into the kiss, returning it after a beat.

Alison nodded, “Why weren’t you?” She kissed Beth once more, careful of the swelling.

Beth shrugged, “I don’t know. I wanted to start over clean, fresh-slate. Cosima is the only person I actually told. Everyone else just…figured it out.”

“I think we should go and see if they’re out back. I think you should talk to Sarah.”

“You just think I’d look cute with two puffy cheeks.”

Alison chuckled quietly, “No, I think you’d look cuter with your friends supporting you than you do crying into an empty ice bath in the trainer’s office.”

“Yeah?”

Alison nodded, her fingers trailing against the edge of the bath, “You know, your first day? I had to practically carry Rachel in here.” She tapped the white plastic with blunt nails, and smiled fondly at the memory.

Beth frowned, “Really?”

“Rachel takes the game very seriously, Beth. You showing up on our doorstep…” she shook her head, “she saw her career flash before her eyes. She’d spent years studying your games, not just you, of course, but still,” a deep breath, “she loves this game more than anything. It’s all she has. You’re a threat to that.”

“I’m not a threat, Ali, you know that.” Beth trailed her fingers over the contours of Alison’s neck.

“I know that,” Alison nodded, “but Rachel still sees you in that red kit. She’s dreamed of a call-up her whole life.” She stood, offering a hand to help Beth to her feet. “We saw you once, maybe two years ago, at a National camp— her eyes lit up when she watched your practice game.”

Beth sighed, accepting the help to stand. “Things could have been so different between us. What happened?”

Alison laughed, answering immediately, “She saw you with Sarah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two (count 'em, TWO) one-shots for this chapter. But one is very very short. The shorty is set immediately after the fight when Alison follows Rachel from the cafeteria, and the other is set several years in the past.


	17. Chapter 17

Sarah, Helena, and Tony were leaning against the brick of the building when Beth and Alison rounded the corner. Sarah coughed out a cloud of smoke and shifted her weight, but before she could speak Beth held out her hands in surrender, “I’m not here to fight, Sarah.” Helena eyed her warily and Beth couldn’t help but notice the coiled strength in the blonde twin’s shoulders. “I wanted to apologize.”

“All you ever do is apologize,” Sarah spat out a bit of ash and handed the small blown-glass pipe to Tony. “It’s cashed,” she muttered to him.

Beth smiled against the pain in her jaw, “Yeah well, Rachel wasn’t wrong— I’m a bit of a fuck up that way.”

They stood quietly for a few beats, the hollow slapping of the pipe against Tony’s palm filled the space. He brushed his hand against his jeans, permanently stained with ash and resin above the right knee. He blew a powerful gust into the pipe and rocked the pad of his thumb on and off the carb. He and Helena stayed quiet in the tension.

Beth shrugged and let her gaze fall on the distant pitch, “I don’t expect you to forgive me, Sarah, but I’d rather not get hit again.”

“I’ll hit you again if you fucking deserve it.” Sarah pushed off the wall and took a step towards Beth, Helena’s movements matched her sister’s exactly.

Beth steeled herself for impact and gently nudged Alison away, “I’ll try not to deserve it then.” Sarah’s fists were clenching and unclenching, but she made no further motions to press into Beth’s space.

Cosima and Delphine strode around the corner, bubbling with carefree laughter. Delphine dragged Felix along behind them with her long fingers tangled between his. “Happy afternoon, kids!” Cosima cheered, ignoring the obvious weight in the air. She brushed past them, moving directly between Sarah and Beth, pulling Delphine and then Felix through the gap.

Sarah stepped back as their flurry passed. She grumbled something unintelligible and leaned against the wall again.

Tony offered the freshly loaded pipe to Cosima who produced a lighter and a joint from her visible cleavage, “You’ve got to stop bringing that nasty smelly thing, man. Everyone can tell you’re carrying it around, you’re going to get busted.”

Tony just shrugged and fished a piece of crumpled tin foil from his pocket, handing it to Felix to flatten out. “Sometimes I need a hit when you’re not around,” he flashed Cosima a fangy grin, “a boy has to have a backup plan.”

Delphine lit a cigarette and squinted through the smoke to eye Beth and Alison, “Are we still on for the carnival?”

Alison nodded furiously, “Did you get the—“

“The color-coded chart detailing both of your schedules?” Cosima laughed, “Yeah, I got it. Thanks. Very helpful.” She ribbed, though her voice was nothing but sincere.

Alison looked away to hide the blush creeping up her cheeks.

Delphine nodded, “Tonight works for all of us, if your practice doesn’t run late, Alison. If it does, we can try for tomorrow?”

“You’re going on a double-date without us?” Felix asked, mock-offended, hand to his chest, fingertips slipping through the thick holes in the mesh of his undershirt. Tony laughed and slapped the boy on the back, “Maybe they’re looking for a little less dick.”

“Or maybe we’re looking for a little more date and a little less rutting in the car.” Cosima side-eyed them.

Felix huffed, still dragging out his performance, “I didn’t say anything when you two ‘rutted’ in my bed.” He took the pipe from Tony’s hand and wrapped the bowl in the newly unwrinkled foil, molding it to shape and sliding it down into Tony’s pocket.

Cosima held up a stern finger and the afternoon sunlight glinted of her heavy silver jewelry. Her voice was lacking the playful tinge that Felix’s was, “Hey, I will not apologize for my heart.”

“S’not your heart I’m worried about, it’s your lesbian…” he swirled both hands disgustedly towards the apex of her thighs, “whatever you have going on.” Delphine bit her lip to stifle a laugh and tugged Cosima back by her shoulders, soothing her with French giggled into the cup of her ear, too quiet for Beth to make out.

***

The air was crisp but the sun was beating down on the bleachers and Beth’s shoulders, she squinted against it to spot Alison on the pitch. While the rest of the squad were occupied with dribbling drills, Rachel and Alison were playing keepie uppies. She could see their mouths moving but the only thing she could hear was the stuffy ringing in her left ear and the hot breeze blowing against her right. Beth had long lost count of the number of touches between them, but the ball hadn’t hit the ground once. And it wouldn’t— Rachel stepped away to speak to the rest of the group and Alison caught the ball in the air.

Beth had attended more than a few practices and she’d noticed that whenever Rachel was speaking every single teen had their eyes on her, no one fiddled with their practice jerseys, no one toed their balls or stomped the grass. She took a few steps back and turned to Alison, nodding once and taking off like lightning towards the box. Alison jogged back a few paces and kicked the ball so it sliced through the air towards the goal. Without the slightest glance towards the ball, Rachel positioned herself under it. With a short hop into the air she made contact and redirected it between the posts. It was a showy move, impractical and roguish, a statement trick— and a testament to the years she and Alison had spent together. It dawned on Beth in that moment that Rachel could never get away with benching Alison, that every implied warning had been nothing more than a desperate bluff. The blonde turned and addressed the group again as Alison ran past her to fish out the ball. After a few more words Rachel gestured towards the net and turned away, walking towards the bleachers. Alison followed, ball in hand. The squad separated into groups and began running headers into the net.

They stopped at the foot of the stands, Rachel squirting water into her mouth and offering the bottle to Alison who grinned up at Beth and waved while she took a drink. Rachel spoke quietly, Beth caught only pieces of the conversation— dead sprints and stand-still jumps, scrimmages, set pieces and the busses, the trip across town to play Toronto West. Alison nodded and rested a boot on the bottom row of the bleachers, adjusting her shinguard.

Rachel’s eyes turned to Beth and Alison’s followed. Beth didn’t catch Rachel’s clipped words, but the blonde quickly turned and jogged back out onto the field. Alison waved Beth down, not wanting to scrabble against the metal with her cleats. Beth made her way down the stands and met Alison’s tilted jaw with a quick kiss. “What’d she say?”

“She’s running us late. She wants to get a practice match in before we go home.”

Beth sat at the bottom of the bleachers and sighed, tugging at Alison’s knee until the sweaty teen had her studs resting gently on Beth’s thigh, digging into soft flesh. “I’ll text Cos.” Beth adjusted Alison’s shinguard and untangled her laces, shifting the boot against Alison’s heel.

Alison frowned, “I’m sorry, Beth.”

She shook her head, “No, don’t be. Rachel’s right,” she gestured across the pitch at girls fumbling to hit their marks, “you guys are kind of a mess out there.” She tightened the laces and re-tied Alison’s boot. She knocked Alison’s foot to the ground and leaned over to check her other.

“It’s nerves, we’re almost all juniors and seniors— everyone is worried about the scouts.”

Beth nodded, meeting Alison’s eyes before she spoke again, “Are you? Worried about the scouts?”

“Yes,” Alison didn’t bother lying, just nodded her head.

Beth slid a hand around to cup Alison’s neck and squeezed the muscles there gently. “You and Rachel play frighteningly well together; Rachel knows that, she’s not stupid. All this time you’ve been so worried she’d bench you over the littlest thing. She couldn’t, Alison, you make her look really good.”

Alison glanced over at Rachel who was moving the team into a passing drill. “She makes me look good too.”

Beth nodded and let out a breath filled with the anger and stress of the day. Alison smiled sadly and kissed Beth’s cheek before trotting back out to Rachel’s side.

***

Her father’s face went through a series of emotions in rapid succession when she walked through the door. He hurriedly excused himself from his phone call and stood from the couch, making his way to her side before she’d managed to get her shoes off. “Jesus Christ, Beth, what happened?” He had her right cheek in his hand, thumb tucked under her chin to tilt her jaw into the light coming from over his shoulder.

“I got into a bit of a fight.”

His brow furrowed, “Yeah, I see that. Are you alright?”

She nodded as best she could with his sturdy grip on her face, “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just a bruise.”

“Just a bruise now, it’s going to be ugly tomorrow.” He released her, “Get in the bathroom so I can take a better look at that.”

She nodded again and moved around him, glancing over her shoulder once she’d passed to see him covering his face with both hands, shoulders sagging in a heavy sigh. She worried the inside of her cheek with her teeth and made her way into the bathroom, flipping the light switch and hopping up onto the sink.

He came in a minute later, a medium-sized red roll-up bag in his hands. She recognized it as his old first-aid kit, the one he’d used as a paramedic, the one he’d used to mend her childhood scraped knees and bee stings. “I don’t think you’re going to need that,” she said, “pretty standard knock to the mouth.”

“All knocks to the mouth are serious, Beth.” He had the thing unclipped and unfurled in a practiced motion. Nitrile gloves snapped against his wrists and he was tipping her head back, a finger under her chin. He pulled out a tiny flashlight from a see-through pocket of the kit, shining it up her nose. “You got boogers, kid.”

She huffed air through her nostrils and he pretended to dodge out of the way. They smiled matching smiles— she had his smile, his frown, his expressive eyebrows, the same twitches of his cheeks and mouth, the same nervous ticks, the same powerful stride that started in their forward-leaning shoulders.

“Open,” he moved between her knees and pressed his thumb to her chin, she dropped it, moving her tongue to the right side of her mouth, “Bit your tongue?” She nodded. He shone the flashlight in her mouth, pulling her cheek to the side with a finger, hissing when he saw the gash where Sarah’s fist had split Beth’s cheek open against her molars. “That can’t feel good.” She shook her head. He shone the light around, “Well, your teeth aren’t cracked, so that’s good,” he clicked the flashlight off and on and off and on quickly and dropped it back down into the kit, “do you want to talk about what happened?”

She sighed and shook her head, “No.” His teeth caught the inside of his cheek in a familiar motion that pulled at Beth’s heartstrings, she knew no good feelings ever accompanied the tick— for either of them. She took a deep breath, “It was Sarah.”

“Your new friend, Sarah?” He looked surprised, she nodded. “Is she the one who came over and spilled about your date?” Regaining some confidence, he picked up the light and shone it in her eyes, flicking it in and out of her line of sight.

“Nah, that was Cosima. I don’t think she even knows how to throw a punch. She’s more of a yeller.”

“Was the fight over Alison?”

Her brow furrowed, “No, Dad. It had nothing to do with Alison.”

He shrugged, “I have no idea what’s going on in your life, Beth. You don’t tell me anything anymore.” She blinked, silenced by his truth. Unexpected tears welled in her eyes. She sucked her lip between her teeth and dropped her head forward, burying her face in her father’s chest. “Hey, hey, it’s alright.” His strong arms were around her, holding her tight to him, “I’m trying to learn, alright? I’m working on it. I don’t want to push you, but I want you to know you can come to me. I don’t want there to be secrets here, not like back in Montreal.” Her shoulders shook and she sniffed into his shirt, nodding.

“I’m sorry, Dad.”

“Hush, don’t apologize.” He took her face gingerly in his hands and urged her into eye contact, “You don’t know how to be a kid any more than I know how to be a parent. We’ll learn together.” At her nod he continued, “So, Sarah…did you fuck her up?”

Laughing hurt her face more than crying did, but it was a more cathartic release.

***

Beth couldn’t help the occasional glances Sarah’s way, though the punk never met her gaze for more than a moment before her face scrunched, like her rage was sour and it hurt her cheeks and the sides of her tongue. Sarah’s rage hurt Beth’s jaw, that was certain, she’d shift it, roll it, try to ease the ache and stretch it, but it was still too fresh and the bruise was still darkening.

She dropped onto the grass, onto her knees in supplication, and sat in on the rotation after gym. It was a tactical attempt to cohesively mold back into the group. She wasn’t terribly fond of being high, but she enjoyed smoking pot— the act of it, the fellowship. Laughing hurt her jaw worse than it had the evening before when her dad had spent hours cracking random jokes to keep her mind off of things. Sarah didn’t laugh, just drew heavy from the joint held between angry, crooked, red-purple knuckles, billowed smoke through her nostrils in thick jets.

“What are the odds Rachel is going to let you go tonight?” Cosima asked Alison, passing her the weed.

Alison took it and gave it to Beth without pulling from it, “I actually asked her during lunch if she would be okay with me leaving halfway through practice.”

Beth laughed, kicking back onto her tailbone, the roach tacky against her lips. “What did she say?”

Alison frowned and looked at Beth, “She said it was fine. We’re going to work out a bit longer than usual in the morning to make up for it, and you’re coming with me.” Beth and Tony struggled in their exchange, the joint was burning low and stuck to Beth’s fingertips as she tried to pass it. Alison continued after they were successful, “She’s not the monster you guys make her out to be.”

It wasn’t directed at Sarah, but the punk stood anyway— as graceful as one can from crossed-legs in bulky combat boots. Helena hopped off of her perch on the wall to their left and landed swiftly at her sister’s side. Neither of them spoke, just grabbed their bags and walked off. Sarah glanced over her shoulder, momentarily locking eyes with Beth. She wasn’t sure how to take the expressions Sarah had been passing her so briefly through the day— they were all the same, and all unreadable. Stoic, certainly. Hurt, perhaps. Angry, Beth assumed. She sighed. “I have to work out with you and Rachel?”

Alison eyed her warily, “Do you want to go to the carnival or not?”

From Tony’s lungs to Felix’s and from his to Delphine’s, smoke passed between their nearly-touching lips. Delphine turned and with long fingers coaxed Cosima into a kiss, her chest deflating. When Cosima pulled away she lifted her face to the sky and loosed her breath, a faint trail of smoke left her, airy and barely there. She reached across the circle and took the roach from between Tony’s fingernails. “This this is about done, huh?”

“I’ve got the pipe.” Tony leaned back and kicked his leg out, digging into his pocket.

Cosima shook her head, licking her fingers and snubbing out the joint. “Nah, I’m good. Everyone good?” She glanced up, Beth and Delphine nodded.

“Yeah,” Felix said, “the bell ring like five minutes ago, we should go.”

Alison leaned into Beth and kissed the side of her head, “You’re such a bad influence, I was never late to class before I met you.”

Beth giggled and stood up on wobbly legs, “Yeah, well, you gotta live a little,” she smiled, drug-eased and loose.

Their lips met. “I guess,” Alison said when they parted, grinning. “Where are you going?”

“We’ve got physics,” Cosima slid between them, she an arm around Beth’s waist and led them in the direction of the building’s side exit; they kept it propped open just an inch with a rock. Cosima slipped her fingers into the crack and pulled the door open, gesturing everyone inside with a broad, sweeping bow.

Felix growled playfully, flicking his tongue into Tony’s open mouth, “I’ll see you later, cowboy.” He shoved the shorter teen as they separated and he walked backwards towards his art class.

“We’ve got study hall,” Delphine said, still waving to Felix over her shoulder.

Alison nodded, “But we’ll see you guys later?”

Beth and Cosima nodded, kissing their girlfriends goodbye and stumbling off giddily towards the science wing.

“They are totally baked.” Delphine laughed, pointing at them ricochetting off a wall before finding a clear path down the middle of the hallway and moving into the distance.

“Are we going to talk about Sarah?” Cosima asked, still steadily holding to Beth’s middle.

Beth giggled, “We never talk about anything,” she lifted her hands to the ceiling, “hasn’t anyone noticed that?”

Cosima swallowed a laugh, “Sarah doesn’t talk about anything.”

“And you just do whatever Sarah does?”

The dreadlocked teen shrugged, a noncommittal confirmation (as if to say ‘yes, but does any of it really matter?’). “No, just the stuff that makes sense.”

“You’re the real leader, why don’t you step up and change things?” Beth asked, turning the final corner to their class.

“The leader? Change things?” Cosima chuckled, “We’re not a rough-and-tumble street gang, Beth. We’re just a bunch of friends. And Sarah’s fine, just ignore her.”

Beth reached for the door and held it open while they walked through it in unison. “Just ignore her? I thought you wanted to talk about her.”

“I don’t want to talk about _her_ , I want to talk about _you and her_.”

Their teacher was mid-lecture, glaring at them over his glasses. They broke into giggles, finding their way to their chairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on Cable Car: Beth and Rachel meet on the pitch, Marie Curie makes an appearance (much less sex this time, though), and Alison smokes some pot.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beth agreed to an early morning practice with Rachel and Alison, and in exchange Rachel is letting Alison out of practice early so she and Beth can go on a double date with Cos and Delphine! Sarah recently punched Beth in the fucking face and everyone is awkward and salty! Beth thinks Cosima should lay the law down and usurp Sarah, Game of Thrones style, but Cos would rather smoke weed and chill! And that's what you missed on Glee!

Alison had to press hard on the brake to keep the station wagon in place while she reached as far as she could within the constraints of her seatbelt to unlock the passenger’s door.

“I could have just met you at the school,” Beth slid into the car and shut the door behind her, Chucks on her lap to replace the cleats she’d brought to play in, “it’s not that far.”

“No big deal, we’d have just had to wait for you. Rachel isn’t much for waiting. I’d rather you not get on her bad side at 6am.” Alison waited patiently for Beth to snap her seatbelt into place before kissing her.

Beth grumbled against Alison’s lips, “How are you even awake this early?”

Alison grinned and pecked Beth’s cheek when she turned her head before pulling back and navigating the car out of the apartment complex. “We meet for practice every morning, we always have, I guess I’m used to it.”

Beth groaned, “I’m so not ready for this.”

“No, it’s good, it’s good.” Alison was all smiles, “Everything is going to be wonderful.”

“Are you trying to convince yourself?” Beth chuckled and lifted her backpack over her head, letting it drop heavily into the back seat.

Alison swatted her thigh, “No, I’m not. I know it’s going to be wonderful. You are going to be polite and charming. Rachel is going to be Rachel and—“

“And be a total bitch?”

Alison glared and continued her thought, her tone chastising, “and be focused on the game.” She sighed, “You both live for this, you’ve devoted your lives to the same thing. You’ll get along fine.”

“And everything will be peachy now that Sarah and I aren’t speaking.”

“Well, it certainly won’t hurt.” She pulled the car into a parking spot. Rachel’s car was already nearby— a well-kept mid 2000s German import. Beth came to her full height outside the station wagon, she could see Rachel stretching on the sideline. The girl’s face peaked out from the edges of her sharp blonde bob, one foot planted, her hands on either side, and the other far behind her in a lunge. Alison glanced at her phone before dropping it in her gym bag and zipping it up, “She’s here early.”

“Of course she is, she’s trying to throw us off balance.” Beth grunted and grabbed the ball of the floor of the car, shutting the door and jogging off towards the field a bit faster than was necessary. She threw the ball out in front of her and caught up to it, kicking it along as she ran. Alison sighed and followed at a slow trot.

“Good morning, Rachel.” Alison greeted as they approached.

“Alison…Elizabeth.” Rachel rose to her feet, her eyes locked on Beth’s bruised jaw with a look of interested satisfaction. “Would you like to stretch? I’ve just finished.”

Beth sniffed, but before she could speak Alison gripped her elbow and with a broad nod said, “Yes, go ahead and get started, we’ll be right behind you.” With Rachel out of earshot she turned to Beth and dropped her upper body forward, grabbing her ankles, “I already stretched, I actually had a feeling Rachel might try to make a chess game out of this.”

“I wonder what gave you that idea.” Beth rolled her eyes and dropped unceremoniously to the ground to start warming up.

Alison smiled and stood, lifting her foot and grabbing it behind her back pulling it up towards her butt, “I know you think you’re very smart for identifying this as a power play, Beth, but I’ve known Rachel my whole life— if anyone can beat her at her own game, it’s me.” She swapped feet and stretched for another beat before dropping her leg and dipping to kiss Beth quickly. “Take your time, I’ll go warm her up.”

Beth watched Alison’s retreating back, moving to meet Rachel at the center of the pitch. She sighed and ducked her head to touch her knee. When she came back up the girls were playing keepie uppie, Rachel kneeing the ball Alison’s way. They started up a beautiful back-and-forth, there was no question of who would catch the ball next or with what body part. Alison appeared to know the exact angle Rachel would cant her shoulder at, the precise force she’d use to get the ball across the distance between them, exactly where it would come down. And Rachel knew immediately how Alison would react, moving her body before Alison’s even made contact, she was already prepared for it when the ball headed back her way.

Beth sighed and stood, shaking out her limbs and jogging over to them. Rachel opened her hips surely, catching the ball on the top of the thigh closest to Alison and juggling it to the other before dropping it to her toe, flicking it up without warning to strike it with her forehead in direct line to Beth’s injured face. One graceful step back and Beth softened her chest, letting the ball impact and slide down to the waiting arch of her foot like it was nothing more than a hacky sack. She sprung it up and twisted her knee inward, lifting her heel towards the outside of her hip to knock the falling ball back towards Alison. The ball came in low and fast, but Alison’s reflexes were impressive and she caught it with the laces of her shoe, sending it popping up in the air. If she hadn’t been looking for it, Beth may have missed the tiniest smirk that played out in a microsecond across Rachel’s lips— test one: passed.

The ball went back to Rachel and then again to Alison, the shorter girl seeming to know instinctually when Rachel’d had enough, catching it with her hip and dating to the blonde’s left with it, kicking it along with each stride; she led with Rachel only half a pace behind. Beth watched them for a beat before taking off, the morning wind whipping against her cheeks as she moved to catch up.

***

Alison had been right about playing with Rachel, the blonde had an intense focus. Her tactical mind was certainly of a caliber Beth hadn’t been pitted against in years…ever, really. Their on-pitch sparring was challenging and refreshing and they’d left the locker room with a handshake, Rachel’s grip had been firm and confident, but not tight, not forceful or overpowering.

They’d walked to calculus separately.

Beth ran into Cosima in the hall, “Hey, we never got to finish our conversation yesterday.”

“Our conversationnnn…” Cosima’s eyes squinted behind her glasses, her eyes rolling in her head the way they did when she was searching for some piece of past knowledge.

“About Sarah,” Beth explained.

Cosima frowned, “I guess I didn’t really have anything else to say.”

“I did.” Beth took a detour into the women’s restroom and Cosima followed without prompting. Beth’s bag skittered across the ground and she kicked it the rest of the way under a sink, bending forward to wash her hands. “Why do you let her push everyone around? She listens to you, I’ve seen you take her from 100 to 0 without any retaliation.”

Cosima shrugged, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall behind Beth, maintaining eye contact in the mirror over the sink. “With great power comes—“ off of Beth’s look she sighed and changed her approach— “Because Sarah doesn’t need to be reined in, she’s a person with thoughts and opinions and it’s not my place to shut her down.”

“You don’t think she’s the slightest bit out of control?” Beth flicked water from her fingertips and pushed off the sink with her hips, turning to grab a paper towel.

A sigh, “I think Sarah has a lot of baggage, and a lot of anger, and I th—“

“A lot of anger, exactly,” Beth spun on Cosima, resting her shoulder against the wall opposite the dreadlocked teen. “She’s constantly in the middle of something.”

Cosima threw her hands up, “That’s just Sarah.”

Beth shook her head, “Socking her friends in the face is ‘just Sarah’?”

Cosima slid her fingers under her glasses to pinch the bridge of her nose, “I’ve known Sarah forever, I know how she deals with emotions. You don’t understand her.”

“And that makes hitting people acceptable?”

“Of course not.”

“But?” Beth’s arms fell, exasperated.

“But Sarah doesn’t—“

“Sarah doesn’t have to deal with standards of decency.” Beth cut Cosima off, more than done with their conversation. She scooped her bag off the floor and made her way to class.

They didn’t speak until the hour was up— Cosima spun in her chair to grip Beth’s forearm before she could stand. “Listen, I know you’re struggling with this whole Sarah thing. I’m just trying to tell it like it is. You love Sarah and you learn how Sarah thinks, or you fight with her— those are the options. You have to make that decision for yourself, everyone does.”

“I don’t want to fight with her, but I can’t take a punch every time she throws a fit.”

“Throws a fit?” Cosima’s brows came together sharply, “Beth, try and look at this from any perspective other than your own for five fucking seconds, please? Everyone knew about your recovery— me, Tony, even Helena. Everyone except Sarah. Please imagine how she’s probably feeling?”

Beth sighed and fell back in her chair, tapping at her desk with her fingers, “I guess.”

“And finding out about it through Rachel? That certainly didn’t help your case.” Cosima shook her head, “She told you about Helena, Beth, that’s kind of a big deal. Helena is the most important person in Sarah’s life, she’s the only one Sarah loves more than…well, herself. She probably felt like she gave up a lot of herself and got burned. I’m not saying that excuses hitting you, but maybe don’t act like she’s some wild animal turned loose, yeah?” Cosima kept her eyes on Beth’s for a moment more before standing, gathering her books, and walking out of the room.

Beth bit her lip and craned her neck to find Rachel, packing her things with a deliberate slowness. They made brief eye contact, a single blonde brow twitching upward, red lips pursing so slightly that the motion might have gone unnoticed. Also likely to go unnoticed was the tense flinch that crossed her features as she stood from her desk, the way she shifted her weight too quickly to her right foot.

***

“Do you want to sit with us?” Beth was leaning slightly into Alison’s side as they paid for their lunches, eyeing her usual table warily. “I’m sure Rachel won’t mind.”

“Of course Rachel won’t mind. It’d be a perfect check-mate in this on-going game with Sarah.” Beth pulled at the inside of her cheek, “No, I should go take my place.”

Sarah and Helena had their heads down over their bowls, shoveling milky cereal into wide mouths. Cosima and Tony were in quiet conversation. Felix was folded and tucked in on himself in his smaller boyfriend’s lap, chin draped over Tony’s shoulder, eyes closed and mouth parted slightly; Beth wondered how long he’d been like that.

Delphine came up behind them in line, smiling widely, “Beth, Alison, I’m so excited for tonight!”

Alison spun and offered a one armed hug, “So are we!”

The two girls conversed cheerfully, but Beth heard little of it, shifting uncomfortably while she replayed Cosima’s words: _“Beth, try and look at this from any perspective but your own for five fucking seconds, please?”_ Her words had been quiet, but with that harsh rasp that came from the back of her throat, belaying simmering anger. Beth had only heard that tone a few times before, and never directed at her. She sighed. It was time to face the music.

“Beth, come on,” Delphine’s grip was gentle at her elbow, pulling her along towards the two empty chairs that waited for them. She felt Alison’s hand at her back and nodded, following Delphine to the table.

“Bonjour,” Delphine dipped low, wrapping a hand around Cosima’s neck and pulling her jaw up for a kiss, “what is the topic of conversation today?” She sat, keeping her voice low so as not to wake Felix.

Beth sat as well, quietly stabbing at her salad, eyes darting up to catch Sarah’s. The punk held her gaze for a moment before turning her head to watch Helena eat. Beth sighed and stuffed her mouth full of lettuce.

“Tony is going to change Marie Curie’s oil on Saturday.” Cosima said, nodding her head, Tony nodding in time.

His voice was stern but teasing, “Yeah, you’ve got to do that occasionally. How that thing is still running is beyond me.”

***

“Get in, nerds!” Cosima had her body hanging so far out of the window of her brown van that her foot was slipping off the brake pedal and the hulking beast was creaking forward. Delphine’s hazel eyes widened and she reached across to grab at the steering wheel. Cosima caught her and frowned, slapping her hand away and stepping more firmly on the brake, “I can drive the car Delphine, geez. Don’t be a bitch about it.” She shouted again out into the afternoon sun, “Beth, Alison, com’on!” They’d agreed to meet at the playground after Alison’s short practice, but the girls were nowhere to be seen.

Beth chuckled and brushed her tongue against Alison’s lip one last time before pulling back. Alison groaned in protest and bunched her hands in Beth’s white t-shirt. Beth grunted, trying to twist her body. They’d managed to get themselves stuck in the plastic playground equipment, which had truly seemed larger from the outside. “Push,” she pressed a knee against Alison’s chest. The girl relented, forcing Beth’s knee away from her with both hands. Beth laughed and finally came unstuck, sliding head-first down the cramped yellow slide. Her shirt was tangled up around her ribs and her hair was crackling with static. She waved at Cosima and bowed her back, lifting her hips over her head as she neared the end of the slide. The rubbery toe-cap of her Chucks hit the plastic and she flipped onto her feet, soles stopping, hands on the sides of the curved slide. Being upside-down, even momentarily, was uncomfortable as the blood rushed to her throughly purple-blue jaw.

Alison came sliding down after her, curled on her side, leading with her hip, knees drawn up to her chest. Beth hopped up and balanced with her feet next to her hands on either edge of the slide, letting Alison glide under her and step gracefully off the end. Beth dropped back down to the equipment and turned accepting Alison’s offered hand to the ground.

“In the playground equipment? Ladies, seriously?” Cosima smirked and twisted onto her knee to reach behind the driver’s seat and pop the latch on the back door. It slid open with a grinding screech.

“You are fifteen minutes late,” Alison said, glancing at her phone. They clambered into the back, the van was the messiest piece of shit Beth had ever seen. The two rear bench seats were covered in oddly-colored stains and rearranged to face each other, the back of one a convenient partition between the cab of the van and the rear of it. The floor was littered with fast-food bags and empty cigarette packs of all different brands.

Beth leaned over the back of the seat, into the front of the van, “And we were fifteen minutes early. That’s half an hour we had to kill.”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” Cosima scanned the front of the van, chewing her lip in thought, “I know I have a halfie around here somewhere…” she popped the console open and riffled through it, “where did I leave that—“ she lowered the passenger’s sun visor and a spliff fell into Delphine’s lap. She reached for it, laughing, lingering a bit too long with her ringed fingers between the blonde’s thighs, “Hey, girly,” she grinned and leaned over for a quick kiss. Her foot hit the gas before her amber eyes were back on the road. The backs of her knuckles brushed her lips when she settled the joint between them. Eyes and hands fumbled around her breasts, jeans pockets, and the console before Delphine (eyes steady on the road) produced a lighter from her purse.

Cosima just smiled and held the lighter up for Beth and Alison in the back seat to see, leaning too far into the movement until she was swerving into the next lane. A warning horn-blast came from the right. Alison held onto Beth’s hand so tightly that Beth was certain she’d have bruised knuckles. Delphine, however, was outwardly calm— casual in the passenger’s bucket seat with her heels on the cushion and her arms draped over her knees, smoke drifting up from a nearly-finished cigarette perched delicately between long fingers. Her vigilant eyes betrayed her, no matter how relaxed her posture, they scanned the road ahead as if ready to point out any potential hazard. Beth was amazed the tall girl managed to stay quiet as the van’s front wheel bumped against the curb.

“So I told him, if he’d just look at the work I did in the margins he’d see that the book was clearly wrong. So wrong, insanely wrong.” Cosima had exactly no hands and one knee on the wheel. She finally managed to light her spliff and take a hit. Delphine eagerly extended her fingers to take it, tossing her cigarette out the open window and rolling it up. With a heavy lungful of smoke Delphine leaned into the back, offering the joint to Beth.

When she declined Delphine shook her head, “Croyez-moi,” smoke billowed from her mouth and nose as she spoke, “this will make things much easier.” Beth was about to turn her down again when Cosima took a frighteningly sharp left turn. While Delphine held her balance well, Alison knocked full-on into Beth, nearly toppling them into the far door. Delphine’s shaped brow tweaked and she held the joint out further. Alison reached up and grabbed it, bringing it quickly to her lips.

“Seriously? Alison?” Beth asked, but Alison was already breathing in.

“He refused, how absurd is that? I’m not saying he isn’t an intelligent guy, but who the fuck gets off on shooting someone down like that. It’s not like I was bullshitting, the book was seriously wrong.”

“I’d rather die not giving a crap.” Alison whispered, nodding, blowing smoke gently from the corner of her mouth.

Beth chuckled and took the spliff.

Cosima was a mess of flailing limbs, trying to describe in detail her experience with their physics teacher. She reached behind her head and Beth handed her the pot. Delphine hadn’t been wrong— after a few rotations Cosima’s driving had gone from constantly heart-stopping to only occasionally traumatizing and by the time they pulled into the fair-grounds they were all happily foggy.

The van bounced roughly on the cleared out dirt lot, thunking and clunking against dips in the uneven ground until they were finally settled in what one could possibly assume was a parking spot (maybe). The doors all swung open at the same time and the last vestiges of haze came trailing out behind the teens, mixing with the dusty air. Cosima coughed heavily, doubling over around a few wisps of smoke choking out of the back of her throat. Delphine’s brow furrowed and she walked Cosima around the van to find fresher air, “Pauvre petit chiot,” she cooed, bending at the waist and rubbing Cosima’s shaking back.

Beth and Alison coughed harshly as well as the dust settled and squinted up into the evening light. The ferris wheel was high in the air above them and Beth’s eyes glittered with reflected bulbs from the thing. Alison nudged her with an elbow in the ribs, “Ferris wheel first then?”

Beth grinned widely and nodded, “Oh yeah, put me at the top of that.” Cosima and Delphine were at their side after a beat, following their gaze up.

“Hella,” Cosima flashed fang, and nudged Beth in the ribs, “let’s do it.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is like 85% dialogue and I am not good at writing dialogue. Sometimes bad things happen. Other times good things happen. Good things and bad things happen in this chapter-- good things include another important conversation with Cosima, bad things include 85% dialogue.

Beth chuckled and draped her arm over Alison’s tense shoulders, “Relax, Ali. Ferris wheel— totally safe.” Alison eased into Beth as they came to a stop a the top of the world, nuzzling into her chest. They had a full view of the Toronto sky-line, the low-hanging sun reflecting sharply off distant buildings and ant-sized cars crowded on the 401.

“Hey man, this cotton-mouth is intense,” Cosima’s voice came from in front of them, followed by a creaking noise when she rocked back and forth, tilting her and Delphine’s cart, “anyone else need drinks?”

“Yeah, I’m in,” Beth said, loud enough for Cosima to hear. Alison nodded her agreement into Beth’s shoulder, tilting her head up to brush lips against her neck. “It’s so nice up here.” Beth sighed and leaned back, holding Alison tightly to her.

“It is.” Alison nodded, her forever-freezing fingers finding their way under the hem of Beth’s shirt, resting against her warm stomach, “The weed helps.”

“It usually does.” Delphine hummed from the cart head of them.

All four of them laughed, gentle buzzes tingling their brains around the edges. Beth stretched her bruised jaw, wincing. Alison caught sight of the movement and frowned, leaning up and kissing the corner of Beth’s mouth in a sort of sympathetic apology.

Soon the ferris wheel was lowering. The trip down seemed quicker than the one up and it wasn’t long before Beth and Alison were stepping onto solid ground, moving to meet with Cosima and Delphine. “Drinks then?” Beth said.

Delphine nodded, “You two go, Alison and I will go check out the games and gossip about you.”

Cosima hip-checked her girlfriend, “Fine, but we’re going to talk so much shit on you two, you have no idea.” She grabbed Beth’s arm and darted in the direction of the nearest cart selling refreshments. She shouted over her shoulder, “Use that beautiful brain of yours to find a game we can scam to get one of those giant bears or a dragon or something!”

Beth chuckled and let Cosima pull her along for a few paces before they slowed, “We’re going to need some serious hydration if we’re going to win a bunch of obnoxiously large stuffed animals.”

“We can’t very well leave empty handed,” Cosima said seriously, “I mean why do people even come to a carnival except to try and leave with enormous prizes?”

Beth nodded, “Good point.”

They made their way through the relatively sparse crowd to the cart, waiting in line behind two couples. Cosima shuffled impatiently, trying to force her fingers into her tight pockets far enough to fish out wadded up cash. “So, how are things with you and Little Miss Muffet?”

Beth glanced over her shoulder, she could barely make out Delphine and Alison’s retreating backs. “Pretty excellent, actually.”

“You guys seem more chill than usual, have you sat on her tuffet?”

Beth turned wide, horrified eyes back to completely relaxed and casual Cosima, “Excuse me?”

It was their turn, Cosima handed her mess of bills to the woman at the cash register, “Two lemonades, please?” She glanced over at Beth, expression confused, as if Beth’s outburst was one of legitimate misunderstanding, “You know,” she shrugged, “is her porridge too hot? Too cold? Just right?”

“Stop!” Beth held up her hands in horror, “For the love of God, Cosima, stop with the nursery rhyme euphemisms.”

The dreadlocked teen frowned and took her change from the cashier, scooping up the bottles of sugary lemonade. “Well, you always get so fucking dodgy when I bring up sex, I thought talking in code might help. I was just try—“

“Two waters, thanks.” Beth smiled tensely at the cashier, handing over neatly folded bills. When the woman turned to grab her drinks she turned back to Cosima, “I don’t get dodgy, it’s just… a little fucking personal, don’t you think?”

“No?” Cosima shrugged, opening a lemonade. Off Beth’s exasperated face, she continued after a swig, “Sex is totally natural, dude.”

“Well, it’s not for me, so can we just leave it?”

Manicured brows pinched and Cosima reached out to grip Beth’s arm gently, “What do you mean it’s not for you? You guys aren’t intimate at all?”

Beth jerked her arm away and grabbed the bottles quickly, muttering for the woman to keep the change. “For your information, you can be intimate with someone without having sex, Cosima.” She moved back quickly, turning and walking away.

“Hey, dude, relax. Stop, Beth, seriously.” Cosima finally wrestled an agitated Beth over to an empty picnic table, dumping her load and straddling a bench, pulling Beth down grumpily beside her. “Hey, man, it’s all right,” she shook her head, “I’m sorry if I upset you, that really wasn’t my intention.”

“It’s fine,” Beth said, refusing eye contact, body tense.

Cosima sighed and fiddled with her jewelry. “Can I ask you a question? If you don’t want to answer it you totally don’t have to, obvs.”

Beth rolled her eyes and set the water bottles down on the bench next to her, “No, Cosima, I’m not a virgin.”

“That wasn’t what I—“

“I’ve had plenty of sex.” Beth sighed and kept her eyes dead ahead, searching for any sign of Alison or Delphine. “I’m just wasn’t that into it, I guess. It’ll be different with Alison, we’re just—” she took a deep breath, “waiting until we’re ready.”

Cosima leaned back letting out a long slow breath, “Oh boy…okay. We should talk.”

***

“It’s a spectrum: some people never want to have sex, like ever, and some people don’t feel sexual attraction to someone until they’re in love, and there are all sorts of different subsets and stuff…” Beth trailed off, thumbing through the wikipedia article Cosima had shown her Thursday at the carnival.

It was late on Saturday, closing night of the musical. A packed audience had given a standing ovation. The cast cried for nearly an hour after the show, many of the seniors realizing it’d be their last performance together as they headed off to different colleges. Beth consoled a weepy Alison with ice-cream at a local creamery, and the teens had found their way back to Beth’s house. Her father was overjoyed to finally meet Alison and the short girl charmed him for half an hour until he offered to break out Beth’s baby pictures. “God, stop!” Groaning in agony, Beth had pulled Alison away to her room.

They were on her bed— Beth sitting back against the headboard, Alison curled between her legs with arms wrapped around Beth’s thigh. “Wow, that’s intense,” Alison lifted a finger to scroll back up through the page, her eyes locked on Beth’s phone. “Asexuality,” she read the title of the article again.

“Intense?” Beth swallowed her nervousness.

Alison’s eyes darted up from the screen to meet Beth’s eyes, “I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just mean it’s a lot of stuff I never even knew about.”

Beth grunted, “That makes two of us.”

“I’m so sorry that you felt different for so—“

“I didn’t,” Beth interrupted, shaking her head, “I didn’t feel different, I just thought I had a low sex drive… I don’t know. It was frustrating that I wasn’t into fooling around like everyone else was, but it’s not like I felt wrong or anything.” She let out a breath, “I didn’t even really think about it until I met Cos.”

“Cos _is_ really sexy, I can see how that would be confusing.” Alison nodded. Beth tilted her head and swatted at Alison’s stomach. The smaller girl laughed and lifted her head to peck her lips against Beth’s. “I’m joking, go on.”

Beth shrugged, “Nothing to go on about. She cornered me at the carnival, she said a lot of stuff that made sense.”

“And you’re okay?”

Beth nodded, smiling slightly. “Yeah, it’s kind of nice to have a word for it, I guess. I wish I could shove it in Paul’s face.” She dimmed the screen on her phone and dropped it on the bed, wrapping both arms tightly around Alison for a beat, “Are you? Okay, I mean?”

Alison’s brow furrowed, “What do you mean? Of course I’m okay, I’m really happy for you.”

Molars found the inside of Beth’s cheek, “You don’t, like, worry about the implications this has on our relationship? I’m not the only one this affects.”

Alison’s features relaxed and she cocked her head in thought for a beat, “I don’t know, I’m not worried about it. I think we should talk about it, but we have plenty of time.” She reached up for Beth’s face, pulling it down to brush their lips together, “You just discovered something huge about yourself, you should settle in that, take time to learn and explore and I’ll be here.”

Beth smiled and briefly caught Alison’s mouth with her own, “You’re kind of an amazing girlfriend.”

Alison laughed, “Because I respect your body and your needs? That’s kind of basic human kindness.”

“Shut up and take the compliment.” Beth nipped playfully at Alison’s nose.

“I guess on your list of lovers I do rank pretty high.”

Beth faltered, her lips were nearly touching Alison’s when they twisted into a frown, “Yeah, but Paul didn’t know. I shouldn’t have said that…about shoving it in his face.” She pulled back, “It’s easy to be mad at him now that I understand, but then? He didn’t know any more than I did. He didn’t push the times when I told him no,” she shrugged, “it’s not like he was a skeezeball about it.”

Alison shook her head, taking Beth’s chin in her hand, “There is a difference between not saying no and actually saying yes, Beth.”

“I wanted to make him happy.”

The shorter girl traced her thumb over the slowly healing bruise coloring Beth’s skin, “I know you did. You don’t have to do that for me. I don’t want you to do that for me.”

“That’s noble of you and all, Alison, but you might change your mind someday.” Beth ran a hand down Alison’s upper arm, squeezing her elbow. “We’ve got plenty of time, right?”

Alison chuckled, “Kissing is still good?”

Beth smirked and twisted her hips sharply, flipping them over on the mattress until she was looming over Alison. “Can you control your wild, sexual impulses? You know, it’s been said that I’m a very good kisser.”

“Said by whom?!” Alison giggled.

Beth’s jaw dropped, mock-offended, “People!” She lowered her body to kiss the smaller girl, wracked with laughter. Pulling back briefly she muttered, “I’d hate for you to misplace all that nobility.”

Alison’s laugher cut out when Beth’s lips trailed across her jaw with a thankful tenderness. She snaked her arms up, wrapping them around Beth’s neck, “I am so ridiculously noble right now, you have no idea.”

***

One week later, Beth found herself on the charter bus to Alison’s game against Toronto West. The ride was comfortable and short, but loud with the singing and chanting of the squad. The locker room was even louder and Beth bowed out with a quick kiss to Alison’s cheek and a curt nod in Rachel’s direction, leaving them to their pre-game hype and strategy session.

The day was chilly, but not terribly so, still Beth wrapped herself tightly in her hoody. She chose a seat close to the field, resting her feet on the bleacher in front of her.

“Elizabeth Childs?” She clenched her jaw at the sound of her name so expectantly spoken. She turned in her seat to find a man she recognized as a recruiter for an American university, though she couldn’t remember which one. “Marcus Newport,” he extended a hand, “North Carolina.”

She nodded and shook his hand. “Right, Marcus.”

“I heard about the incident, rough stuff.”

“Yeah,” she squinted across the pitch, eyeing the timer counting down to kick-off, “I’d actually rather not talk about it.”

He smiled sadly, “Understandable.” After a beat he spoke again, “I’m sure with some back-and-forth we could come to an agreement about a scholarship if you’re looking to—“

“I’m not.” She cut him off harshly. “I’m just here to watch the game.”

He scratched his jaw and held up the small camcorder he was holding, “Me too. Some promising players out there tonight. You go to school here now?”

She shook her head, “East, actually. My girlfriend is playing.”

“Is she any good?”

Beth chuckled, “She’s exceptional.”

“Oh,” he looked pleasantly surprised, “I’ll keep an eye on her.”

A smile in his direction, “Hendrix, midfielder, number 2.”

He looked down at his notes and nodded, “She’s actually already on my list.”

Before Beth could ask him any more the girls came into view, jogging towards the pitch from the gym. Alison spotted her instantly, smiling nervously wide and waving with wiggling fingers. Beth gave her two thumbs up.

The small crowd cheered as the teams were announced and within minutes the ball was in motion and the game had begun.

Alison’s size was certainly her strongest asset, larger, stronger players were often slower, and those that weren’t couldn’t maintain their balance through her sharp turns and easy spins. She had a presence of body that Beth had never had, knowing exactly where each foot was landing, where each player was coming from. She’d have an arm out to stop an attacker before they were bearing down on her, she’d speed up or slow down to navigate incoming tackles without ever having to go toe-to-toe with an opponent.

She and Rachel moved as one player, extensions of each other’s bodies, and when Alison’s short cross found Rachel poorly guarded in the box East Toronto High earned their first point. Alison leapt in the air, thrusting a fist up; Rachel held her index finger in the air and found herself tackled in hugs from all sides. She patted backs briefly before breaking from the pack to jog towards mid-pitch. With her eyes cast over her shoulder, Rachel pointed back at Alison in acknowledgment. The team calmed quickly and moved back into an easy pace.

Alison helped organize players in the box while Rachel trotted over for a corner kick. It was a decent set-piece, though nothing came of it, the ball easily headed away by a tall defender. The teens raced down the pitch after the ball, one of West’s forwards catching up first and barreling for the goal. A defender swooped in and dispossessed but the whistle blew and the referee held up a yellow card. Alison and Rachel made eye contact across the field, the blonde bee-lined for the official and Alison moved to meet their player— head low and voice hushed where Rachel’s was piercing and forceful.

And all too quickly they were defending against a free-kick, and then they weren’t, and Toronto West players were a mess of rushing navy blue and grey kits hugging their goal scorer. As soon as the ball was moving again the whistle blew for half-time.

Beth scratched her jaw and stood, clapping. She hopped down to the ground and met the team as they came off the field, high-fiving each player as they passed. Alison and Rachel took up the rear, neither of them spoke. Rachel brushed past Beth without acknowledging her. Alison offered a weak smile and a weaker high-five, Beth squeezed her hand, “Hey, you did great, that assist was amazing,” Beth was jogging backwards, trying to rush through what she had to say, “don’t let that goal get you down. Keep doing what you’re doing.” But Alison was pulling away with the rest of the team. Beth released her hand and sighed, clapping a few more times as the audience’s applause faded.


	20. Chapter 20

“Alison, come on, you’re being dramatic.”

Alison jerked her arm from Beth’s grip, “I’m being dramatic? Even if my feelings are dramatic, they’re still my feelings and they’re perfectly valid ones.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Beth sighed, “it’s been four days, just kick around with me.” She rolled the ball up onto the top of her foot and flicked it at Alison. They stood behind the gym, the goal posts steepled on the horizon.

The smaller girl slapped the ball out of the air, “Beth I don’t want to kick around, I don’t want to look at a soccer ball ever again.”

Beth took a few steps to the side and stopped the discarded ball, rolling it back. “Winning isn’t as important as playing well, and you guys played great.”

“That’s very comforting,” Alison rolled her eyes, crossing her arms and turning her back to Beth.

Beth finally abandoned the ball, pressing herself to Alison’s back and wrapping tight around her. “Hey,” she whispered a kiss against Alison’s ear, “I didn’t talk to any of the other scouts, but the recruiter from North Carolina was impressed.”

She shifted in Beth’s arms, “He was?”

“Mmm,” Beth nodded, dropping kisses down Alison’s neck, “he said you had real talent, I saw him scribbling shit on his little clipboard and everything.”

“North Carolina?”

“Division I, they’re a good school.” Beth let her eyes wander to the pitch, “You could do great things there.” She could feel Alison’s stomach rattle with a silent chuckle.

“I didn’t picture myself playing in America unless it was in a Portland Thorns jersey.”

Beth laughed quietly, “You’ve got to start somewhere, eh?” They were quiet for a few moments, Alison trailing her fingers along Beth’s wrists and arms. “Haven’t a few of the Thorns played for North Carolina?”

“Yes.” Alison nodded.

Beth hummed, “Tobin Heath, she’s one of the best players in America.”

Alison turned to face Beth, draping her arms over slightly taller shoulders, “She really is.”

“Do you want to go kick around?” Beth rested her hands on her girlfriend’s hips, squeezing gently.

Alison gave a small smile, and knocked her forehead into Beth’s, “Yeah.”

They linked fingers and walked slowly to the pitch, taking turns casually kicking the ball forward. As they got closer it became clear that they weren’t alone. Rachel had balls lined up along the end line, bending them with ferocity around the near post one after another, grunting with each kick. One out of six went far— skittering just shy of the far post and into the grass beyond, another bounced off the woodwork making it vibrate violently. Beth looked over to Alison who was frowning, “Rachel,” she let out a pained whisper behind the fingers she pressed to her lips.

The teen’s jersey was stuck to her, soaked through with sweat, and she wore a thin, elastic hairband that was doing very little to keep her short hair off of her red, contorted face. Beth recognized the stuttered steps Rachel was taking, “She’s favoring her left leg.”

Alison nodded, “It’s her IT band.”

“Not wearing five inch heels every day would help with that.” Beth sighed, flinging an arm out in exasperation, “She’s got to take a break.”

“Rachel believes in neither flats nor breaks.” She tugged Beth closer to her by their joined hands, “You should go, I’ll talk her down.”

Beth nodded and kissed Alison’s knuckles, “I have some homework I could do. I’ll stop by the trainers’ office first and fill up an ice bath.”

Alison smiled and pulled Beth into a tight hug, “Thank you.” As Beth turned to go, Alison’s voice stopped her, “Beth, that scout…did he say anything about—“

“No,” Beth glanced over her shoulder at Alison, and then past her to see Rachel angrily bending balls into the net. She took a deep breath, “Maybe they’re not looking for another striker right now.”

Alison nodded slightly, her hand finding it’s way to her throat. Teams were always looking for good forwards.

***

Rachel hadn’t shown up for study hall. Beth hoped Alison had forced the teen to sit in the ice she’d left waiting for them in the office off the gym. Lunch was Beth’s least favorite time of day, Sarah’s belligerence was oppressive— the weight of it stifling. Beth was exhausted from just trying to stay afloat.

She sighed and fit the in-arm desk back into place by her chair, standing and grabbing her bag a few beats before the bell sounded.

The muffled shake of crying caught her attention, even over the noise of a hundred rushing students. Beth stopped suddenly and turned to find the gasping sobs coming from the small, doorless room that held the school’s only set of elevators. Cosima was hunched on the ground, legs pulled up to her chest. Her elbows were resting on her knees, forearms curled around her bowed head, cell phone held in the vice grip of her fist. “Cos?”

Cosima’s head shot up, her golden eyes obscured by tears swelling from her bottom lids. They landed on Beth, she blinked and liquid spilled down her cheeks, already messy with smeared eyeliner. “Beth?” Her voice was choked— a frog croaking in her throat.

“Hey, are you okay?” Beth approached slowly, dropping her bag to the floor as she got closer.

Cosima shook her head, wiping at her cheeks with the backs of her thumbs, “I-I’m fine, I just…”

Delphine rounded the corner into the room at a full run, winded, her cell phone tight in her hand, “Cosima.”

The tattooed girl opened her arms and Delphine was across the room and in them in a flash, her long legs making short work of the distance.

“I—“ Beth was suddenly out of place. She glanced out into the hallway and then back at the girls on the floor.

Delphine pulled back just enough to grip Cosima’s face with shaking fingers.

“I’ll just leave you two…” they didn’t hear her.

She took her seat next to Tony. There was an anatomy textbook open on the table next to her and the notebook resting on top of it was filled with Delphine’s pristine handwriting. “What’s going on?” She asked.

“Hmm?” Tony looked up from his lunch. Beth pointed at Delphine’s homework and Tony shrugged in response. “Oh, just leave it there, she’ll be back. She got a text and ran off.”

Beth let out a shaky breath and turned her gaze across the room to Alison’s table. The brunette was already there, sitting with Rachel and JFitz. Rachel’s expression was more hollow than it usually was, but JFitz was emoting enough for the both of them.

Sarah’s voice bellowed from behind her, making Beth jump, “Hey, Heart-Eyes, why don’t you go sit with your girlfriends, yeah?” It was the first thing the punk had said to her in a week. The bruise on Beth’s jaw was nothing but smooth skin, but the wound was still fresh.

She spun in her chair, Sarah’s bloody eyes were hard and trained on her. “Sarah, I—“ Beth wasn’t sure what she was planning on saying, seeing Cosima so upset had shaken something inside her and the world seemed off-kilter.

“Yeah? What is it then?”

“I—“ Beth blinked and shook her head, “sorry.” She stood, pulling her bag from under her chair and hiked it over her shoulder. “I should go.”

She could hear the screech of her chair being shoved back under the table as she walked away, could hear Tony’s voice: “Seriously, Sarah?”

“Shut the fuck up, Sawicki.”

JFitz was laughing and smiling and engaging, just as charming in person as she was from across the lunch room. Her tanned fingers tangled in a thin chain around her neck that held a delicate cross. Beth’s would have felt guilty for only half-listening to the swimmer, but her mind was decidedly elsewhere. Alison laughed along, but she kept glancing at Beth out of the corner of her eye, occasionally worrying her lip. If Rachel noticed her oddness, she didn’t show it, just chewed slowly, her eyes rarely lifting from her salad.

It wasn’t until Alison urged her up for gym that Beth managed to clear the haze. She offered JFitz a smile and a polite wave and let Alison tug her off towards the locker room. She felt Rachel’s eyes follow them all the way out of the cafeteria.

“Beth? Are you okay?” She hadn’t heard Alison so worried since she’d found herself standing on the monkey bars all those weeks ago.

Beth nodded, “Yeah, sorry. I just—“ she shook her head until the world was clear again.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alison paused outside of the door to the girl’s locker room, reaching up to gently touch Beth’s cheek.

Beth smiled, “Nah, I’m okay. It’s nothing.” She caught Alison’s hand turned her lips into its palm, “Sorry for worrying you.” Alison’s features were still tense so Beth urged the teen’s arms over her shoulders, gripping her hips and pressing her to the wall, kissing her slowly.

Alison melted into her, humming quietly when Beth pulled away. “Gosh,” Alison giggled, “my brain isn’t even working anymore. Where are we? What are we doing?”

Beth laughed and nudged Alison’s cheek with her nose, dropping gentle kisses along her jawline. “Do you want to skip gym and go make out somewhere?” She needed it, she needed the intimacy, to feel close to someone. Alison’s kiss and the way it made her chest swell with warm light had a grounding effect on her that she needed in a way she couldn’t quite explain.

“Yes. For sure.” Alison’s slim fingers found Beth’s ponytail, pulling the elastic from her hair, tangling her digits in the thick tresses. “The tension grid?”

Beth grinned and led the way.

***

“Where were you two?” Tony asked when the girls finally found their way outside, “You missed dodgeball.”

Beth was finally feeling normal again. The gentle coaxing of Alison’s fingers along the back of her neck, the slow pressure of her kiss had pulled the stress from Beth’s body. Thoughts of Cosima were pushed to the back of her mind behind the sound of Alison’s hushed giggles and the gentle rhythmic beat of her eyelashes.

“Oh man, what a bummer,” Alison snarked, “I always hate missing out on dodgeball.” Beth laughed, it wasn’t often that Alison broke out the sarcasm.

Helena showed all of her teeth in a feral smile, “I like dodgeball.”

“Yes you do,” Sarah smacked the blonde between the shoulder blades, her chest puffed out with pride, “you’re fucking killer at it too, Meathead.”

“Have you guys seen Delphine? She left her homework at lunch and never came back.” Tony toed at his bag, Delphine’s things resting on top of it.

Alison shook her head, “No, I haven’t seen her since we were waiting in line to pay for our food.”

Beth’s cheek was in shreds from all the chewing she’d been doing, “Yeah, I haven’t seen her either.”

“Fucking weird. No Cos either?” Sarah grumbled, at everyone’s shaking heads she smacked Tony’s chest with the back of her hand, “Break out the pipe then, mate, this day’s gone to shit.”

He nodded and dug into his pocket. They were three hits in before Tony spoke again, “I’m kind of worried, it’s not like them to not show up.”

“They’re probably off munching carpet or whatever.” Sarah let out a lungful of smoke.

Felix took the pipe from her, “Cos wouldn’t miss a smoke break, it’s her favorite part of the day.”

“Exactly,” Tony’s lips were twisted in an ugly frown.

Felix’s head cocked, his own features slowly falling, “Delphine did run off really quickly.”

Beth’s jaw clenched, if everyone else was worried, she should be too. The walls of all the rationales she’d built under Alison’s lips were crumbling quickly. “Guys, I—” She barely stopped herself in time, nearly spewing all the words bottled up behind the cork that was tight in her throat.

It was too late, all eyes were on her.

“You…?” Sarah prompted, thumbing her nose.

Beth took a deep breath, “Nothing.”

The punk’s eyes narrowed, “What did I fucking say about keeping secrets?”

Beth shook her head, “No secrets, Sarah, I just—“

“Oh! I forgot! We have a meeting with an advisor this hour, remember?” Alison cut in, grabbing Beth’s hand and squeezing tightly.

Dark eyes found Alison’s, “Huh? Oh…yeah.” Beth swallowed and nodded. “Yeah.”

“We should go,” Alison said apologetically, waving to the group as she tugged Beth away. They rounded the corner to the cracked door, Alison nudged it open and pulled Beth inside. She stopped short and spun. “Okay, what’s going on?”

Beth glanced at the inch of open air between the door and the jam and led Alison further into the building. When she was satisfied with the distance she leaned against a wall, letting out a heavy breath, “I saw Cosima crying right before lunch.”

“Crying?”

“Not like… regular crying. She was—“ Beth took in a lungful of air, “like fucking sobbing, meltdown-level crying.”

Alison’s brow furrowed, “Was she okay?”

“Obviously not.” Beth said, exasperated. “I want to tell the others, but it’s really not my place. A few weeks ago I overheard her and Delphine… she’s keeping something from the group. I don’t want to blurt out something if she’s trying to deal with it on her own.” She paused for a beat, “She kept my secret.” Another pause, this time for a deep breath, “Anyway, Delphine came in before I could ask what was going on.”

“Holy fishsticks. This doesn’t sound good.”

Beth nodded solemnly, “Yeah, I know. I’m worried.”

Alison shook her head, “I’m sure everything is fine.”

“I just wish I knew where they were.”

***

Her worry grew exponentially when both Delphine and her mother were missing from their French class. Beth tried to convince herself that it was a coincidence, that Mrs. Cormier was just ill, but their substitute was clearly a last minute replacement— a resident math teacher who didn’t speak a word of French. She spent the hour on her phone, refreshing her tumblr dashboard, trying to take her mind off of the tension building in her chest.

Alison met her outside the classroom when the bell rang and they walked together to the library.

“Where is everyone?” Alison asked.

Beth’s phone rang, she tugged it out of her pocket and looked down at the screen.

Sarah’s voice was raspy and quiet when she spoke, “Beth. You need to come down to Mount Sinai.”

“Mount Sinai.” Beth’s mouth could barely form the words. “Y-yeah, I’ll be there.”

“Like now, Beth. R-right now.”

“Yeah.”

Sarah hung up.

Alison’s eyes were wide and her tongue was darting out to wet her lips, Beth saw her move in slow motion, reaching for Beth’s arms. She lost her grip on her phone, barely hearing it clatter against the asphalt of the parking lot. “Mount Sinai Hospital?” Alison’s voice was just an echo coming from miles away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a Cophine related one-shot to go with this chapter. Go check it out, if you're so inclined. Fair warning-- it's a little sexy.
> 
> Also, if you're interested in the timeline of all the chapters and one-shots and shit that make up this increasingly whacky AU, there is now a handy guide over on my tumblr: http://saint11icarus.tumblr.com/CCtimeline


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter! It feels like we've been away from the gang for so long, let's catch up with those baes.

Sarah was leaning back against the wall, eyes glazed and off in the distance, when they approached with hurried steps down the long hallway. She blinked a few times as the squeak of their shoes against the linoleum pulled her into consciousness. She looked over at them and pushed off the wall with her heavy boot, leaving a black scuff against the pastel green paint. Beth stopped as Sarah moved in front of them— the gatekeeper.

“We got here as fast as we could,” she said, breathlessly.

Sarah was nodding like she’d half-heard Beth’s words, like whatever they were, they didn’t matter anyway. She lifted an arm, the zippers of her leather jacket click-clack-jingling together, and flung it over Beth’s shoulder, pulling her in tight. She was angry even then, Beth could feel it in the shake of her arms, in the shudder of the air through her lungs, the rumble of breath in her grunt. Alison stood back, hands twisting over her stomach, fingers pressing into the flesh there.

Beth gave, hooking both arms under Sarah’s until she was gripping the punk’s shoulders, weighing them down, hugging her roughly to her body. When they separated they both sniffed back tears and Sarah dropped back against the wall, the sole of her boot sliding back up into place against it. She gestured shortly over her shoulder at the door.

Beth nodded and rested her hand on the knob, twisting and pushing the heavy door open with her shoulder. Alison made tentative steps to follow her but Sarah lifted a hand, shook her head, gestured her back. Beth hadn’t noticed.

Cosima was sitting up in bed, the back of it up at an angle so she could rest against it. She was smiling wide, laughing, though she was struggling to hold back the small coughs bubbling their way through. Her parents were next to her, seated in chairs on the far side of the bed, her father held her hand in his. Cosima had a nasal cannula settled over her lip and an oxygen reader clipped around her index finger, tubes of fluids ran through an IV butterflied into the back of her hand. Beth pulled her arms behind her to soften the shutting of the door, but the noise caught the girl’s attention anyway.

“Beth,” Cosima turned her head and smiled, “what’s up?”

Her brow furrowed and she blinked, “What’s up?”

Cosima let out a weak chuckle and shrugged her shoulders. She looked thinner now than she had when Beth first met her, though she couldn’t pinpoint the moment when it’d happened, only that she was noticing it now for the first time. The girl’s once rich olive skin was pale, with tiny beads of sweat giving her a waxy sort of look. The bags under her eyes were deep and hollow. She _looked_ sick. When Beth realized how long things must have been going on she kicked herself for not noticing Cosima’s now obvious decline.

“How…What…?” Beth took a deep breath and shook her head to center herself. “What is it?”

Cosima cocked her head and smiled sadly, “They aren’t entirely sure. Some sort of autoimmune disorder that the doctors think originated in my uterus.” She nodded and shrugged, “We didn’t catch it until it had already spread to my lungs and esophagus.”

Beth roughed at her lips with a palm, gripping her jaw until it hurt. Her voice grew harsher, accusatory, “How long have you known?”

Cosima’s golden eyes dropped to study the knit blanket draped over her thighs, though the upturned corners of her lips seemed fixed and immovable, painted on. Her tongue dipped out to flick against a canine, to trace the sharp of her teeth. She sighed, “A few months,” she finally said, quiet though without guilt.

Beth cleared her throat and looked over her shoulder. “Sarah—“

“She’s furious.” Cosima nodded.

“She’s scared.” Beth said. “Does she have a reason to be?”

Cosima’s silence, her parent’s downcast eyes, were the only answers Beth needed.

***

The door shut behind her with a loud clack, though she’d tried to quiet it again. Sarah’s head turned, distant eyes catching her.

“Where is everyone?” Beth muttered.

Sarah ran a hand through her mane, messing it even more, “The boys took Helena to the caf to find food and Delphine just—“

“Oi, ’Lena!” Felix was wrestling with the blonde as they came around the corner, both of them gripping tight to the same package.

Tony had his eyes forward, trace-like, not bothering with the two.

Sarah sighed, “Hey, Meathead!”

Helena snapped to attention, dropping the snack and shoving Felix lovingly, though with a bit more violence than was necessary (much in the way an overexcited puppy aggressively shakes its own toy rather than taking teeth to a human playmate). They approached slowly.

Tony didn’t bother looking up, just found his way into Beth, wrapping tight around her waist, his face burying in the crook of her neck. He mumbled something into her collarbone, but she couldn’t hear him. She slid her arms around his neck and hugged him.

Over his shoulder, Helena was eyeing them, twisting her lips against her teeth and shuffling her feet. Felix had his won packet of blueberry muffins open and had slid to the floor crosslegged, picking at them with his long fingers. His face was a quiet and emotionless mask, if a bit red around the eyes.

Tony finally released her, moving to rest against the wall on the opposite side of the door to Sarah, kicking his foot up as hers was, crossing his arms. They looked like matching gargoyles— twin beasts guarding the entrance to some church or library or place of higher learning. It was fitting somehow.

“What do we know?” Alison finally asked. “Does anyone have any idea what’s going on?”

Tony shrugged. Beth’s lips tightened into a line, “It’s in her lungs and throat,” she sighed, “it sounds bad.”

“It’s all so sudden,” Felix said, his voice louder than even he expected, bouncing off the linoleum, off the sterile walls and fluorescent lights.

Sarah looked up, stemming tears, “S’not,” she shook her head, “this kind of thing? It doesn’t happen overnight. Didja see her, mate? She’s barely there. This has been goin’ on.”

Beth looked away from them, down the empty hallway.

“She’s been hiding it.” Sarah was built from barely contained rage, her body twitching under her mess of leather and denim.

Beth’s teeth caught the corner of her lips, “Do we really want to focus on t—“

“No,” Sarah cut her off with a sharp finger jabbed in her direction, “nothing from you.”

Beth’s head dropped with a heavy nod, bowing to Sarah’s demanding will, her forceful presence. Alison shifted uneasily, eyes trained on the base of Beth’s neck where the knotted vertebra pushed against her skin.

Helena finally spoke, “Cosima is sick.” She said it like she was breaking news to friends and family, like she was giving them treatment options, timelines.

Five pairs of eyes turned on her.

Her ruddy orbs flicked between all of them, not lingering on any one gaze for long. Her voice piped up again, less sure this time, “Yes?”

Beth sighed and nodded.

“Yeah,” Tony said.

Sarah untangled her arms and gripped the blonde’s trapezius, squeezing it tightly in some sort of painful comfort that Helena responded well too, shifting her weight to lean into her sister’s bruising fingers. “She’s sick, Meathead.”

“Is she going to die?”

There was a long silence before Sarah spoke, “No.”

Helena sought eye contact long after Sarah refused it, even going so far as to reach out and touch the punk’s chin— as if she thought it possible that Sarah just hadn’t noticed her gaze burning into the side of her head. Sarah flinched away from the brushing fingers, turning her head from her sister, her eyes choosing to settle on Tony instead who had the sense to keep his ashen pools downward.

Beth shook her head, “She’s going to be fine.” Helena’s eyes darted to hers next but Beth managed to hold her gaze for less than a second before looking away.

“She’s going to be fine.” Tony parroted, his head nodding firmly. “She’s going to be fine.”

A doctor, clipboard in one hand and a wide, thin file in the other came around the corner at a quick clip. His white coat billowed around him, light green scrubs brushing with a gentle noise as he came closer. He smiled, his lips pressed in a firm line, at the pack of teens hovering around his patient’s door. Sarah and Tony moved in unison, their feet landing on the floor, hips width apart, arms coming down to their sides. He slid between them, disregarding the clear warning stance of Cosima’s gargoyle protectors, hand out and reaching for the doorknob.

Beth’s eyes fell on his file, the black fuzzy film of an x-ray poking from the end of it. She sucked her cheek between her teeth. X-rays, MRIs, CT scans— she needed to see something, anything, even if she wouldn’t know what it was that she was looking at. But as quickly as he’d come he was gone behind the door.

Helena seemed to recognize his status, “He is Cosima’s doctor,” she said to the others in explanation. They all nodded, but the only movement came from Tony and Sarah, falling back into their poses. She twitched and looked at each of them in turn, confused by their lack of urgency. After a beat she moved quickly to take a stride for the door, reaching out for the knob. Sarah’s arm came out and caught her across the chest. She shook her head and gently pushed the blonde back.

Helena took a step back, but her brows came together and her features twisted. Beth could hear the twin sucking on her teeth, could see her tongue working heavily behind her lips.

After two full minutes of silence Beth asked Sarah, “Where did you say Delphine was?” Her voice echoed uncomfortably through the hall, cutting through the emptiness.

Sarah shrugged, “She ran off.”

“Ran off?” Beth’s posture tensed, shifting from where she’d taken up leaning against the wall opposite the door.

The punk nodded, “Maybe twenty minutes before you got here. She went that way.” She waved a hand off in a direction opposite from the way Beth and Alison had come, opposite from the way Felix and Tony and Helena had come, opposite from the way the doctor had come, some way leading deeper into the hospital.

Beth reached behind her to pull her phone from her back pocket, she glanced down at the screen— they’d been there nearly an hour. “She’s been gone an hour and a half and no one thought to go after her?” Beth’s voice had suddenly developed a waver, catching somewhere deep in her chest.

Sarah shifted onto both feet, leaning forward, indignant, “She knew about this, Beth.”

“What?”

“She knew!” Sarah flung an arm out towards the door to Cosima’s room, “She knew Cosima was sick and she didn’t think to say anything to anyone.”

Before she knew what came over her, Beth was barreling across the hallway, a freight train suddenly hitting Sarah with her full weight, knocking the punk into the wall behind her with a forearm heavy across her chest. Beth’s face was inches from hers, snarling, “You’re that petty? You let her off on her own while Cos gets poked and prodded?!”

Helena was on her in a flash, had her in a chokehold in the span of a heartbeat. Beth’s throat fit in the crook of her elbow like it belonged there, like the hollow was built for throats to sit in. There was a pressure as Helena’s muscles flexed and Beth’s vision began to swim.

She wasn’t sure how she managed to wind up banging into the far wall, her shoulder blades thumping into it not far from Alison’s wide-eyed reach, but Tony and Felix each had one of Helena’s arms wrapped up in theirs. She gripped at her throat, rubbing the pain into a dull ache. Her gaze darted between Sarah and Helena’s fire eyes. She shook her head and stepped back, deeper into the hall.

Alison moved forward off the wall, hands out for her. “Don’t,” Beth’s voice was hoarse, strong hands found the small teen’s wrists, catching them and pushing them away, “not right now. Please.” Alison bit her lip and watched Beth’s retreating back.

Beth found a washroom around the corner but it was empty. The next one down the hall was as well. It took some time to find a third, but she opened the door and was greeted with quiet snuffling sobs. Her eyes slid shut and she let out a heavy breath, her tongue darting out to wet her lips, “Delphine?”, she said it like she would in French, accented and light. She shut the door silently behind her. There was no answer.

“Delphine, c’est moi,” she led with her palm against the stall doors, Delphine was in the last one— Beth could see her curled up on the floor, long legs tucked tightly against her chest. The door was latched from the inside.

“Laisse-moi tranquille!”

“Delphine, s’il te plaît.”

The blonde made no movement, nothing but the visible shake of sobs wracking her body. Beth slid down the wall until she was resting on the floor and sat there with her ponytail pressing against the tile wall. She sighed and set her palm on the ground, fingertips crossing the threshold under the stall door, “Quoi qu’il advienne, je te soutiendrai.”

Her crying grew louder, but long, pale fingers gripped Beth’s desperately. “J’y ai réfléchi,” Beth had to strain to make out her snot-bubble mumbling, “how I should have noticed sooner…I see the signs now, I didn’t recognize them then.”

“The signs?”

She sniffled, struggling to speak, “Oui, tenderness, pain, I should have recognized it for what it was, been more insistent about her seeking help. It wasn’t until—“ she cut herself off with a low keening moan.

Beth couldn’t take it anymore. She pulled her hand away from Delphine’s and twisted until she was laying on her back, gripping the bottom of the stall door with both hands and pulling her torso under it; stopping when her head knocked into Delphine’s hip. She reached up and cupped the blonde’s cheek— puffy and red, raw around her eyes and nose where she’d been wiping away at them with her hoody sleeves. Her wild hair was plastered to her face in every conceivable place, adhered with sweat, tears, and mucous. “She is seventeen, Delphine. No one thinks a bit of tenderness is dangerous in a teenager.”

Delphine reached out with a long arm over Beth’s body, under the door to press fingers to the soft and squishy flesh between Beth’s hips, just over the low dip of her jeans— marking the spot. “I should have. It was irregular. I could have saved her.”

“Saved her? Delphine,” Beth sighed, looking up at her and squeezing one of her ankles in support, “she’s going to get help here. The doctors, they’re going to fix this.”

A renewed swell of tears burst forth from Delphine’s eyes, phlegm audibly rattling her ribcage, “Beth, c’est persque terminé.”

Beth’s jaw clenched, “No. It’s too soon, we just found out.” She shook her head angrily, violently, her hold tightening on Delphine’s ankle. Tears sprung unbidden to her eyes.

“Oui.” She twisted her hips, pulling her ankle away from Beth’s grip, until she was laying on her side, head cushioned by Beth’s shoulder. A delicate, shaky hand coming to rest on Beth’s forehead, sliding down over her eyes, covering them.

She could feel Delphine’s unsteady breathing against her flexing jaw, the hollow of her neck. The tall girl’s hand still rested low on her stomach, where it all began for their friend, her lover. “What are we going to do?” Beth whispered after a few beats, she knew Delphine could feel the hot tears against her palm.

The blonde’s words, more air than sound, ghosted past her ear, “Je ne sais pas, je ne sais pas.”

They didn’t move from that spot and though neither of them spoke, they both openly cried. Beth just laid on her back, halfway into the bathroom stall, her knees drawn up outside it. And Delphine curled around her head, ear pressed to Beth’s collarbone, lips brushing her jaw, hand covering the brunette’s dark eyes.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beth Has A Bad Day. I should write fucking children's books.

Alison and Beth left the hospital hand-in-hand, both somber, with heads down. Delphine hung onto Beth’s free arm and they led her in a zombie-like trance to the parking lot and stood there waiting until Mrs. Cormier’s car pulled up. The tall woman strode quickly around the car, wrapping her daughter in a warm hug, peppering her tear-stained face with kisses, humming comforting French into the blonde’s ear.

Tony and Felix had tried to urge the twins to follow. Beth could still hear Sarah’s gruff protestations from down the hall and Helena’s shrill screech still rang in her ears. Neither of them were quite ready to give up their position outside Cosima’s room. They’d all agreed to meet there again in the morning and Alison offered to make the rounds at school and gather everyone’s homework.

“Do you want me to take you home?” The shorter girl asked when they finally slid into her car.

Beth shook her head, “It’s Thursday, we have dinner with your parents.”

Alison let out a weak laugh, “I think we can skip it.”

“No. I don’t want to ditch them. We flaked out on them last week to go to the arcade.” It seemed so foolish now— the arcade.

Alison nodded and turned the engine over.

Suburbia was equal parts peaceful and terrifying. Identical houses sat in perfect, neat rows at the ends of perfect, concrete driveways surrounded by perfect, even lawns. The fences weren’t all of the white-picket-variety, but Beth did see several that were. She craned her neck to see a man waving at them from behind his lawnmower as they passed. Her whole day felt like a dream.

Alison pulled up into her driveway, slowing the station wagon to a stop. She applied the e-brake and pulled the keys from the ignition, resting her hands in her lap and fiddling with the baubles on her keyring. Beth rested her head against the back of the seat, letting out a long breath.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

Alison nodded, pressing fingers against the skin behind her ear. “I can still take you home, it’s not that far.”

Beth shook her head, leaning forward and resting her head in her hands, elbows balancing on her knees. “No, it’s fine. We’re already here.”

“My parents will understand, Beth. They will, I promise.”

“Alison,” it came out harsh, she softened her voice, “it’s fine, let’s just go.” She opened the car door and stepped out into the warm sunshine. Summer was fast approaching, it made her want to run, want to drink, want to do a lot of things. She sighed and slid into her pocket to brush fingertips over the metal coin sitting heavy there— 2 months, it said. Two months and four days. She wondered what it would say when the ache in her throat finally subsided, the burn in her chest, the itch in her palms. A year? Three? Seven?

Alison’s door shut and she rounded the car, her eyes fell on Beth’s fingers dug into her pocket. She extended a hand, “It’s okay, Hot Shot, come on.”

Beth let herself be tugged up the walk to the front door which swung open as they stepped up onto the patio. Alison’s parents wore broad, matching smiles, her father had his arm around her mother’s back, his hand on her waist. Mrs. Hendrix waved happily and Mr. Hendrix leaned forward and pushed on the storm door. Alison caught it in her hand and held it open.

“Welcome, Beth!” Mr. Hendrix extended his arm to welcome them into the house. Beth startled, immediately jarred by her own reflection in a mirror facing the door. Her eyes were swollen and the skin around them was finally fading into its normal tone. She didn’t look like herself. Or maybe she looked too much like herself.

She ducked her head to avoid it. “Thank you,” she said shyly, stepping over the threshold. Before she knew what was happening Mrs. Hendrix had her in a tight hug, chin hooked over her shoulder.

“I’m so glad you could finally make it over for dinner, Beth.” She rubbed her a hand vigorously up and down Beth’s back.

Beth blinked when the woman pulled back, gripping her upper arms tightly and smiling at her like she was a fluffy baby animal. “Uh, yeah.” She tried a smile, “Thanks for inviting me. Sorry we’re a little late.”

“Oh nonsense,” Mr. Hendrix hugged Alison as she entered the house, kissing the top of her head, “we’re just happy we could get you here!”

“Leave her alone, Mom,” Alison grabbed Beth’s hand and tugged her farther into the house, the tile of the entryway turning to clean, polished hardwood. The wood wasn’t dusty or dark or full of deep scratched grooves like Beth’s floors. They stopped at a rug with several sets of neatly paired shoes. Alison pulled her sneakers off one at a time and lined them up and Beth followed suit, toeing off her Chucks. 

She snubbed her nose and looked around, the kitchen was at the end of the hall, and she’d seen a formal living room to the left of the entryway before they’d passed, stairs to the right. “You’ve got a lovely home.” Alison squeezed her hand in support.

“Oh, thank you, Beth!” Mrs. Hendrix brushed by on her way to the kitchen, shaking Beth’s shoulders playfully. “You’re so polite. I love it!”

Beth watched her retreating back, still shell-shocked. Mr. Hendrix slipped behind them to follow his wife, “Dinner will be ready in a few. Do you want to give Beth the tour and then we can all chat while your mom finishes up? A big envelope came for you today, Ali, your mom and I would like to watch you open it.” His hand was heavy and warm on Beth’s shoulder, he squeezed it kindly and walked off down the hall when Alison nodded.

“Come on, I’ll show you my room.” Alison turned on her heel and pulled Beth back through the entry way and up the stairs. Her room was right at the top of the stairs. The walls were painted sky blue and the carpet was fresh white, without a stain in sight. “My parents’ room is down there,” she pointed down the hall, “and the office and a guest room.” She nudged Beth further into her room and shut the door behind them. “I can’t believe this is your first time here.”

Beth chewed on her cheek, nodding slowly, taking in the room. A four post bed sat in the center of the far wall, white painted wood and a blue tulle canopy. There were soccer trophies proudly displayed on shelves mounted along the walls and a bookcase filled with short paperback playbooks and hardbound novels, meticulously organized. There were motivational posters and images of soccer stars tacked up around the room. On the wall above Alison’s bed was a Toronto FC jersey in a shadowbox and pinned pamphlets from games she’d been to. Alison jumped up on the bed, “This is where I keep stuff from my favorite games—” she pointed to one, “Look, it’s the only loss that’s up here.”

Beth crossed the room and climbed up on the bed, standing at the head of it next to Alison, the pamphlet was from the TFC-SKC game earlier that year— their first date. Beth recognized her handwriting on the corner: ‘Montreal Impact 4 lyfe’. Alison had drawn a line through it and doodled a little blacked-out heart under it. ‘Beth Childs is adorable’ was scribbled across the bottom with ‘Ali Hendrix is way cuter’ above it. Beth felt a genuine smile tug at the corners of her lips for the first time in hours. “I can’t believe you kept this.”

“Of course I did.” Alison’s fingers slipped through Beth’s belt loops, tugging their hips together. “I have the program from opening night of the musical too.” She jerked her head over her shoulder to the dresser sharing a wall with the door. She released Beth’s jeans and jumped off the bed, landing with a thud that shook the room. Beth slid off the bed and followed to the big white-painted hardwood dresser. Resting on top of it was a large mirror that took up a third of its length, the edge of which was littered with old, fraying soccer stickers: goal nets and corner flags and soccer balls, some colored in with marker or crayon. There were pictures of Alison and Rachel tucked between the mirror and the wooden edge, arms draped over shoulders and big smiles. Beth had never seen Rachel’s smile up close before, she was really quite beautiful.

One photo was of them still very small, in tiny kits, each had a tiny boot up on a tiny ball and they held a trophy between them. Another was more recent, maybe only a few years old, Alison and several other girls had Rachel up on their shoulders, the blonde had a hand the top of Alison’s head, her other hand in the air with a finger extended skyward: #1. She reached out to flick the corner of another with her thumb, both girls were sweaty and covered in blades of grass; Alison’s smile was enormous, she had an arm around Rachel’s waist and the other teen had both arms wrapped around her neck, red lips planted firmly against Alison’s cheek.

“Here,” Alison tapped the bottom corner of the mirror. Sure enough, it was the program from the musical, BARE: A POP OPERA was printed across the top of the blue paper. Beth pulled it from its spot tucked under the wood and opened it. Her name was easy to find, mostly because Alison had circled it big and bold and had drawn little hearts all around it. ‘Beth+Ali’ was written in a blank space. Beth chuckled out a breath and ran her fingertips over the grooves caused by Alison’s tight-fisted penmanship.

She looked up into Alison’s smiling brown pools, “You’re too cute.” Alison shrugged.

“Do you want to go back downstairs?”

Beth shook her head slowly, sliding the program back in place. She brought both hands up to cup Alison’s cheeks, “I love you, Ali.”

Alison’s eyes widened, “Beth—“ she whispered. Beth closed the distance and kissed her softly. The shorter girl tried to lean into the affection but her grin quickly got in the way, her teeth knocking against Beth’s lips. Alison’s hands moved to her girlfriend’s waist and she tugged her along, taking steps backward until her knees hit the mattress, “Come on.” They separated and clambered up the bed.

Beth pushed herself back with her heels until she was leaning against the pillows. Alison threw a leg over her hips and settled over her before reaching to pull out the elastic that kept Beth’s hair tied up. Fingers tangled in Alison’s shirt, pulling her down until she was laying against the taller girl. She rested her weight on her elbows and ran her hands through Beth’s hair, fluffing it out. “Kiss me.” Beth whispered, her voice tinged with sadness.

Alison suddenly stopped playing with the thick hair and her eyes dropped to Beth’s, which were watery and unfocused. She pulled a hand free to ghost fingers across trembling lips, “Do you want to talk about Cos—“

Beth grabbed Alison’s wrist and lunged upward, cutting her off with a frustrated kiss, wrapping her free hand around the back of her girlfriend’s neck to keep their lips pressed tightly together. Alison relented and relaxed against Beth’s body. She moved her mouth slowly to try and ease Beth’s tense hold on her, but Beth wouldn’t let up. Her grip was strong against the nape of Alison’s neck, her kiss firm and insistent. Alison reached up to pull Beth’s hand free. It took some wrestling to catch both of them and she pinned them to the pillows above Beth’s head with one hand. She used her other hand to cup Beth’s cheek. Still kissing her slow and easy, Alison could feel the tensing and twitching muscles of Beth’s jaw working under her palm. “Hey, breathe,” she whispered against Beth’s lips.

The taller girl released the breath she’d been holding like a knot in her lungs and squeezed her eyes shut tight against stinging tears. She blindly lifted her head, searching, but Alison pulled her neck back and guided Beth back down to the pillows with a hand on her chest. She released Beth’s wrists and used the pads of her thumbs to brush against her girlfriend’s still-closed eyelids. Beth’s jaw clenched and it quivered with the effort. “Shh,” Alison cooed, dropping her head to run lips across Beth’s brow. She shifted further up the mattress, dropping onto her side and pulling Beth close.

Beth wrapped her arms around Alison’s waist and buried her face in the shorter teen’s shirt. She slowly lost the war with the tears she’d been fighting against. A choked sob broke from her throat and she pulled in a strangled breath. Alison tightened her hold on Beth’s shoulders, kissing the top of her head, her nose getting lost in unruly hair. Beth’s words were muffled against Alison’s chest, “Delphine says it’s worse than Cosima is letting on.”

Alison pulled back, urging Beth’s face upward to force her into eye contact, “What?”

Beth shrugged, sniffling, tears dropping in thin rivers. “Cos doesn’t want anyone to know how bad things are.” Alison drew in a deep, shaking lungful of air. She pulled Beth back into place against her. “She’s dying, Ali.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the characters in this fanfiction are multifaceted with complex emotions and motivations... except Alison's parents. Originally I was like, "I should make them more than this" but then I realized how funny they are as little cookie-cutter people and I decided to leave them. Take them as they are, at face value. This isn't their last appearance. They're too fun to just leave in the background.


	23. Chapter 23

Beth’s father had a strong grip on the back of her neck when he pulled her across the center console of his truck to kiss the side of her head. “You okay, bub?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper in the fragile silence. She hadn’t spoken the whole ride to the hospital, just watched the world go by out the window, her fingers tangled in her lap, picking at hangnails. She nodded, tearing apart the soft, shredded skin lining her cheek. He let out a heavy breath and faced forward, holding tight to the steering wheel. “Alright. I called the school and let ‘em know you’d be out today.”

“Thanks,” she tried to say the word, but it just came out as empty air, her lips forming around it.

He nodded and reached over to squeeze her thigh. “Do you want me to come in with you?” Beth shook her head and reached for the door handle, pushing it open and turning to face the morning air, the sun beating down promised a hot day ahead. She felt his hand at her back, moving up between her shoulder blades to grip the base of her neck, shaking her gently. She took in a deep breath and slipped off the seat, dropping the distance to the asphalt. “I love you, kid.”

She turned and smiled weakly, unable to look him in the eye, just shut the door and waved as he drove away. She shoved her hands into her pockets and kicked a rock along as she walked towards the building’s entrance. Tony and Delphine were already outside, smoking on a stucco wall that held back a landscape of flowers and bushes— far too close to the doors to be legal. Beth wasn’t sure they were even allowed to smoke on the property at all. Neither of them seemed to care.

She stopped when she got close and the trio stayed in the quiet for full minutes, listening to the chattering of birds on highline poles. “How is she?” Beth finally said, except she had to say it twice, had to will her voice box into sound.

“Better,” Tony said, “we can go in her room.”

Beth’s hand moved up to the back of her neck to self-soothe, massaging the tense muscles. “When did you guys leave yesterday?”

Tony scoffed, “When they kicked us out— and I mean that literally. Sarah fought tooth and nail, I thought she was going to beat the orderly.”

Delphine smiled sadly and Beth let out a low laugh, muttered, “Yeah, I can see that.”

“Helena got her claws in one, she nearly got us banned and barred.” He shook his head, smiling fondly.

“Is everyone here already?”

Tony nodded, “Yeah, they’re inside.”

Delphine finally whispered, struggling as Beth had to coax her voice to action, “Is Sarah still mad at me?”

Tony scratched his beard and took a long drag from his cigarette, nodding slowly, “Yeah, definitely.”

Delphine sighed, her tone desperate and pleading, “I wanted to tell everyone, I really did—”

“Hey,” Tony held out a hand, “you don’t gotta explain yourself to me, babe. I ain’t Sarah, I don’t got her weird thing about secrets.”

“Merci,” the blonde mumbled, drawing in a pull of smoke.

Beth imagined they were majestic dragons, perched on the low wall, that their mournful faces were just resting-dragon-face and not caused by the fall of a fellow flyer, that they weren’t slowly becoming the last of their kind. They billowed out smoke from their nostrils and Beth imagined that it came from living and soulful fires in the pits of their stomachs.

***

They’d somehow managed to cram together on the bed, Sarah laying out on her side pressed up tight against Cosima and Helena curled at the dreaded teen’s other hip, head on her chest, arm draped over her midsection. The twins’ fingers tangled in the dip of Cosima’s waist, trapped between Sarah’s stomach and their sick friend’s side. Both of them had a knee over one of Cosima’s legs. The three of them were sleeping peacefully, Cosima’s head resting back against a papery hospital pillow.

Tony eased the door shut quietly behind them. Felix was curled up in a chair, arms wrapped around his knees, absently flicking through channels, his dead eyes glued to the tv bolted in the corner of the ceiling. “Hey, boy.” Tony walked around the bed with gentle foot-falls, leaning down to click his lips against Felix’s. The taller boy scooted forward on the chair and Tony climbed over him, settling in behind his boyfriend and pulling the teen back into his chest. Felix just rocked back on his tailbone, letting his head drop weakly against Tony’s shoulder.

Delphine and Beth wandered to the pair of chairs set against the wall at the foot of the bed, each taking a seat in silence. “Be honest,” Beth tucked her jaw behind Delphine’s sharp shoulder, her voice low to avoid drawing the boys’ attention, “how is she today?”

Delphine nodded slowly, “Better than yesterday, that much is true.” But her hazel eyes were sad and filled with worry when she glanced up to watch her girlfriend’s stuttered breathing. “They are giving her oxygen. It’s helping.”

Beth’s teeth caught her cheek and she followed Delphine’s eye-line to the teens curled on the bed. “I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with Sarah on top of all this. I wish there was some—“

“Non,” Delphine whispered, “dealing with Sarah is just another part of this. I knew it would be. I begged Cosima to be straightforward with everyone from the day we…” she took in a shaking lungful, “from the day we found out.”

“She refused?”

“Yes, she’s been running from it herself. We thought there would be more time.” Her lip was drew between tightly clenched teeth. She mumbled, “We thought there would be more time.” A deep breath, she seemed to steel herself before speaking again, “It is better this way. Cosima does not need Sarah mad at her now. She needs all the support she can get. We need to be here for her through this.”

Beth sighed and shifted, pulling her hands into her lap and bending a knee, tucking her heel up onto the chair. “Yeah, but Cos isn’t the only one who needs support right now.” She took in the side of Delphine’s face.

***

Alison and Cosima’s nurse entered at the same time several hours later, smiling and chatting. Their conversational tone woke the room’s inhabitants— Delphine and Beth leaning against each other in their chairs, Tony and Felix had drifted off together, as well.

Sarah groaned, twisting away from Cosima’s side, releasing her sister’s fingers. “Whassat, then?” Her eyes cracked open and she jolted up when she saw the nurse. Her sudden movement pulled Helena sharply from sleep and she too was quickly seated on the bed.

“Hey, guys. My name is Leroy, I’ll be helping Cosima out today. Cosima, are your parents stopping by at all?” He asked.

Her eyes blinked open and she nodded, “Yeah,” her voice caught in her throat. She cleared it with a half-hearted cough that quickly grew out of control. Sarah pushed her up until she was seated and the nurse moved to their side. Helena jumped off the bed and watched the scene with wide, frightened eyes. The nurse soothed Cosima’s back with one hand, pulling a bundle of clean tissues from the pocket of his scrubs and pressing them to her mouth. Beth shifted in her seat, leaning forward as Delphine stood.

Sarah tried to hold tight to Cosima’s fingers, but the girl twisted them free and pressed into the man’s hand where he covered her lips. “There you go, get it all out,” he muttered, comforting, patting her between the shoulder blades. When he finally pulled the tissues away they were no longer white— where they’d rested against Cosima’s mouth they were stained dark and wet with partially clotted blood, angry black and red.

Beth’s eyes slid shut and she pressed her forehead to Delphine’s hip. The blonde lifted a hand, holding Beth’s head to her side, fingers shaking against her cheek.

“I just came to check on you,” the nurse said, dabbing at Cosima’s mouth and offering her more tissues. “You need a drink?”

Alison was at his side in a flash, offering a water bottle, “Here.”

Cosima took thankful gulps, her breathing slowly returning to normal. “Thanks,” she mumbled, wiping her lips against a forearm in frustration. “I didn’t want you guys to see that.”

“Hey, don’t you worry about us, Cos.” Sarah ran a gentle hand over Cosima’s dreads, “Just focus on getting better, yeah?”

Alison smiled sadly, “I brought everyone’s homework,” she shifted the books she held in her arms. “All of the teachers were very understanding.”

The man looked around at all of them, “You guys going to be hanging around all day?” Off of everyone’s nods he smiled, “Good, good. I’ll be back in an hour or two to check on our girl here,” he patted her back, “you kids keep an eye on her while I’m gone. The nurse’s station is right around the corner if you need anything.” He waved on his way out the door.

The clack of the latch brought with it a thick silence to settle over the group. Alison shifted in the emptiness, wordlessly enlisting Helena’s help to pass out schoolwork. When the blonde handed Tony his paper-clipped bundle of instructions he glanced at it momentarily before throwing it across the room in a burst of frustrated anger, the papers pulling free of each other, scattering and fluttering about as they fell.

“Tony,” Beth’s voice was sharp and pointed, “not helping.” His burning ash eyes only kept heated contact for a moment before falling. He sighed and nodded before sliding out from behind Felix and shamefully gathering his papers.

Cosima had been near tears since the nurse had left and Delphine finally spoke, “Do you guys think you could give us a few minutes?”

Beth stood, “Yeah, let’s go grab some breakfast. You hungry, Cos?” The dreaded teen shook her head, but Delphine’s fingers wrapped around Beth’s wrist, mouthing ‘yes please’. Beth smiled and nodded. “Alright, come on, guys.”

She led them all out of the room, waiting until the last of them was through the doorway before poking her head back in. “We’ll be back in half an hour or so, is that good?”

Delphine already had her hip hiked up on Cosima’s bed, sliding under the blanket with her. She smiled over her shoulder at Beth and nodded, “Oui, merci, Beth.” Beth watched as long arms circled Cosima’s frame, gentle lips brushing away finally-falling tears.

She shut the door behind her.

Alison’s hand found hers easily. When Beth turned to catch her eyes she found them desperate for the contact. “Hey,” Beth offered, her lips curling slightly upward, “I’m glad you’re here.”

The shorter girl returned the smile and her free hand crossed her body to cling to the bend of Beth’s elbow. “Did you sleep?”

Beth shook her head and started after the rest of the group, far ahead of them, “Not much.”

“Me neither.” They walked without speaking for several moments before Alison tugged Beth aside, “Can we just—“ her fingers tightened against Beth’s hand, jaw tilted up, lips searching.

Beth leaned her shoulder into the wall, drawing Alison’s hand behind her and releasing it when it found the small of her back, slim fingers pressing into muscle through Beth’s t-shirt. Beth’s hands cupped splotchy red cheeks and pulled Alison in for a gentle kiss. “I never thought to ask how you were feeling.” Beth whispered as she ran her thumbs against the corners of Alison’s lips.

The teen let out a quaking breath, “I’m okay, I’m worried about you.”

Beth shook her head, “I’m not the one you should be worried about.”

Alison caught Beth’s jaw with her free hand, dark eyes locking, “You deserve some of my worry too. I can worry about all of you at once.”

Beth let out a chuckle, “I guess,” and pressed their foreheads together.

“I saw you, yesterday.” Alison dipped two fingers into Beth’s tight pocket to toy with the metal chip. “Are you…”

“I’m okay,” Beth sighed and looked down, scuffing her Chucks against the tile, “It just seems like everything is happening so fast— everything is moving around me. Feeling that way…” she shook her head, “it’d be easier to deal with drunk.”

Alison met her eyes again, “I can be your something solid. I can be here and unmoving.” Beth let out a puff of air from between smiling lips.

Sarah’s unintelligible voice came echoing down the hall, ricocheting around corners, catching their attention, “Every time Sarah looks at Delphine I think she’s going to jump across the room and tear her eyes out.” Beth grumbled under her breath.

Alison sighed, “That’s not fair.”

“Sarah doesn’t care about fair, she only cares about herself.”

The hand at the small of Beth’s back pulled her closer and Alison knocked their noses together, “At least Delphine has you.”

“—Has us.”

***

The teens returned to find Cosima and Delphine with tongues and calves intertwined.

“Ooooo!” Felix jeered, swatting at them.

“Get it, girls!” Tony laughed, dropping to bounce his body against the edge of the thin mattress and letting it spring him back to his feet.

“Oh, knock it off, you assholes.” Cosima laughed, “You couldn’t have found something to keep yourselves busy for a few more minutes?”

Sarah flopped down onto a chair, “And let you two dirty up this room with your sex? Nah.”

Alison smiled and gestured to the flush of color in Cosima’s cheeks, “You seem to be feeling better.”

“Yeah, totally,” Cosima shifted onto her back, pulling Delphine’s head down to rest on her chest and burying a kiss in fluffy blonde hair. “My girl here is better than modern medicine.” Delphine giggled, hiding her smile in Cosima’s shoulder. No one but Beth noticed her hand, tenting the blanket, shifting quickly upwards to rest on her girlfriend’s stomach. Beth rolled her eyes and dropped an armful of muffins and fruit cups on the rolling tray at the foot of Cosima’s bed for the girls who’d stayed behind. 

She sat in an open chair and pulled Alison back onto her lap, kissing the back of her neck. “Anyone want to do homework?”

There was a chorus of laughter. “Man, fuck that,” Tony said.

“You know what I want to do?” Cosima said, her amber eyes glittering under the harsh sterility of the hospital lighting, “I want to smoke some weed.”

Delphine’s head shot up, “You really shouldn’t.”

“Oh come on,” Cosima pinched the blonde’s arm, “let me have some fun.”

Tony was already raring to go. “Let’s do it!”

Delphine sat up and looked at him, “No, don’t encourage her, Tony.” She turned her focus back to Cosima, “You can’t smoke on the premises anyway.”

“Funny how that rule hasn’t stopped _you_ from lighting up.” Sarah’s voice was harsh, she stood, stretching, “Come on then, let’s find somewhere quiet and get bombed.”

“The night nurse for sure smokes, I think she hides behind the dumpsters outside the doors not far from here. I’ve seen her slip out a few times.” Cosima nodded seriously.

Alison’s eyes went wide, “There is a nurse here that works high? That is so insanely dangerous.”

Cosima shrugged, “Whatevs. Are you guys down or what?”

Beth and Delphine locked eyes, Delphine pleading with her to come up with a plan. Beth cleared her throat and shook her head, “Look, what if we brought you a vaporizer tomorrow?” That caught Cosima’s attention. Beth’s eyebrows rose in question, holding out her hands, “You’ll get just as high but it’ll be easier on your lungs.”

Tony was already nodding along, “That’s a great idea, dude.”

Sarah’s face was twisted in a grimace, but even she slowly agreed, “Yeah, that’s good. We’ll bring you a vape tomorrow, Cos.”

“Nah, man, I’ll go grab one from home. I can be back in an hour.” Tony smiled broadly, “We’ll party it up!”

Delphine shrugged, defeated, and watched Cosima bounce gleefully in the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week: The gang get into some mischievous fun and a mysterious woman's arrival could change two teen's futures forever.


	24. Chapter 24

Beth pulled her head out of Cosima’s room and turned to look at Alison, her face contorted with confusion, “They’re not in there.” There were nurses running around— some wore worried faces, other’s grimaces of annoyance. A beeping alarm came from somewhere nearby, not terribly loud, but certainly insistent.

Alison’s phone chimed and she glanced down at it. Smiling and grabbing Beth’s hand, she led the taller girl down a maze of halls until they came to a door held ajar by a small rock. “They found something a bit more fun to do.” Alison grinned. She pushed the door open and waved Beth out.

Helena was running at top speed down the sidewalk, pushing Cosima’s wheelchair, racing past them. They both hooted as they flew past Beth and Alison, the sick teen’s arms up as if on a roller coster. Beth chuckled and glanced around the corner, finding Felix with his thighs up on Tony’s broad shoulders, his legs wrapped back under Tony’s arms and around his ribcage, trying to reach a frisbee that had caught in a tree— it was still just out of reach. Sarah and Delphine sat nearby in the grass, very busily not talking to each other.

“Are you the reason the nurses are freaking out?” Beth called out after Helena and Cosima.

Delphine smiled and waved them over. Tony set Felix down and jogged over to meet them, “Yeah, they had a monitor on her that went off if she went through the ICU door so we cut it and ran.”

“That seems really…” Alison struggled to find a polite word.

“Awesome.” Beth finished for her. “It sounds awesome, great job.” She gave Tony a high-five and flopped down next to Delphine, splaying out in the grass and moving her arms and legs, trying to make a grass angel.

Delphine eased onto her back and mimicked the motions, her long gangly arms knocking into Beth’s, “It is such a nice day, we could not keep her cooped up.”

The sun was hot, the air almost muggy in a way that urged the shifting teens into activity. “We’ve been out here fifteen minutes or so,” Sarah reported, glancing at the clock on her phone. “I imagine we’ve got a bit less than that until they catch us.” Her voice rose so that Cosima and her driver could hear, “What do you lot want to do before we get busted?!”

The duo skittered to a stop and changed directions quickly, taking the wheelchair off-roading through the grass, bouncing dramatically this way and that until they finally pulled up next to the rest of the group. Cosima waggled a palm-sized walkie-talkie-shaped object, clicking a button on the side of it. Tony had happily brought her his vaporizer and a small stash of weed. It hissed quietly while it heated and after a few moments it clicked. She drew in a shallow breath through the antenna of the thing, but Beth could see her ribcage shudder.

“I have a soccer game later, if you guys are going to be here I thought Beth could come with me.” Alison twined her fingers between Beth’s. “But if you guys have stuff to do, she can stay here with Cos.”

“I don’t need a babysitter, you jerks.” But Cosima’s words were quiet, choosing to pull in another hit rather than start a fight she’d rather not win.

Delphine shook her head, “I think we’ll be here all day,” she looked around for affirmation.

Everyone but Tony nodded. “I’ll have to dip out for a few hours in the afternoon, I got a bit of work to do, but I’ll be back after.” He said. “You two go enjoy yourselves.”

“Hey!” Two orderlies shoved open the door and came striding out angrily, pointing at them.

“Less time than you thought, Sare. Run!” Tony shouted. All the kids took off in different directions, Cosima pushing out of her wheelchair.

Beth and Alison ran towards the parking lot, Beth glancing over her shoulder to keep track of the others. The orderlies were grabbing teens around the middle under each arm and hoisting them off their feet, “They got Delphine…and Cosima…Oh, Helena is fighting.”

Alison giggled and tugged her along, “Com’on, before they catch us.” But no one was chasing them and they made it out to Alison’s station wagon without a problem.

“Are you ready for the game?” Beth asked, sliding in beside Alison.

The shorter girl nodded, “Yeah, I’m a little nervous but I’m alright.”

Beth chewed her lip, “You need pump up music.”

“You mean, like the Original Broadway Cast Recording of Wicked?! That’s such a good idea!” Alison turned in her seat to grab her CD case out of the back.

“No, Ali,” Beth caught her arm and spun her back to face forward, “I didn’t mean the Original Broadway Cast Recording of Wicked.”

***

“Elizabeth,” Rachel nodded to her politely before taking in a large breath and pausing, “I am…” her long eyelashes fluttered— she was wearing mascara even as she was stretching before the game— she shifted, uncomfortable, “I was sorry to hear about your friend.” She didn’t sound sorry, her voice was empty and emotionless, even more so than usual.

Beth glanced over the leggy girl’s shoulder to see Alison, bouncing gleefully with a giddy smile torn wide across her face. “Uh, thanks Rachel.” Her eyes dropped back to Alison again who gave two thumbs up, nearly bursting out of her skin with excitement.

Rachel nodded sharply and spun, Alison managed to contain herself just in time to appear stoic when Rachel faced her. “Please get your romantics out of the way, Alison, we have to prep the girls.” Alison nodded, eyes downcast. Rachel strode powerfully away, deeper into the locker room where the squad was changing into their kits.

Alison’s lips were tight together, sucked between her teeth. She slowly let her eyes come back up to land on Beth’s and her smile returned, bigger and more brilliant than before. “That was wonderful!” She hissed, glancing over her shoulder before hopping up and down and grabbing for Beth’s hands.

“That was wonderful?” Beth’s smile was unconvinced.

Alison rolled her eyes, “Are you kidding? That was incredible. Cosima is Sarah’s best friend…Rachel offering her condolences? I think you’re growing on her.”

Beth grunted, “Well she’s not growing on me.”

“Hey, be nice,” Alison squeezed her hands, “she’s important to me.”

“Yeah, I know,” Beth relented, sighing, “she just…rubs me the wrong way.”

“She rubs everyone that way.” Alison’s movements quieted, “Thank you… for being so good with her. You have no idea how much it means to me.”

Beth smiled and kissed Alison’s peaceful smile, “Anything for you.” After a beat she added, “But seriously, you know she’s a sociopath, right?”

Alison hummed and leaned into her, urging Beth into a wider smile and a deeper kiss, their tongues pressing briefly. “I am so ready for this game,” Alison whispered as she pulled away.

“You should be, you guys have been playing well.” Beth ran her hands up and down Alison’s arms before straightening her kit— maroon with a diagonal stripe in grey from shoulder to hip— home colors. “East York doesn’t stand a chance.”

One of the girls from the squad rounded the corner between the bathrooms and the changing room, scoffing “They might, they haven’t lost a game yet this year.” Beth recognized her from their gym class.

“Margery, your ill-timed fears have been noted. Please take a seat.” Rachel’s normally smooth accent came out a warning growl. “Alison.”

Alison smiled at Beth and pressed their lips together once more, pouting as they broke apart. “I’ll be on the sidelines,” Beth squeezed Alison’s shoulders and spun her around, shoving her gently into the circle of teens forming.

***

Beth noticed her right away. She’d seen enough of the team’s parents to know that she didn’t belong to any of the kids. And she had a stance about her, the way she took in the pitch that screamed ‘not a mom’, that screamed ‘I know what I’m doing’, that screamed ‘I know what I’m looking for’. Beth eyed her carefully, shifting from one foot to the other on the sideline, shouting out praise when Alison took down an opposing striker.

The woman had a camcorder set up, though she looked through the view-finder sparingly. She had her arms crossed and was watching the game intently with practiced eyes. The girls stormed into the attacking third and Beth took the opportunity to circle around the woman, following the herd. Her equipment bag was at the foot of her tripod and with the new angle Beth recognized the logo stitched on it immediately: the gold background, the ball nearly covered with a red patch— FLASH underlined by a lightning bolt. It was the shield of the Western New York Flash football club. Dark eyes widened and darted back to the game.

She’d spent enough time watching practices to see the set up. Alison darting, dipping, weaving, a hand up in the air, directing the play. Beth saw Rachel’s head turn, catching Alison’s eye, then a glance over her other shoulder to see Margery with the ball. Her cleats dug into the earth, pliable under her feet, and she took off with an admirable burst of speed. Two defenders caught to Margery when she pushed forward with a surge and they moved quickly to trap her between them. Beth smiled, this was a play she’d seen timed out in practice, and it was unfolding perfectly. She glanced over at the scout whose eyes were glued to the action and narrowing with interest.

Margery took a stutter step, transferring the ball to her inside foot before she stopped cold; one defender kept running, looking back over her shoulder a moment too late, the other lost her footing trying to stop and rolled to the ground. Margery darted three steps to the right and back-heeled the ball around her outside foot without missing a beat, sending the ball right in Alison’s direction. The short teen trapped it with ease and took a few quick steps forward before careening the ball towards the goal. Rachel leapt, redirecting the shot perfectly into the upper left 90— just outside the keeper’s outstretched glove. Beth thrust her fists up and jumped into the air. She let out a loud whoop and whistled while the team celebrated, Rachel and Alison crashing into each other. Rachel crooked her forearm around Alison’s skull, pressing a kiss tightly to the teen’s temple. Beth could see her painted lips and pearly teeth, the blonde was smiling and saying something that had Alison doubling over with laughter. Margery was on them quickly, hopping into the air and landing on Alison’s back, she slid off and spun into Rachel’s open arms.

Beth grinned when Alison’s eyes moved to the sidelines to find hers. “Get it, Ali!” She screamed, loud enough for Alison to hear over the clapping crowd. Alison blew her a kiss and jogged towards the center of the pitch.

When the game started up again Beth stole a glance at the watching woman— her arms were crossed but the corner of her tight lips was raised a fraction of an inch in a nearly imperceivable smirk. Beth’s smile widened and she hooted again, clapping as the next play wound up.

It wasn’t long before a girl Beth hadn’t seen much of was taking a corner kick. Molly, she thought her name was— she’d sniped the girl from Alison’s pick-up team in gym one Spring afternoon. Beth squinted into the frenzy of teens in the box, usually Rachel took their right corner kicks and sent them high and tight— in-swingers towards the near post. The ball shot off the teen’s boot and Beth’s brow furrowed when it blasted straight and low towards the middle of the pack, sure to be stopped by the large East York midfielder that was standing tall waiting for it to come close, already turning her body with her arms tucked behind her back. Beth didn’t even see Alison barreling in, body crouched, head ducked, and it seemed none of the East York players did either. They’d clearly studied East Toronto’s set pieces and were expecting a high lob. The ball and Alison’s head connected with a _thwump_ and it was far too late for the struggling goalie to dart the three steps to the left it would have taken to save the point. She dove, but the ball was under her, grazing her side as it past. She landed heavily in the grass at the same time that the ball swished into the back of the net.

Beth’s hands covered her mouth and she bent at the waist, spinning on a planted foot with disbelief. When she finally opened her eyes she found Alison still on the ground, piled under three of her own teammates.

The next goal went to Margery, with an assist from Rachel, to close out the first half.

***

The girls were all jumping up and down when Beth crashed through the locker room door; some were standing on metal benches, all of them hugging each other and laughing loudly. “Holy shit!” Beth shouted over the ruckus, opening her arms wide, “You guys!”

The team all turned to her and kicked up their cheering another notch, chanting and stomping their feet. Rachel walked in from the washroom, stopping at her side, hand finding Beth’s upper back. She only had to raise her voice for a moment, the team quieted the instant they heard her, “You’ve all performed admirably, but we still have forty-five minutes of play.”

“Oh come on, Cap!” Molly groaned. “We’re three up! There is no way they’re coming back from that!”

A small smile graced Rachel’s face, it was a tense thing, but a smile none-the-less. “Margery, how many games have East York lost this year?”

There was an uncomfortable silence, “None, Captain,” Margery answered, clipped, like a soldier— this is how they addressed her, with intense focus, attention, and respect.

“Mmm,” Rachel sucked on her teeth, “that’s right.” Alison found her way through the pack to Beth’s other side, her hand settling just below Rachel’s on Beth’s back. The blonde waited until Alison reached the front before she continued, “You’ve earned your celebrations, but do not forget who we’re up against. Don’t get complacent.”

Alison spoke next, commanding authority in a way Beth hadn’t heard before, “She’s right, and you all know it. We scored three goals in forty-five, there is nothing stopping them from doing the same.” The team shifted on the balls of their feet, eager to get back out on the pitch and cement their win. “Are we going to going out there like winners?”

“No, Captain.” The team spoke quietly in unison.

“Are we going to go out there like footballers?” Rachel asked.

“Yes, Captian.” They answered, a bit louder.

“Are we going to show them what East Toronto High’s varsity soccer team is all about?” Alison’s volume increased as well.

“Yes, Captain!” The team stomped once, in unison, their cleats scraping against the floor.

Rachel’s tight smile was back, “Determination.”

“Determination!” A stomp.

Alison had to raise her voice to be heard over the collective footfall, “Teamwork.”

“Teamwork!” The stomping continued this time, became rhythmic, and grew louder and louder.

 _Thud thud thud thud_ , the time between stomps shortened until the locker room was filled with rumbling thunder. Rachel stepped into the crowd, banging the side of her fist against a locker, clanging in time with the team’s heavy noise, “Honor and pride, Squad!”

Alison joined in with the response “Honor and pride, Captain!”

As soon as the words left their lips the team broke into a disorganized clammer, high-fives and hugs and chest bumps and screaming. Beth laughed, threw her arm over Alison’s shoulder, and nodded along with their cheering. Alison leaned into her and pressed lips to Beth’s cheek. Beth tucked her head back to whisper in Alison’s ear, “There is a scout from the Western New York Flash watching.”


	25. Chapter 25

“Thank you, thank you so much.” Alison was beaming from ear to ear as she vigorously pumped the scout’s hand.

Rachel took her hand next, “We appreciate the interest,” she too was smiling as she firmly shook— it was her ‘game smile’, as Beth was starting to think of it, white teeth made whiter by the contrast of her blood red lips.

The woman nodded and reached down to grab her equipment. As soon as she left, Alison darted across the distance into Beth’s arms, “Oh my God, Beth!”

Beth lifted her and spun, both of them laughing freely, “I’m so proud of you!”

“Excellent game, Alison.” Rachel patted the short girl on the shoulder as she made her way to the rest of the team who were all chatting happily with their families on the bleachers. “Ladies, I’ll be buying lunch for anyone interested!” Her words were met with a chorus of cheers.

Beth’s cheeks ached from smiling, she pressed her forehead to Alison’s— dripping with sweat, “You gonna go get lunch?”

Alison hummed and shook her head, “I’d rather see Cosima.”

Their lips clicked together, “Alright, go clean up, you’re gross.”

Alison giggled and tugged at her hand, “Come with me.”

“Alright, alright. Gosh, you’re so clingy.” Beth chuckled, letting the smaller teen drag her towards the gym.

“You like it.” Alison knocked her hip into Beth’s as they walked.

She pulled off her jersey off when the heavy outer door closed, tossing it in Beth’s direction. She caught it and held it up, it was covered in grass stains and damp with sweat, “You should frame this.”

Alison laughed, “I’m not going to frame my own jersey.”

“Fine, I will then.” They turned into the hall, barely making it through the door of the locker room before Beth caught Alison around the waist and pressed her to the nearest wall, her lips finding her girlfriend’s. “You are so incredible,” Beth grumbled low in her chest.

“I know I am,” Alison pushed enough distance between them with her hips to slide out away from the wall. She walked towards the washroom, scrambling out of her boots and socks, her shinguards clattering against the tile.

Beth laughed, “Get a good win in her and she loses all humility.” Alison glanced over her shoulder, poking her tongue out before she pulled her sports bra over her head. "Not that you don't deserve it, of course. Christ, Ali, that set piece was insane." She followed Alison towards the showers.

"I know," she shimmied out of her shorts and underwear, sliding them back across the tile floor with a bare foot, "it was my idea. We'd only practiced it once before. Rachel is going to start taking my input more seriously after this."

Beth crossed her arms and kicked away the discarded clothes coming her way. "She should have been listening to you from the beginning."

"You don't hear me disagreeing, do you?" Alison dipped into a stall and turned the water on, stepping back out of the icy spray.

Beth cocked a hip against the low wall that separated the stalls, smiling, "You should have stood up to her sooner."

"I don’t know why everyone thinks dealing with Rachel has to be an aggressive move. I didn't have to _stand up to her_ …” Alison reached a hand up to test the water before dropping her head forward under it, her mouth opening when the water, still cold, hit her over-heated skin. "I just had to show her it would work." She reached up and tugged her hair elastic out, spinning to face Beth and flicking it at her.

She grinned and caught it out of the air. They seemed to realize, simultaneously, the situation they'd gotten themselves in. Beth blinked and Alison bit her lip nervously, turning to shield her body from her girlfriend's view. Beth cleared her throat and turned leaning her back into the wall, "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, I—" Alison's words caught in her throat.

Beth hung her head and focused on the hair band she stretched and twisted between her fingers. "You can talk about it, Ali. We— we can talk about it... about this... we should." Alison made a noise like she was trying to speak but was unable to form words. Beth ran a hand down her face and turned. Alison quickly crossed her arms over her chest so Beth looked away, "Does it make you uncomfortable?"

Alison shifted her weight, "No."

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable." Beth closed her eyes and kept her face turned.

She felt Alison close the distance between them and then a wet hand came up to cup her cheek, "I'm not uncomfortable, I just... I don't want to make _you_ uncomfortable."

Beth's dark eyes slid open and locked onto Alison's, pressing her jaw into the other girl's palm, "Don't ever think for a second that your body makes me uncomfortable."

"Can I kiss you?" Alison's voice was small.

Beth nodded, "Of course."

Alison got up on tip-toes to peck lips without pressing their bodies together. "How does this make you feel?"

"Kissing you?"

Alison smiled shyly, "No...seeing me..." she squirmed.

"Naked?" Beth grinned.

"Yeah."

Beth was quiet for a moment, thinking, "You're beautiful."

"That's not a feeling, but thank you." Alison's lips twitched downward, "I mean, how does it make you _feel_."

Another moment of silence and Beth shrugged, looking away, tears stinging the backs of her eyelids, "I don't know."

Alison reached for her hands and tugged at them gently to get Beth's attention, "Hey, that's okay." The spray of the water hitting the tile behind them seemed louder than before, "Have you ever..." Alison took a deep breath, "like...felt aroused before?" Beth groaned and tried to turn away but Alison held her hands tightly, "Beth, stop, it's okay. Everything is okay."

Beth had her eyes shut tight, she let out a gust of air, “Yeah, sure. Plenty of times.”

“Right now?"

Beth swore she'd never heard anything louder than the shower churning out water. She shook her head and Alison released one of Beth’s hands to reach up and wipe a tear from the taller girl’s cheek. "I don't understand how finding out that I'm not alone or broken makes me feel worse than I did before," she whispered.

Alison’s volume matched hers— barely there, "What do you mean?" Her thumb was gentle as it stroked Beth's cheek.

"Before," Beth shrugged, "I thought I just had a low sex drive, like I just wasn't as into it as everyone else."

"But now?"

She let out a shaky sigh and shook her head, dropping it low, "I don't know, it's like I can't be with you now… that way… like ever.” Dark eyes met Alison's, "I want to make you happy. And before, with Paul— when I felt that way I just did it, I just fucked him. I didn't like it that much, I mean it was alright I guess, but he was into it and it made him happy. Now it just feels like I'm forcing myself into something by wanting the same thing with you."

Alison bit her lip, "You feel like if we sleep together you'll—"

"Be betraying myself, or something." Tears fell easier, Beth's hands balled tight and she banged one down on the lacquered concrete wall, "I don't even know."

Alison grabbed her frustrated fist. “You don’t have to feel any of that.” She worked it open and soothed the edge of it with gently rubbing fingers.

"Yeah, that's really easy to say when you're not the one feeling it."

Alison sighed, “That’s not what I meant. I meant that you don't have to think about that kind of thing when we're together. I don't have any expectations of you."

“I know you don’t, that’s not the point.” Beth shook her head, teeth gnashing. “I just want to be able to have sex with you like I used to with Paul without feeling like it’s something negative I’m doing to myself.”

“Beth,” Alison chuckled and shook her head, moving to grab a towel from the folded stack on a nearby bench, “if you want to have sex someday…” she wrapped the cloth around herself and tucked the corner into the tension of the top to keep it in place, “then we can. If that’s something that you actually want to do, then we can.” She turned, reaching for Beth’s hips and easing her backwards until they were nestled back to front, “But not until you’ve decided what is acceptable for you, what you’re comfortable with doing with your own body— and with mine.” Beth’s head bobbed and Alison pressed her lips to the fabric between Beth’s shoulder blades. “I know you want to make sure I’m satisfied in our relationship, but you can’t put yourself in situations that make you uncomfortable.”

Beth leaned back into Alison and intertwined their fingers over her navel, “But what if I want to? At what point does my desire to make you happy override my complete and total…” she shrugged, searching for the appropriate word, “…apathy?…about sex?”

“I don’t know, maybe someday we’ll find out, maybe not. Either way that’s okay with me.” Alison rested her cheek against Beth’s shoulder. “And can we please stop calling it ‘making me happy’? _You_ make me happy, just you, okay? Not sex, just you.”

Beth sighed, “Even if I don’t…want it for myself, or whatever… I still want to do it— for you. Does that make me a shitty asexual? Is that a normal thing, do other asexual people feel that way?”

Alison laughed, “I don’t know, Beth.” She quieted and her tone turned serious, “Maybe you should worry less about comparing yourself to other people and just focus on yourself,” her arms tightened around Beth’s waist.

“I feel like all I do is focus on myself.” She held fast to Alison’s hands with one of her own, turning to face her, only releasing the shorter girl’s hands when they fit into the small of her back. “Can we focus on something else?”

Alison’s lips pursed, “Beth, I think we should focus on you. I think you’re just on the cusp of focusing on yourself and you’re feeling selfish about it. You haven’t focused on you for a long time.” Beth shifted uncomfortably, leaning back to move out of Alison’s grip, but the girl held her tighter, “Beth, I’m serious. Stop pulling away.” She did, and Alison tilted her jaw up for a kiss. Beth obliged, but only briefly. “Hey,” Alison’s hands moved up to cup her cheeks, pulling her back down, whispering against her lips, “please don’t shut me out, I want to be a part of this.”

Beth’s body gave, the tension melting out of her when Alison’s lips pressed firmly to hers. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, “I’m just all over the place right now. I wish Cos had never shown me that stupid fucking article.”

“We’ll sort this out together.” Alison was confident, kissing Beth again, “You like this, right? Kissing?” Beth smiled into her mouth. She could only nod in response when the shorter girl guided her back against the concrete barrier. Her world narrowed to Alison’s lips, the way it always did, so much so that she barely tracked the random droplets from the shower ricocheting off of surfaces and colliding with the back of her neck. And soon Alison’s hand was there, covering the skin, shielding it from the water, holding Beth tight to her. “I love you,” she whispered, “I love you so much.” 

The words made the floor drop out from under Beth’s feet, made her heart pound, she leaned harder into Alison, returning the heavy pressure of the girl against her and spun them so she had Alison pinned. She tried to pull back to say “I love you, too”, but the words had barely left her mouth before Alison covered it again with her own— taking in the sentiment on a harsh inhale. Beth’s arms wrapped tight around her girlfriend’s waist. Alison’s hands were on her hips and she could feel them stutter in their motion to slide under her shirt, on their next breath she exhaled quickly, “It’s okay,” and she released Alison long enough to guide the teen’s hands under the fabric. She slipped her arms back into place around Alison’s body, moving to close the distance between their mouths again but Alison’s head pulled back.

“Tell me,” she was panting for air, “I need to know how much is too much.”

Beth sat in the pause for a second, catching her breath and letting Alison do the same, her brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity, “I don’t know. I’m not sure. This is okay, this is good.”

Fingers splayed out across her stomach, both palms pressing into her skin, “Promise me,” Alison was still gulping in air, “promise you’ll—“

“I’ll stop you.” Beth said around a soft smile, her jaw working forward, straining for missed contact like she’d forget it if they were apart for more than the time it took to take a breath.

Alison let out a whimper when they met again, her tongue quick to find Beth’s and even quicker to pull back when a question burst from her throat, “Are you…” she took in another breath, her head shaking back-and-forth while she searched for words, “I mean, I’m like…” the red flush of her skin wasn’t lost on Beth— no longer a product of the sun’s heat.

Beth grinned, “I can tell. Do you want to take a break?”

“Yes. Yeah. Absolutely.” A laugh rode out of Alison’s chest on the back of a huff of air. “I’m sorry.” Beth bumped their noses together, her smile too wide to be comfortable. “Nothing, huh?” Alison’s voice was light-hearted, playful.

Beth chuckled, “I get turned on, Ali, I just…don’t want to do anything about it.” She joked, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Alison laughed, shoved her playfully. Beth was forced to sit when the backs of her knees hit the long metal bench running down the center of the washroom. Alison tightened the rumpled towel around her chest before she moved forward to straddle Beth, throwing her arms over her girlfriend’s shoulders and leaning down to brush Beth’s lips with her own. Her already dark hair was made darker with dampness and it hung down around them in curtains.

“I could kiss you for hours,” Beth hummed, straining to make contact again.

“I know you could. It wouldn’t be the first time.” Alison smiled and moved back just enough to stay out of reach, “What is it about this that you like so much, hmm?” Her question was teasing.

Beth’s eyes rolled back as she thought, teeth catching her cheek, she shrugged, “Feeling close to you.” She pressed a line of kisses across Alison’s exposed collarbone, running her hands up bare arms, palms barely grazing Alison’s skin, drawing up goosebumps, “The intimacy, it’s nice.”

“But you don’t feel anything, even though your body does?” There was no judgement, just honest curiosity.

Beth pulled back and cocked her head, “I feel a lot of things.”

“I meant…” Alison nodded downward in a vague gesture.

Beth snorted, “I know what you meant.” She shrugged, “I just feel close to you, happy, overwhelmed, like my whole chest is going to explode.” She paused before adding, “Arousal is just…like a side effect. It’s not what I’m after, it’s the free gift with purchase.”

“The one you throw in the back of the closet and never wear?” Her tongue was poking out from between her teeth and the sight of it made Beth’s heart swell.

“Yeah, exactly. The one you didn’t want to begin with, but it’s free and it’s in the bag and you’re walking out of the store…” Their giggling tapered off slowly until they were left with a few moments of silence. Beth’s expression dropped and she shifted her weight, lips twisting, the corner of them held tight between worrying canines. “What about you? I mean, you’re obviously, like, into this.”

Alison laughed and pressed her hips forward into Beth’s stomach, causing the taller girl’s worried expression to shift into a small smile, “I’m not going to lie, it’s really hot.” She rested her forehead against Beth’s, “You’re kind of an amazing kisser.”

Her smile faded just as quickly as it came, twisting back into self-conscious worry, “This isn’t too much, is it? I don’t want to leave you frustrated over and over again.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Alison dropped a kiss on the tip of Beth’s nose, “I can take care of myself.”

“Literally?” Beth smirked, holding Alison tight around the waist and leaning forward to throw her off balance.

The smaller girl squealed and locked her elbows around Beth’s neck until she righted them, “Yes, like literally. What do you think I do after I leave your house?”

“Yeah?” Beth laughed.

Alison was bright red but she was laughing too, “Yes, I drive home so fast I’m surprised I haven’t gotten pulled over!” She swatted the back of Beth’s head. When they calmed again she took a deep breath, “We should get back to the hospital.”

Beth nodded, “Yeah, go shower for real. You’re still gross.”

Alison jokingly pouted, sliding off of her lap and turning back to the showers. She called over her shoulder, “Well, don’t interrupt me this time!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If parts of this chapter felt uncomfortable and awkward, good, that's what I was going for. This is a fiercely uncomfortable conversation to have with a loved one.
> 
> If this chapter seems different from the others, there is a reason for that too. This one... is important? I guess? Important to me, personally, on a kind of serious level. I wrote an explanation (read: apology) over on tumblr. If you haven't visited yet, it's saint11icarus-- exactly the same as here.


	26. Chapter 26

Cosima’s doctors struggled to form a treatment, most of their days were spent running tests, still trying to identify what it was they were fighting. For the next week the teens took turns skipping school to spend time at Cosima’s bedside. With Alison’s thoughtful planning (color-coded chart included) they assured she was never alone, frequently sharing her room with her constantly weeping parents. It was often Tony or Felix, as they had the least to lose. Graduation was fast approaching and the seniors who were still in line to graduate were scrambling through the last weeks of school. Rarely ditching class to sit in was Beth, who was still working double-time to prove she had a grasp of the concepts she’d missed before coming to Toronto. Alison had quit her job at the gas station to focus solely on soccer and Cosima.

Still, when they could, they all gathered— eight deep in the tiny space. Spending days packed in Cosima’s hospital room meant sometimes conversation wore thin. Sunday evening was quiet, the only noise filling the room the hiss and click of the walkie-talkie-vape Tony had given Cosima, the muttered ‘thanks’ and ’yeah’ or ‘I’m good’, as it passed around the room. The night nurse had already caught them, but Cosima’s charm had won over most of the hospital staff and she was no exception— she’d paused in the doorway, pursed her lips and turned without a word, the latch loud behind her.

With only two sets of uncomfortable chairs lining the walls and one thin bed, someone had always ended up on the floor. That is, until Tony and Beth returned victorious on Saturday afternoon from their hunt, dragging their prize— dark green and itchy with foam visible in the places where the threadbare fabric had worn thin— all the way from the nearest waiting area. Beth was stretched out across the ratty couch, her physics book tented over her face as a shield against the bright hospital light, one leg kicked up over its low back. Alison was draped heavy over her and occasionally drifting off into a light snore against Beth’s breast.

Felix and Helena were occupied by handheld video games: Helena occasionally growling with frustration, Felix frequently smug and puffing out his lips. Tony and Sarah took up the other set of chairs, heads close together, whispering conspiratorially— about what, Beth had no idea. Delphine and Cosima lay wrapped together, talking low, sometimes giggling, sometimes sniffing back tears.

Beth let out a loud grunt of air that drew everyone’s attention. Alison had woken with a jolt, bony elbows digging sharply into Beth’s ribs, bringing pained sputtering. “We should go to prom.” She said loudly, too loudly for the long quiet hospital room.

And though everyone shifted, everyone turned incredulous eyes, it was Sarah who spoke: “What?”

Alison was suddenly shy, like the outburst was weaved into some dream she’d been immersed in and not meant for the outside world. She balked back a bit into Beth’s arms, humming an ‘uhmmm’ and shaking her head. Beth ran fingers up her spine, craned her neck to look at Cosima, “Yeah, we should.”

Cosima huffed freshly-pumped-in stale air straight back out past her cannula, but Delphine was sitting up and her smile was growing.

Tony too was shifting his body straighter, “Prom?”

“Prom?” Ever-contemptuous Sarah scoffed from her chair.

Tony elbowed her in the ribs, “Sarah, shut your yap for a second? Listen to what the girl has to say.” She glared at him behind squinted lids, but stayed quiet.

And so it came to be, that everyone was eager with eyes trained on Alison. She shifted her weight over Beth, struggling to sit up. “I just…” she shrugged, “well, it’s our last hurrah, right?” The word ‘our’ held a heavy weight, though she’d grazed over it quickly, ‘our’ didn’t mean ‘our’, and they all knew it.

Beth sat up too, “Right. Let’s do it.” She nodded fiercely.

Tony joined in, head bobbing, his grin taking up the entirety of his face, “Fuck yeah.”

Felix hid his upturned lips behind his game, “Whatever, losers.”

Helena bounced in her chair with excitement and turned her eyes to Sarah’s glowering face. Sarah shook her head and crossed her arms, “Do whatever you want. I don’t care.”

Delphine’s gaze moved from Sarah to Cosima at the punk’s bitter approval. “What do you think?”

Cosima chewed her lip in thought for a few moments before asking, “When is it?”

“Next week.” Tony was quick with an answer.

Cosima looked back to Delphine, “Do you want to go?”

Her smile crinkled the skin around her eyes, she shrugged, “I want to spend time with you.”

“This room is getting kind of boring, huh?” The dreaded teen chuckled. Amber eyes finally landed on Sarah. “Sare?

“Aw, now, don’t look at me.” The punk threw both hands up.

Cosima shook her head, “I’m not going if you aren’t.”

There was an uneasy shift of movement while everyone’s attention turned to Sarah. Beth caught her gaze and cocked her jaw, eyes warning. Sarah finally sighed and let her hands fall helplessly to her sides, “Yeah, fine, alright, we can go.”

Tony, Alison, and Delphine let out audible whoops of excitement.

***

Cosima and Beth, coming from opposite directions, rounded the corner at a run and smacked into each other. “Fuck, Beth! Are you it?” Cosima rubbed her jaw where it had thwacked against Beth’s shoulder.

Beth took a step back, glancing back down the long hospital hallway. “No, are you?”

“If I was, would I have asked you?”

Beth grinned, “I guess not.” She held Cosima’s upper arm to steady the girl who was trying to catch her breath, “Do you know who is?”

Cosima shook her head. “Last I saw it was Felix. I watched him gank Tony from behind and snatch the gun.”

“Fuck, he’s a sneaky little shit, we’ll never catch him.” Beth leaned her back against the wall while her brain worked quickly. “We could hide, or we could try to lure him out. He doesn’t know we’re together…use one of us as bait, kill him when he comes out?” She felt, didn’t see, the small plastic pistol-style water gun pressed to her temple. She sighed. “Fuckin’-A, Cos!”

“Bang.” Cosima laughed, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her wide open mouth, “Gotcha.”

“You are a damn dirty cheat.” Beth grumbled, still leaning against the wall.

“Yes, I am,” Cosima grinned, “now get down like a good little dead body.”

Beth groaned as she slid to the floor, dropping her head to her shoulder and lolling her tongue out.

“Only one left.” Cosima said, holding the pistol up with both hands on the grip, side-stepping around Beth stealthily.

Helena was down low, crouched, she poked her head around the corner and made eye contact with Beth. Her index finger came up slowly and pressed to her lips. She was silent as she moved, her boots rocking as she stepped forward— from the outsides of her feet inward, heel to toe. Her paper-white hands were splayed across the tile for balance. Beth watched her wait for Cosima to walk away before she rounded the corner quickly, sticking close to the wall.

Cosima’s breath rattled, audible even halfway down the hall. Her hand came out and caught the wall as a cough bubbled up from her lungs bringing sticky hot blood with it. She struggled to hold it in her throat, to swallow it back down, but it pushed harshly from her mouth and she leaned into her arm to cough into the crook of her elbow. Her eyes closed tight and she faced the wall fully, hacking violently.

Beth and Helena were up in a fraction of a second, taking off with loudly squeaking footfalls, racing to Cosima’s side. Helena got there first, gripping the sick girl’s shaking shoulders. “Cosima,” she said, breathless and scared in a way she rarely was.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” she clearly wasn’t, hunched over and gripping her thighs, the top of her head pressed against the wall for balance.

Beth and Helena shared a worried glance. “Go get a nurse, Helena, go!” Beth hissed, dropping to her knees and taking the blonde’s spot at Cosima’s side.

Helena ran down the hall, she was about to turn the corner when Cosima’s voice caught her attention, “Helena, wait!” It was weak, strangled, but it carried. The twin slammed on the breaks, spinning on her heel. Cosima, still holding herself around the middle, one eye shut as if aiming down sights, held the water-gun up with a trembling finger on the trigger. “Bang bang,” she gasped out.

Beth rolled her eyes, “Helena, go!” And she did.

Cosima laughed weakly around another cough and turned to press her back against the wall for support while she slid down to the ground. Beth crouched in front of her, brows drawn tight together. “I win.”

“You sure do.” Beth tried to keep her tone light but her scrunched face betrayed her. She held Cosima upright with a hand pressing her shoulder into the wall. “Just hang on, you dirty cheat, someone’s coming.”

***

It took three full days and all eight of the kids putting on their widest, most innocent, grins, to convince Cosima’s team of doctors to agree to her leaving the hospital to go dress shopping. Alison squealed when they conceded and nearly jumped into their arms.

Thursday, after school (after lunch— none of them were willing to wait until school was actually over), Delphine, Alison, and Beth piled into Tony’s car and drove to pick her up. “Let’s get our cigarettes out of the way now,” Tony said to Delphine, “Cos probably shouldn’t be around the smoke.”

“That’s what I was thinking as well.” The blonde smiled and took the lighter he offered.

When they got to the hospital they hunted through the parking lots until they found Cosima’s van. It wasn’t hard to find— enormous and flat brown. They switched to Marie Curie for the extra room and met Cosima at the front door. She was free of her nasal cannula and and IV and eagerly shoving away the hands of orderlies trying to help her out of a wheelchair.

“Don’t be a bitch, Big John, I can fucking stand on my own.” She swatted away one of the men.

“Miss Neihaus, it’s hospital policy to help patien—“ Her glare could have stopped even Helena in her tracks. Throughly chastised, he held the wheelchair still so she could lift herself to her feet. Delphine was at her side quickly, letting Cosima lean on her while Big John went back inside. 

Alison stayed in the van, helping Delphine haul Cosima up into the back. Beth shut the sliding door behind them and hopped up into the front. When everyone was seated she smacked Tony’s shoulder, “Let’s do this shit!”

“Yeah!” They all yelled, and Tony hit the gas.

Cosima leaned over the back of the bench seat to fumble through the center console between Beth and Tony. “Lucky for you nerds, I have a joint somewhere in here.”

Delphine’s brow furrowed, “You have the vaporizer, Cosima.”

“Mmmm,” Cosima hummed, “and as thankful as I am, Tony,” she patted the boy’s shoulder and went back to digging through the console, “it’s just not the same.” She shot up, victorious, “Aha!” She held it up for them to see, it was small and bent at an odd angle, but intact.

Beth shifted to face her, “Have you considered that this might not be the best idea?” She asked while Cosima produced a lighter as well and sparked the joint.

“Have you considered not fucking worrying so much?” Cosima smiled tightly and took a deep pull, filling her battered lungs with smoke.

It went about as well as they’d all anticipated, a wet cough spewing from her gasping mouth. She struggled for air, Delphine hovered worriedly over her, rubbing her back. By the time she finally gained a precarious sort of control over her breathing her palms were as red-black as the darkest flecks in the twins’ eyes, heavy with the iron stain of her own blood.

Delphine was cooing, calming, though her eyes were brimming with tears she hid behind Cosima’s head. She fished a Kleenex from her purse and wiped away the mess, purring into the tattooed girl’s ear. Alison took the ruined tissue and buried it in the shallow pocket of her jeans. She rested her hand on the blonde’s forearm reassuringly and nodded at Delphine whispered thanks.

More for her own comfort than Cosima’s, Beth thought, Delphine had her long arms twisted around her girlfriend’s shoulders from behind, had her cheek pressed tight to her scapula, struggling to steady her breathing. Both girl’s took shaky gasps for several blocks. Beth glanced over, catching Tony’s gray-brown orbs. His jaw was tense, eyes sad, Beth thought he must have known. That it must be a slowly dawning notion that Cosima wasn’t going to be getting any better, that today— whatever day ‘today’ was— would likely be the best day she’d have.

Her lashes fluttered as her lids slid shut. She wondered if Sarah was coming to the same realization. If Felix and Helena were as well. Were they all standing around, knowing one truth but speaking another, all reassuring each other that things would get better, that things would be fine? All the while, through their lying smiles, Cosima was stomping closer to death on stubborn feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We need to have a chat about the future. I don’t want to clog up the Author’s Note, so you can head on over to tumblr (saint11icarus) to get all the details, then come back here and tell me what you think.


	27. Chapter 27

“Well, you shouldn’t have waited so long!” The store employee said jokingly, “East’s prom is two days away, West’s is tomorrow! All of our best dresses were bought months ago!”

Cosima waved a hand at her, “It was kind of a last minute decision. We don’t need your best dresses, we just need dresses— the average sort.”

Cosima chose a black dress decorated with silver sequins (“to hide the blood I’m bound to get all over it,” she’d said between loud, barking laughs), with a high, round neckline. It was sleeveless, cut off at the shoulder, slinky and long— mermaid-style, the bottom of it brushed the ground.

Beth’s was deep purple, it came up over one shoulder and hugged against her curves. It was tight where it ended around her knees and she was about to take it off and try another, but Alison’s eyes had burned a hole right through her as she’d spun in it. The short teen called off the search immediately and grabbed purple-clad hips, dragging her girlfriend into a hungry kiss that Beth laughed through.

They’d all agreed on a tea dress for Alison, red and sleeveless with a white lace Peter Pan collar and small white polka dots. Tony held her hand up in the air and spun the giggling teen as her friends clapped loudly.

It took them all day, three stores, seven coughing fits, two stops for drinks (and one for lunch), and two pee-breaks. But by seven-thirty they were standing at the register buying the last dress. It was black with sheer sleeves, and the hem of it came down to just above Delphine’s freckled knees. Cosima had followed her into the dressing room while the others waited, it took much longer than it should have to get her into it and even longer to get her out.

They all flopped into chairs in the mall’s food court, surrounded by shopping bags, groaning and exhausted.

“What about you, Tony?” Cosima asked, elbow on the table, chin resting in her cupped palm, “What are you thinking of wearing? We can hit up a tux shop on the way back to the hospital.”

Tony’s smile was small and almost shy, as shy of a smile as Tony could wear anyway. “Actually I got mine last month.”

“What?!” Delphine’s eyes went wide and so did her grin.

He shrugged, “Yeah, Felix and I were planning on going anyway.”

Beth grabbed his broad shoulders, giving them a loving shake, “That’s great news, man.”

“I know, I know.” He laughed, “It wasn’t easy, but I convinced him. I want to end this year with a bang, I don’t want to miss out, you know? I’m not graduating so this is kind of it.”

Alison frowned, “It’s official then?”

Tony nodded, scratching at his beard, “Yeah, they told me pretty early last month, I just don’t have the grades.”

Everyone fell into quiet thought, chewing lips and crossing arms. Cosima was the first to speak, “I’m sorry, Tone. That really blows.”

He cocked his head and ran his fingers through his long hair, “Eh, it’s whatever. My parents always told me I wouldn’t never amount to nothing, you know? They weren’t even mad when I told ‘em.” He smiled to break the tension, “But all of you are on track, right?” They nodded, “Good, good.” It was quiet for a while longer before he slapped his thighs and rubbed them with the heels of his palms. “We should get you back.”

Cosima groaned and let her head drop to the table, “I don’t wanna go.”

Delphine smiled sadly and rested her head on Cosima’s shoulder, “I know, ma chérie, but you have to.”

“Says who?” The tattooed girl pouted, “We could run! Just get in the car and drive.”

Alison leaned across the table, gripping Cosima’s forearm, “Or you could go back and let them help you.”

She scoffed and the push of air made her throat tighten, she flattened her palms against the lacquered table-top and swallowed through the tension, “They aren’t helping anything.”

Delphine’s hazel eyes snapped shut sharply and she squeezed Cosima around the middle, “Don’t say that. You can’t think that way.”

But Cosima sat up and shook her off to turn and look at her, “Don’t. Stop. Stop pretending like things are fine.”

“I’m not pretending that things are fine, Cosima, I’m just trying to be optimistic.” Her face was scrunched, twisted in agony.

“Well, fucking stop.” Cosima stood up, her dreads whipping with the force of her spin, and she was marching towards the door.

All eyes fell to Delphine who covered her face with her hands and drew in a shaky breath. She spoke quietly from between her palms, “Someone should go after her.”

“I think she needs some time alone.” Tony said softly.

Her hands dropped, revealing red-rimmed eyes brimming with tears, “She cannot be alone, Tony.”

And Beth realized she was right, that Cosima’s life now was boiled down to coughing fits and gasping for oxygen— that quiet moments were just spent waiting for the next attack. She stood, squeezing Alison’s shoulder, and walked off after Cosima.

She was outside sitting on a low wall and banging her heels against it. Beth jumped up on the bench next to her and sat on its back, threw her elbows out behind her to rest on the wall. She dropped her head back and eyed Cosima, whispered, “She’s scared, Cos.”

“She’s scared?” Her snort was scornful, “She’s not the one dying.”

Beth didn’t have anything to say to that. She let her dark eyes drift upward, watched the clouds moving so slowly— like a funeral procession, mournful against the happy, bright blue sky. “Yeah,” she said to fill the silence.

It was fifteen minutes filled only with the sounds of chattering customers leaving the mall and the quiet thrum of engines driving by, tires against asphalt. Tony was laughing loud and open when he burst through the doors, Alison and Delphine smiling behind him. “You kids ready to bounce?” He asked, jumping onto the bench and then up on the wall, his wide hand falling heavy on Beth’s face and mashing it down in a playful motion.

She grunted and shoved his arm away. “Yeah, I think so.” But Cosima was quiet, her face turned away from the rest of the group.

She was the first to move, sliding slowly from the wall, landing silently. She walked around the bench and tried pulled the bag with her dress in it from Delphine’s hand but the tall girl held it firm. “Cosima,” she pleaded, “please.”

Cosima’s arms fell to her sides, her body dropping— one hip out, her shoulders slanting the opposite direction. “What?” Delphine didn’t answer, just gave her a pained look. “What?” She repeated.

Delphine ran a hand down her face and her body was slack with defeat. She shrugged. Hazel eyes darted skyward as they filled again with tears. Cosima sighed and wrapped an arm around Delphine’s lanky frame. She reached up with stretching fingers to pull the girl’s chin down, stood up on tip-toes to fit their mouths together. “Je sis vraiment désolé, je t’aime tant.”

“Shhh,” Cosima tutted her tongue and pressed their lips together again, “don’t worry about it, it’s over now.”

***

“Thanks for the ride, man.” Beth watched from the passenger’s seat of Tony’s car as Alison fumbled with her keys, trying to unlock the trunk of her station wagon.

He shrugged, also watching Alison, “No problem. It was a good day, huh?”

Beth nodded, “Yeah.” There was several beats of silence before she asked, “How are you doing?”

He scoffed, “Me? I’m great, you know that.” He was shoving her playfully, but she didn’t respond to it, the stoicism never leaving her face. He stopped, noting her expression, and pulled his hands into his lap, picking at the dirt under his fingernails.

She looked over at him. He looked thoroughly scolded. She reached over and gripped him by the back of his neck, his hair corse and stringy under her palm. She squeezed, “You know what I meant.”

He nodded, shrugged again. “I’m alright.” He finally looked up, straight out the windshield, like he was taking in the whole wide world. His voice was small when he finally spoke, with a childlike helplessness, “I don’t know what I’m doing, Beth. I got no fucking clue.”

She bit the corner of her lips, nodded, and let her gaze fall on the world outside the car. “I know, Tone.” She took a deep breath, “I don’t have any idea what I’m doing either, we can be fuck ups together, what do you think about that?”

He turned to her with his trademark grin and a short nod, “I’m down for that.”

She smiled, “Good.”

“Get out of here, punk. You got a lady to woo.” He reached over her and pushed open the door, shoved her out.

Alison was quick to pin her against the station wagon and Beth could swear she heard Tony laughing as he drove away. Her voice was husky in Beth’s ear, “You looked so good in that dress, Beth.”

She chuckled and held Alison’s waist to her own, “Yeah? You liked that?”

Alison pulled her head back, her tone returning to normal, if not a bit surprised— “Formal wear is kind of hot.” Beth’s chuckle turned into a full laugh, her head throwing back with the force of it. “I’m serious!” Alison said, dropping kisses against Beth’s exposed throat.

Her fingers tightened against Alison’s hips and she lifted her head up, “What do you want to do now?”

Alison’s head cocked, “I can drop you off at home.”

Beth hummed and shook her head slightly, “Or…” she drew out the word.

“Or we can go back to my place?”

Beth hummed again, her lips curling up in a smile, “Or…”

Alison’s bottom lip jutted out, confused. “Or?”

Beth made a clicking noise, sucking against her cheek, “Or we could make out in your car.”

A wide smile split open across Alison’s face and her eyes lit up. “That. Let’s do that.”

Beth laughed and reached behind her to open the door. She spun and pushed a giggling Alison down into the back seat.

“Can we put our dresses on first?”

“Shut up and kiss me, dummy.”

***

Friday brought heavy rain, low, angry clouds, and a snicker to Alison’s lips. “What’s so funny?” Beth pinched her side.

“It’s raining on West’s prom.” She looked over at Beth, her smile growing, “It’s wonderful.” They sat side by side, cross-legged, in the school’s entryway. They’d been watching the storm roll in through the floor-to-ceiling windows for half an hour while they quietly played with each other’s fingers, traced the lines of each other’s palms, compared fingerprints and freckles and moles and scars— instead of doing their homework, which laid sprawled out in front of them.

Beth dropped forward, her hands gripping her knees, “You are ridiculous!”

Alison laughed and shrugged, “What? They’re our rivals!”

“Like that makes it any less catty.”

“Pish,” Alison blew a raspberry, “they deserve it.”

“Mmm,” Beth lifted her legs and spun on her tailbone, dropping to drape the back of her neck over Alison’s thigh, “I guess.” She was quiet for a moment while Alison pulled out her hair tie and ran her fingers through her hair. “I think you’re just bitter because you haven’t beaten West in two years.”

Alison’s digits tightened in Beth’s hair and she gave a warning tug, “You shut your mouth, Elizabeth Childs.”

Beth laughed, “It’s true! That’s what it is! You’re just angry because their team is better.”

Alison’s jaw dropped, “Excuse me?! Their team is not _better_ than ours.”

Beth snorted and turned her face towards the window, smiling when Alison dropped a kiss on her ear, “H-ooookay, Ali, whatever you say.”

“Brat.”

She pulled in a breath, stretching her lungs around it, arching her back to pull the kinks out of her spine. “Are you ready for prom?”

“Mhmm,” a cold thumb traced the shell of Beth’s ear, brushed against the peach fuzz below it, ran along her jaw, “are you?”

Beth nodded, “I wonder how Sarah’s doing.”

“Are you worried?”

“Worried?” She looked up at Alison.

The girl shrugged, “Worried she’ll do something stupid at prom?”

Beth shook her head and let her gaze move back to the windows. “No,” droplets tink-tinked against the glass, made crashing and intersecting ripples in puddles on the concrete, “we’re going for Cos, Sarah won’t fuck that up.”

“School is ending soon.” Alison whispered.

“I don’t want to think about it.”

“I’m going to be—“

Beth’s voice grew harsh in an instant, “I said I don’t want to think about it.”

Alison sighed, “Beth, stop.” She cupped a hand around Beth’s jaw, the other over the top of her head, holding her face in place, forcing eye contact. “We need to talk about this.”

“We don’t.” Beth shoved her hands away and rolled onto her side to facing the windows. Her fingers gripped Alison’s jeans where they loosened past the knee.

Alison’s fingertips went back to tracing the side of Beth’s face. She sat in the silence for a moment before speaking quickly, blurting it out before Beth could stop her, “You could always come with me.”

Beth sat up quickly, spinning to face her, “Alison, stop it. I’m serious. I’m not ready to talk about this shit yet.”

Alison dropped back against the glass display case they were sitting in front of— it held a bronzed book and a plaque detailing the founding of the school when Toronto High grew too big and split into two separate institutions. Her eyes were angry when they trained on Beth. She shook her head, “I care about this relationship, Beth. When you run away from important conversations like this, it makes me feel like you don’t.”

“Don’t pretend to know how I feel, Alison.” Beth grunted and turned her body towards the storm, pulling her knees up to her chest.

Alison stood up and twisted her arms tightly across her chest, “I understand that this is upsetting and scary, but it’s part of growing up and—“

“And what, Ali?!” Beth reached between her legs, slamming her French book shut, “You’re moving to another country and leaving me here.”

“I just said you could—“

“I’m not leaving my dad, Alison. I can’t leave him, I’m all he has. I can’t leave Delphine with Cosima sick. I can’t leave Tony— he has no fucking idea what he’s doing with his life, he’s a train-wreck.”

Alison grit her teeth and hissed, “They’re not your responsibility, Beth.”

“And you are?”

Alison’s jaw fell open, her lids stuttered closed and stayed that way. “I just thought you’d make our relationship a priority.” Beth was silent, wouldn’t look at her, her voice came out a breathy whisper, “I thought you wanted this as much as I did.”

Beth sighed and stood. She pulled a resisting Alison closer by the belt loops of her jeans until their hips made contact, dipped her head to look into Alison’s downcast eyes. “I’m sorry. I do want this, you know I do, but I can’t leave everyone behind.”

“I’ve committed to North Carolina, Beth, I can’t—“

“I would never ask you to back out, you deserve to go to Chapel Hill.”

Alison sighed, her eyes taking in the skin of Beth’s throat, the dip in her collarbone just above the neck of her t-shirt, “What are we going to do?”

Beth shrugged, “I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure that out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought more people would be curious about the mysterious "large envelope" in chapter 22, but no one mentioned it. That's okay, the wait wasn't long to find out what it was.


	28. Chapter 28

Alison had the biggest house, which was why, on Saturday evening, a boisterous gaggle of teens descended with bags full of dresses in tow. Tony was mysteriously absent, but Felix brushed off all mention with a casual limp-wristed wave and a dramatic— “My man likes to make an entrance.”

Felix was as giddy as a school girl. He wore pressed black slacks with a white bustier under a black women’s blazer— pointy shoulder pads and all. He shimmied his hand down the front of the lingerie, stuffing gel inserts under what little breast tissue he had. The effect was impressive, and he laughed gleefully. His enthusiasm was matched only by Mrs. Hendrix who bustled around Alison’s bedroom like a mother hen. She tugged at straps and straightened corsets, warily eyeing Sarah’s extremely low-cut (and even higher hemmed) dress all the while.

It was black with bits of red showing through— a red corset underneath, red ribbon tying up the back, red silk and lace poking out from the bottom at mid-thigh. Sarah had upgraded to knee-high combat boots which were laced tight and shook the floor wherever she walked. She kept her cell phone tucked between her calf and the top of a boot, though she frequently pulled it out, stealing agitated glances at the screen.

Helena’s dress was white and more suited for a wedding than prom, but she spun in it like a princess and her smile was so wide and infectious that no one dared mention it. While the other girls helped each other into their outfits she just stood in front of Alison’s large mirror and ran her hands down the front of it.

Cosima was lugging around an oxygen tank and was clearly furious about it. Still, even she was all smiles once Delphine sashayed into the room in her slinky black number. The sick girl’s fingers slipped under the matte black, see-through sleeves. It was a tight fit but she pressed her thumb to the inside of Delphine’s wrist and pulled her close. They were dancing already, slow, to music no one else heard.

Beth watched them with a smile while Alison zipped up her dress and dropped a red-stained kiss on her bare shoulder. The lipstick was clearly from Rachel’s collection, but it matched Alison’s dress perfectly. Felix spun by them, gripping Alison’s cheeks in his hands, “You must let me borrow your lipstick,” he said, cleaning up the line of her bottom lip with the edge of his thumb. She pointed in the direction of her dresser and he was off again, light and dancing.

The chaos was never-ending, it seemed, and it built to a loud roar when Felix shouted “Who needs hairspray!”

Beth leaned in to whisper in Alison’s ear, “Speaking of hair,” she grabbed the shorter girl about the waist and pulled her backwards towards the bathroom with shuffling feet.

Alison giggled and spun in Beth’s arms, kicking the door shut behind her. Beth opened her mouth to speak but Alison lunged forward and caught her in a passionate kiss. Two sets of dark brown eyes fluttered closed and Beth slipped her arms around Alison’s waist when she felt the crooks of elbows on the back of her neck. The small teen spun them, pinning Beth against the door. “I love you, Elizabeth Childs,” she whispered into Beth’s mouth, “don’t forget, okay?”

“Like—“ kiss “I could—“ kiss “ever for—“ kiss “forget.” Alison barely let her speak. She laughed and craned her neck back, twisting her face away so she could get a word in. Alison’s eager lips occupied themselves against her jaw and neck, “Ali! Christ!” Alison just hummed and pressed red stains into Beth’s skin. “Believe it or not—“ a huff of air broke from her lips when Alison sucked against her pulse point. “Believe it or not, I brought you in here to do your hair, not to give all of our friends the wrong impression about our sex life… Alison!” Alison groaned and released Beth, turning in her arms to press her back against the taller girl’s front. Beth smiled and dropped a feather-light kiss against the side of Alison’s neck. “Thank you.”

“I can’t wait until this dance is over,” Alison locked eyes with Beth’s reflection in the mirror, she hummed, “the whole night, just the two of us?” She bit her lip seductively and slid her hands down Beth’s forearms until their fingers were intertwined over her navel. “I am going to snuggle you so hard,” her voice was husky.

Beth tried to play along, nodding her head seriously, “So hard. Do you really think you’ve got the endurance to snuggle all night?” It didn’t take long for them to both break into mirthful laughter. Beth finally swatted Alison’s stomach and squared the girl’s shoulders, “Alright, enough messing around.”

The bathroom counter was a mess— covered in make up containers, brushes, and loose powder, a blow dryer, curling iron, hair straightener, and a scattering of bobby pins. “What’s the plan?” Alison asked.

Beth caught the corner of her lips between her canines, “Uh, I don’t know, actually. This all seemed much easier before I started thinking about it.”

Alison laughed and plugged in the curling iron.

***

The doorbell rang and after a few moments Mr. Hendrix could be heard shouting from the bottom of the stairs. “There is a sharply dressed gentleman here asking for all seven of his dates.”

Beth and Alison finally emerged from the bathroom. They’d somehow managed two up-dos: Alison’s elegant and clean, with a chunk of loose curl at her left temple; Beth had a twist of messy braid wrapped back around a simple bun, pulling off an intentionally casual look that betrayed the half-hour it took to perfect.

Felix was the first to bound out of the room, nearly crashing into the couple on his way to the foyer. Tony was poking his head through the outer door, eyeing a mirror set across the entry way from it. He paid the gang little attention as they filed down the stairs, his brow furrowed in thought. He stepped back outside and looked in through the small rectangular glass panes to the left of the door. He finally walked all the way inside, shaking his head. “You folks gotta move that mirror,” he said to Mr. Hendrix, pointing at the offending thing, “You can see the reflection from outside, a good angle too. It’s real easy to break into a place when you can see the lock turning.”

Mr. and Mrs. Hendrix’s eyes went wide and horrified. Alison hopped to the front of the group, grabbing Tony’s arm and spinning him away. “Maybe don’t say that, huh, Tony?”

He looked confused, glanced over his shoulder at her parents, “I’m just trying to help.” He caught sight of Felix and beamed, “There’s my Cinderella. Fuck, boy, you look beautiful!” He grabbed Felix by the waist and pulled him close, reaching up to finger his hair-sprayed mohawk only to get his hand slapped away.

“Oi, Prince Charming, no touching the hair.”

Alison’s parents were thoroughly scandalized, though clearly trying to ‘suburban’ their way out of the situation— busying themselves with anything they could and wearing enormous plastered-on smiles. Alison sighed and looked to Beth who only shrugged and whispered, “What were you expecting? You kind of brought this on yourself.”

“Pictures! Pictures!” Mrs. Hendrix was tittering around them, urging everyone into a tight group. They held still for fifteen minutes or so— genuine smiles fading into fake ones as each couple got their picture taken, followed by several group shots.

When she could take no more, Cosima called out above the low chatter, “Let’s get going, guys, the dance already started. Marie Curie is parked on the street.”

Tony held up a hand, stopping everyone’s forward motion towards the door, “Nah, this is a special occasion. We ain’t rolling up in that trash.” He ignored Cosima’s angered response. “I got us some sweet transport,” he threw a thumb over his shoulder and stepped out of the way so everyone could walk outside.

Beth’s jaw nearly hit the ground, Tony had somehow procured a limo. An actual limo. “How did you manage this?” She asked.

He grinned and winked, “It’s better if you don’t know.”

They groaned as Mr. Hendrix ordered them to line up in front of the vehicle, it took all eight of them to reach from bumper to bumper.

It was another ten minutes of tearful goodbyes and tight hugs from Alison’s parents before they managed to get in the limo and shut the door behind them. Tony rode up front, driving the monstrous car. Beth lowered the partition and glared at him in the visor mirror, “Spill, Mister.”

He dropped a driver’s cap on top of his head and laughed loudly, “You really need to learn the meaning of plausible deniability, kid.” He looked past Beth to catch Felix’s eye in the mirror and gesture lewdly down to his crotch, “Hey, fuck boy, you trippin’? Get up here and show your driver some appreciation!”

Felix rolled his eyes, “And mess up my lipstick?” His grin was feral when he slipped out of the car, his high heels echoing through the silent suburban street as he rounded to the passenger’s door and slid inside.

***

Cosima and Delphine were grinding against each other on the dance floor. Beth pulled Alison by her hand, squeezing behind the duo who pressed back into them and laughed. “Knock it off you two, you’re getting sweat all over us,” Alison chided pointlessly— they were already dripping.

They found their way to the sidelines, only to come upon a grumbling Sarah, standing alone. “You know, smiling a bit won’t kill you.” Beth nudged the punk’s shoulder with her own, their skin sticking together enough to make Sarah gag and swipe at her arm.

“Yeah, well, not much to smile about.” Her ruddy eyes were trained on the dance floor brimming with their usual anger. Beth followed her gaze and found Helena in her flowing white dress with her back to a tall boy who, despite his dashing tuxedo, was wearing a trucker’s cap. She snorted. “Stuff it, Childs,” Sarah fumed, crossing her arms.

“Aww!” Alison caught sight of the two, “How cute is that?” She pointed them out to Beth who nodded.

“Yeah, I see them.”

Delphine tugged Cosima over, reaching behind Sarah for the rolling oxygen tank she was guarding, “Why so salty, Manning?” Cosima asked, glancing out at the dance floor in the direction of Sarah’s death-stare. “Is that Jesse?”

“Yeah, it’s fucking Jesse. Grinding up on my sister, piece of shit. I’m going to kick his arse all the way back to the pile of garbage he crawled out of.”

Cosima let out a short laugh and allowed Delphine loop the cannula over her ears, “Looks like she’s the one doing the grinding.”

Alison grinned and shared a look with the sick girl, “Seriously, he looks like has no idea what he’s doing.” It was true, Jesse’s hands were hovering over Helena’s hips and his eyes were wide with excitement and thinly veiled fear.

Beth dropped a hand on Sarah’s shoulder, “She’s having a good time, Sarah, show some support.”

“Go fuck yourself.” Sarah growled and shoved past them, stalking off.

Delphine shook her head at Sarah’s retreating back, “She is unpleasant today.”

“When isn’t she?” Beth rolled her eyes only to earn a swat from Alison.

“Oh come on, guys, Helena’s all she’s got— Felix is thoroughly paired off.”

Cosima shrugged and nodded her agreement, “Yeah, but Helena deserves a little fun.”

“Yes,” Delphine smiled dreamily at the pair’s frantic, awkward dancing, “she looks so happy.”

“She’s not the only happy one,” Cosima ripped the tube from her upper lip and dropped it unceremoniously over the handle of her tank, “come on, Beautiful, I’m all oxygen-ed up and feeling loopy.”

Delphine giggled and stroked over her girlfriend’s sequined shoulders, “After you drink some water. Dr. Nealon said you needed to stay hydrated with the pain medication you are on.”

“Ah, fuck Nealon.” Cosima waved the thought of him off.

Delphine was firm as she pushed Cosima towards the drink station with insistent hands, “I’m the only one you’ll be fucking.”

Beth chuckled and shook her head, Cosima’s voice was loud as they walked away— “Oooo, you’re damn right.” Alison’s hand hid her shocked grin when the dreaded girl’s arm reached around to pinch Delphine’s ass.

Beth grabbed Alison’s hips and pulled them close, “Drinks or dancing?”

“Dancing, for sure.” She reached up with both hands to slick sweat from Beth’s face, wiping it on silky purple fabric.

Beth smirked and led Alison into the mess of carefree kids. They found an open space to settle into and, with hands in the air, they lost themselves in the music.

***

“Gotta tinkle, gotta tinkle!” Alison pushed past the line of girls outside the washroom, “So sorry, excuse me.”

Beth rolled her eyes and slid through the closing door behind her girlfriend, “Ali, if you didn’t wait so long this wouldn’t happen.”

“Shush your mouth, Elizabeth Childs.”

“No, you shush, I told you three times—“

A quaking moan stopped them both in their tracks. “What the eff?” Alison whispered and bent at the waist to look under the stall doors.

Beth’s eyes widened, “Ali,” she tugged Alison back towards the door. The handicapped stall was occupied, and though she didn’t recognize the silver slingbacks (and matching nail polish), the boots with laces pressed flat to the tile were unmistakeable. Sarah was on her knees, pale skin peeking out over the tops of her leather boots.

“Fucking pull on my hair again, bitch, and I’ll stop right now.” Her coarse accent came out in a growl.

“Talking is the last thing your mouth should be doing, Manning.”

Alison immediately recognized the voice. Her jaw dropped and she whipped around on Beth, eyes bugging out. Beth struggled to stifle her laughter and covered Alison’s gaping mouth with a cupped palm. “Shh!”

Alison mumbled into her hand— “Holy fishsticks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end. This has been a trip. If you're wondering what you can expect from me on Friday you can head on over to tumblr (saint11icarus) to get the deets. Thanks to everyone who came back for all the updates to read and comment and leave kudos and all that-- it means the world to me.


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